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To name a child similar to my DM's abusive DF?

(94 Posts)
Batteriesallgone Sun 19-Mar-17 10:43:44

So, she's not my 'D'M, but that's MN shorthand for you! She was abusive and we are low contact.

Her dad was abusive to her and she always hated him.

I've changed the name. But let's say his name was Bertrand and he went by Bert all his life. I have fallen in love with a baby name - Albert, and want to use the nickname Bertie.

So the BC would be different but in day to day my baby would be called something very similar to her hated dad.

AIBU to consider using it? I've really fallen in love with the name and nickname. I only met him a few times then he died so my GF meant nothing to me. And I don't really care about upsetting DM, but I wonder if it's such a low blow I shouldn't do it anyway. Help!

PippaFawcett Sun 19-Mar-17 10:45:03

YAB v U. Why would you want to do that? Pick another name.

SetPhasersTaeMalkie Sun 19-Mar-17 10:46:51

I wouldn't. Definitely not.

PetalMettle Sun 19-Mar-17 10:47:20

It's difficult. I think it would the nail in the coffin for your relationship, at least if you didn't speak to her beforehand about it. So it depends how much that bothers you I think

KateDaniels2 Sun 19-Mar-17 10:47:50

It sounds to me like you want to use it to upset her. I get, after an awful childhood, you would want to hurt her.

But that really is a low blow.

ChuckDaffodils Sun 19-Mar-17 10:48:13

Would you be doing this - even subconsciously - to punish her? As that is what she will think. I think it is a horrid idea. but if you never want any contact ever again then crack on.

origamiwarrior Sun 19-Mar-17 10:49:33

You do understand that your mother was abusive to you because her father was abusive to her? If I were in your position, I would be doing all I could to break the abuse cycle and certainly wouldn't give my child the same name a an abuser.

SaorAlbaGuBrath Sun 19-Mar-17 10:50:03

Why all the sympathy for an abusive mother? One who knew what abuse felt like and did it to her own child regardless?
OP, call your child whatever you like.

Batteriesallgone Sun 19-Mar-17 10:50:15

I genuinely do love the name. It wasn't until at least a month after thinking of it that I clicked it was also similar to his nickname. It didn't occur to me at all initially, so if I'd thought of it at birth it would have just been done and dusted IYSWIM

DrippyWet Sun 19-Mar-17 10:50:26

I wouldn't, even if your DM isn't a nice person.

SaorAlbaGuBrath Sun 19-Mar-17 10:50:38

You do understand that your mother was abusive to you because her father was abusive to her?

No, she had a choice.

PurpleDaisies Sun 19-Mar-17 10:50:55

I don't understand why you would want to do this.

There are millions of names out there. Why choose one with such horrible connotations?

Batteriesallgone Sun 19-Mar-17 10:51:29

It's not the same name, just to clarify.

Two completely different sounding full names that are shortened to the same thing. That's part of the reason why I didn't think of it at first.

MooPointCowsOpinion Sun 19-Mar-17 10:52:41

My step-father was an awful man, if I meet anyone with his name I immediately feel a panic attack coming on and it's been 15 years since I last saw him. If my grandchild had that name, I'd really struggle.

You should probably let the name go.

MiddleClassProblem Sun 19-Mar-17 10:53:01

I wouldn't as even if it's not the case there is still this link that DS is named after a bad person who effectively made your life bad. But then I don't think I could love a name of someone who did that to me.

I do agree that you might be subconsciously punishing her

Maroonie Sun 19-Mar-17 10:54:09

It's a different name though, with similar nickname. It's not naming him after the Grandad.
If the name doesn't have negative connotations for you then I'd go for it.

Batteriesallgone Sun 19-Mar-17 10:54:13

Definitely not origami, I'm not abusive to my children, and she wasn't abusive to all of us. She's a nasty bully who picked on me especially. In a distant kind of way I feel sorry for her of course I do.

But really I feel like she's barely in my life, her family aren't at all, so why should her past have any bearing on the names of my kids?

Of course she will think it's a punishment / all about her which is putting me off.

MiddleClassProblem Sun 19-Mar-17 10:54:44

And if the nicknames are as close as Bert and Bertie, chances are someone will shorten it to Bert at school or something

SetPhasersTaeMalkie Sun 19-Mar-17 10:54:49

The OP has a choice here too. To do something unkind or to rethink. I'm advocating for a rethink.

Batteriesallgone Sun 19-Mar-17 10:56:47

I see the consensus is that IABU. I thought that might be the case. I'm fucked off about it though. Always takes me and DH ages to think of baby names and it's going to be really hard finding another we like.

mommy2ash Sun 19-Mar-17 10:56:51

Put your mother's feelings to one side. What about the baby who will have this connection to his name.

Not taking away your mother's responsibility for your childhood but this man has a huge part to play in the cycle of abuse in your family. I would distance myself from that and not want to carry on his name

DianaMitford Sun 19-Mar-17 10:59:13

Whaaaat??!! Of COURSE you should use the name you love. It would take no time at all for any previous connotations to be replaced by those for your baby.

You aren't deliberately trying to aggravate your mother, it's just an unfortunate coincidence. I genuinely cannot understand why anyone would think otherwise!

Batteriesallgone Sun 19-Mar-17 10:59:51

I can't imagine the child would ever know, and as the full names aren't the same it's not 'naming after'.

Honestly the full names are very different.

I don't intend for her to have anything but limited time with my children. She'll certainly never have them without my supervision.

KateDaniels2 Sun 19-Mar-17 11:00:48

Its not about sympathy for the OPs mother.

She has the choice to do something unkind or not. Personally, i wouldnt make a choice to hurt someone who, regardless of what i had done.

Especially, if that is to name (or give a similar name) my baby after someone who holds some responsibility for the lifetimes of abuse that have impacted me.

Batteriesallgone Sun 19-Mar-17 11:02:05

God I wish we were NC then I could call my child whatever the hell I like!

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