WIBU to be upset?(43 Posts)
Have namechahged for this, obvs.
Live in a largeish house. Not a mansion by any means but about twice the size of an average 3 bed semi. This is by no means a stealth boast, the house is hard work to maintain, it's not old but lots of jobs were only half done in the first place so I'm working my way round as I can. I have 2 DC in their teens, and work Ft. So finding time for anything is difficult. I have no family aside from DC, and no support other than my OH of 3 years. Which can be tough, although I acknowledge others have it worse than me.
There's a specific task I was hoping to get completed over the next couple of months. I have money put aside to pay the company for materials and labour. However I knew there was a certain amount of prep work that needed to be done first (which the company can't do). I had thought OH and I could complete it. We went over it today, and he said he couldn't do it. Tbh he didn't need to say that, as I knew it was beyond me, it's a weeks work at least, and I wouldn't manage it.
Which means I need to get someone else to do it. Fine you'd think, but getting a job done round here is a bloody nightmare, whether skilled or unskilled. Getting 10 people to quote (and having to come home early, or wfh so they can get to you) then waiting for quotes and maybe getting 1 response, if that's too high or suspiciously low starting the whole process again. It's so disheartening.
I've been trying to get someone to fix a leak in my shower for a year without success. Its not just me, I made an insurance claim last year for some minor damage, the insurers have been trying since Dec to get a quote from any of their tradesmen!
So every time I have a job I have to get someone in for, my heart sinks. Today I started thinking about this, and all the other jobs that need doing, and started crying. I feel so alone with all this - my house, my responsibility I get it, but I'm just sick of being the adult all the time. My parents died 2 decades ago, and without siblings it really is very hard. I don't think you can understand that unless you've been there.
Whilst I'm crying, OH decides that I'm clearly having a dig at him because he couldn't do the prep task, and tells me I'm making him feel bad. I knew the prep work was beyond us both, him saying he couldn't do it wasn't a surprise, I'd realised that once I saw what needed doing. I just feel sad and overwhelmed. I said I wasn't trying to make him feel bad, and wasn't i allowed to be upset?
He said he wouldn't stay to be made to feel he was in the wrong, so went home. I didn't tell him to go but didn't ask him to stay either...
So have I behaved unreasonably?
I'm sorry you feel alone
Having no family support can be hard
But there is no guarantee that having family means they can help or would be willing to
The bigger picture is that you are piling on stress by having a house you can't really afford or if you can you don't actullay enjoy doing up. It isn't for everyone having a house that needs work. Some people thrive on it some don't.
Accept who you are and where you are in life and sell up and buy something smaller and easier
Spend your spare time and money with your kids and OH and live and enjoy your life
And yes it is tough being the adult and feeling unsupported so sympathies for that bit
I think you are a bit, yes. I'm not surprised your OH thought you were having a go at him. You said yourself you thought both of you could do it, then you say you knew you couldn't do it, but you were obviously talking about doing it with your OH, and he was honest enough to say he couldn't do it.
You've clearly taken on too much and are stressed and worn down by it all. There's no shame in admitting this. Get rid and start to enjoy a different, less stressful lifestyle. Life is too short - really.
I don't think so. Your OH was being a bit unreasonable to try making you feel guilty! Projection on his part for how he feels about not being able to do it.
Tell us which part of the country you're in - I'm sure someone will be able to recommend someone who'll be able to do it.
Selling the house isn't really an option for several years at least. Generally I like living here, and I can afford to get all the work needed done, but it's a logistical nightmare getting tradespeople in. I could spend an entire day just in contacting 8 people for a quote (you have to do that many because only 50% ever turn up to see the work, and even less actually give a quote) and it's frustrating, to put it mildly, having to do that every time.
I enjoy doing the work I can do myself. I enjoy getting other work done. It's the ballbreaking process of finding trades I don't enjoy at all.
If i look at people I know, they all have contacts through family; one friend has no parents like me, but has her 2 siblings who will happily run round after her, and her ExH who still does all her gardening and house Maintenance several years after their divorce. And gets people in if work needs doing he can't manage. She doesn't have to do anything.
I don't feel I was in the wrong for being upset and not apologizing to OH because in his view I was blaming him and making him feel bad. I don't accept that's my fault.
Have you posted about this before, unfinished work connected to an extension years ago
I'm in the South, not far from London. Like I say, even my insurers can't get trades, so I know why I struggle!
Re the task, it's outdoor work, fairly physical. Before today, I hadn't appreciated the scope of what was needed. As soon as I looked at it (OH and I looked at it together) I realized before he said it that it was beyond me/ us.
He simply confirmed what I thought. Then got annoyed with me for being upset that the task was bigger than we'd realised. Which I don't feel is very fair.
The task itself is almost incidental.
It's really the way OH treated me, and reacted to my crying, that I'm concerned with. It made me feel as though I'm not allowed to be upset over things. Or if I do that I must make it clear that he's in no way at fault so he doesn't feel I'm blaming him.
I have quite a few siblings and cousins but none would be able to help me with doing up my house, and I wouldn't be able to help them either (except painting, sanding etc).
I think you need to ask friends/colleagues for the number of a handyman they recommend. Or try Find a Builder website.
It helps if you have a few jobs that need doing rather than one or two small jobs.
I empathise. DH and I are no good at plumping/electrics so have to keep the handyman and plumber sweet even though they don't always do a great job.
