To remind you all the most dangerous time for a women living with DV

(16 Posts)
StewieGMum Sun 19-Mar-17 10:32:38

Is when she leaves the relationship. There is a clear statistical rise in the probability of violence and murder when a woman tries to leave a violent partner.

It isn't just as easy as: collect kids, papers and move out. Women need somewhere safe to move too (increasingly difficult due to massive slashing of specialist services), they need the police to take it seriously (doesn't always happen & police officers are more likely to be perpetrators than the general public with all the subsequent consequences), they need to ensure their children remain safe (Families need fathers rhetoric is putting children at risk of violence and murder), and they need to be able to feed and house their children (increasingly difficult due to the state sanctioned financial abuse of austerity & the destruction of child maintenance).

Telling a woman to leave isn't helpful when there is nowhere to go and her partner/ husband is a high risk perpetrator. Helping a woman find the resources to get away safely is what is needed.

We need more refuges for women with children, refuges women with substance abuse issues (very few available and keeping women addicted is a way to control them), and an end to violent fathers being legally sanctioned to continue controlling and abusing their children and former partners through contact and maintenance.

Not every woman can leave. Sometimes they remain trapped because they know the partner will kill their children. When there is no place safe to hide, telling a woman she's a crap for not leaving is just cruel.

I've seen so many threads recently telling women they lack self-respect and 'just need to leave' when they are first getting to grips with their experiences as DV rather than 'normal'. Too many people suggesting that lawyers offer a 'free half hour' (which most don't and a lawyer with no understanding of DV is hardly helpful).

A little bit of compassion goes a long way.

And an end to the 'my husband does nothing about the house so you should be grateful yours does dishes once a week'. A man who does nothing to care for his children or around the house isn't a good dad. He's pretty much the definition of a shit father.

No one deserves to have to live with a lazy and selfish man. No one deserves to be told that DV is their fault for having no self respect by not leaving.

StewieGMum Sun 19-Mar-17 10:34:59

Women are frequently the best places to understand the risk their partner presents. They need support recognising that their experiences aren't normal and then support to find the best way for them to be safe.

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CatsRidingRollercoasters Sun 19-Mar-17 10:37:23

YANBU

ShaniaTwang Sun 19-Mar-17 10:38:28

Well said, thank you for thoughtful, compassionate post xxx

DJBaggySmalls Sun 19-Mar-17 10:39:04

I say this time after time; unless the resources are in place for people to help themselves, there cannot fairly be any judgement or penalty for them not doing so.
That includes them not leaving a violent partner, not leaving a bad job and not looking for paid work.

Some people just need to have someone to look down on.

ladyballs Sun 19-Mar-17 10:40:07

YANBU flowers

RJnomore1 Sun 19-Mar-17 10:40:52

Great post

missymayhemsmum Sun 19-Mar-17 10:41:59

Absolutely right, Stewie
Every woman has to take her own decisions about when/whether to end a relationship. And every welfare cut makes it harder. The latest one will mean that a woman with three or more children leaving a relationship will only get money to support two of them.

witsender Sun 19-Mar-17 10:42:20

Agreed. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she has just left the relationship, so removing experienced shelters is a dangerous move.

Sunnysky2016 Sun 19-Mar-17 10:42:54

Excellent post

Anniegetyourgun Sun 19-Mar-17 10:46:00

Very well said.

Doyouwantabrew Sun 19-Mar-17 10:48:51

Totally but why is it the woman who has to leave? How much better would it be if the authorities acted swiftly to come down very hard on perpetrators and either lock them up or make them move. With massive consequences if they harass their former partners.

Abusers abuse because they know they can get away with it.

PencilsInSpace Sun 19-Mar-17 10:51:04

Spot on flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 19-Mar-17 11:04:43

Good call. Worth remembering.

Holland00 Sun 19-Mar-17 11:41:29

Very well put.

StewieGMum Sun 19-Mar-17 12:45:40

I agree Doyouwantabrew in theory but it's not always possible in practise. Remaining in the family home means he always knows where you are. And the police aren't exactly proactive in investigating, the CPS in prosecuting, juries in convincing and judges giving sensible prison terms.

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