It isn't really about having relatives to do everything, though that would be a nice position to be in. But if you have relatives generally they are a support, you feel part of a family (appreciate some people are nc with family...but then often have inlaws etc).
I have no family. Have had no family since before my DC were born. I try not to be all woe is me about it but it's hard, it really fucking is. I know if my parents were here just some of the burden of the last 20 odd years would have been lessened. I wouldn't have felt everything, ever, always begins and ends with me.
I wanted OH to acknowledge that. Not to feel sorry for himself and tell me I wasn't allowed to be upset.
The more I mull it over I really don't think I've done anything wrong.
I can't help you with your partner problems but I can offer a practical solution for the work
I've just bought somewhere in London and for the last 6 weeks I've had tradies in - the electrician did the work the day he came to quote, the decorator started a week later and spent 2 weeks wallpapering my entire house/painting the outside with masonry paint/putting up ceiling roses. The plumber came last week and put in a new tap in the kitchen/a new basin and tap in the bathroom. I had ALL the floors laid with Amtico last week. And today 4 blokes turned up to put my 3 huge Pax ikea wardrobes together. Next week a brickie comes to put in an 8 foot outdoor fireplace.
I got ALL of these people through the rated people app. Not one person didn't turn up, everyone turned up on time.
I've had my whole house done in 6 weeks, I've not called anyone, no phone calls. They buy the right to quote for the job from rated people, then they text to arrange to come and quote.
I started putting jobs on at 6am the first morning, by 9am I had someone actually round to look at it (the electrician, who then popped out to get the 10 extra plug sockets I wanted)
It's been amazing. I had no hopes any of this would happen.
Thats interesting, as I tried using Rated People for my leaking shower, and for a roofing job. No responses
I was told most people on there are only interested in larger jobs where there are weeks of work, not smaller tasks...
Do you have a local FB buying/selling page? Ask on there for tradesmen. My fence blew over a few weeks ago, I posted on my local page, and within an hour I had over 16 people say they'd come and have a look. And surprisingly, the cheapest one was the best one. He did a sterling job .
Yes, tried that as well in the past with mixed results, and a lot of 'messers' shall we say.
Of course that doesn't resolve the issue between OH and I who took himself off home earlier and who I've not heard from since.
Wow bignamechangeroonie that sounds amazing!
Endless I feel your pain with the waiting in ao people can come and quote and then they either don't turn up or look round it never sort out a quote
Def worth getting local recommendations and local FB pages can be good for this if they are active and used.
As for AUBI then no I don't think you are. I suspect your DP was just being prickly because he felt bad he couldn't help himself but yes he should have seen you were upset and appreciated the back story to that.
It is hard feeling alone in the world no matter how grown up we are.
And your DP is a relatively new DP in the grand scheme of things so am guessing it isn't an equal partnership yet where these things are concerned.
If money really is no object then you could consider getting a project manager? Give them the whole job to oversee them it's their job to meet trades people and work through quotes. Obviously you pay extra overall but depends where the budget/stress equation falls for you.
God, I've been there. Bought an old house, then several things went wrong one after another. I was young and a bit overwhelmed and cried after the fourth thing in a row. DH got all prickly and defensive with me then, like yours did.
Sadly I have bugger all advice. <helpful>
Except that I just have to get on with things... and I ask around for a lot of recommendations. I probably pay over the odds for things but in the end I've decided that I'd rather pay and get things sorted. And when I find anyone good, or even just half good, I'll ask them if they know anyone who can do plumbing or wiring or whatever. This is how my kitchen got rewired by the firm that installed my bathroom... I asked them if they could recommend a decent electrician and they had one on staff!
But that's not really the thing here is it. It's that you want a bit of moral support, or just someone to go 'yeah it's tough but it'll get sorted eventually one way or the other' It may be worth bringing this up at a time when emotions are not running high. It's not much to ask of a partner.
My parents live abroad, my brother lives down south about 4 hours drive away. Anything that needs doing, I do. Sorry but having family doesn't mean you're surrounded by an army of helpers.
Thst all sounds v v annoying and frustrating so Im not surprised you got overwelmed. Could you do a non apopolgy - im sorry if i gave you the impression that i was upset at you.
I think the op is missing emotional support from family rather than physical assistance. Someone you can sound off to.
I know exactly what it's like to have no family.
I don't have an OH either.
I do have a handyman, who was recommended by a friend. Turns out he lived opposite me when he was a kid! His tagline is "no job too small", although he does anything for putting up a blind to fitting a kitchen. He is absolutely wonderful and when I've had an emergency has dropped everything to come and help.
So I'd recommend you ask around for personal recommendations.
Shurley, yes that's it. I'm a grown woman. But I miss being someone's child and not feeling alone. I don't always want to have all the responsibility, to feel I am always doing everything single handed.
I'd love to give £5k (which is about what it will cost to do everything, maybe less - one major outdoor task, which kicked all this off, then the aforementioned leaky shower, a sink to be installed in my utility, one ceiling skimmed and a few other minor finishing off jobs - plus anything else that breaks or fails in the meantime) over to someone and get them all to do it, to relieve me of the relentless fucking responsibility for every single thing. BUT but no one is interested, only in major refurbs and extensions costing 6 figure sums.
I know I'm not the easiest person. I'm not a happy go lucky ray of sunshine. But he knows that, and he left me to be upset on my own.
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