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AIBU DH wants to invite MIL on our holiday

(108 Posts)
Cosette123 Sun 19-Mar-17 10:21:39

DH always suggests taking his DM on holiday as he is very close to her. I always say no, thank you.

We haven't had any time off work since Xmas and our last holiday was August last year. We both work FT.

Husband is normally away mon-fri and some weekends with work. I freelance and taking time off work is difficult (for me) as I know the amount of money I lose from not working.

This week husband is off and I am off tue-fri. We have a just turned 2year old DD who goes to nursery full time.

We are renting a cottage 2hrs away from us and about 2 hrs away from DH mother.

I am looking forward to our time away as a family as special time together is rare & I worry about the time I am missing with my DD.

DH has just suggested we invite his mother along wed-thur, 2 days, "just" 1 night. WTF

I am really pissed off and got a bit angry at him.

He says it's the only time in the next month or so we'll be able to see her and we haven't seen her since January so makes sense (in January she stayed for 7days having only just returned from 5days at hers after Xmas). I said whilst she is absolutely lovely it totally changes the dynamics of the holiday and I want to spend time with my DD not have someone else competing for time with her.

As I said no he is pissed off with me and not speaking.


RandomMess Sun 19-Mar-17 10:24:44

No YANBU but I think you should ensure that DH arranges a time for either him to visit his Mum with DD or MIL to come and visit soon.

You have clearly been looking forward to time as a nuclear family and he's sprung this on you.

TheMaddHugger Sun 19-Mar-17 10:24:50

Hellz NO. Stand your ground

TyneTeas Sun 19-Mar-17 10:28:08

I don't think he is being unreasonable to suggest it and i don't think you are being unreasonable to not want to either.

StillDrivingMeBonkers Sun 19-Mar-17 10:29:30

It may be an opportunity for MIL to baby sit and for you and DH to have a nice quiet meal together. What really is the issue with Mil arriving for one evening ?

I never quite under stand this British stance of 'all extended family is to be shunned', it's something quite strange. Most other cultures seem to manage to co habit across several generations and have no problems.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sun 19-Mar-17 10:30:27

Sounds like you needed a holiday to recover from mil overdose!!
Offer to call in on your way home!!
His urge to see his dm shouldn't affect your holiday!!

TaliDiNozzo Sun 19-Mar-17 10:31:16

Neither of you are unreasonable. If you've said no in the past maybe having a holiday here and there with MIL would be nice. As it's only for one night/two days then I would probably have said yes to this.

Cherrysoup Sun 19-Mar-17 10:33:00

Yanbu. He's springing this on you, I'd be very cross. You've spent two weeks with her in the last two months. You're entitled to some time alone with just him and your dd. I think I'd sit down with him and explain that arranging holidays does not always have to involve her and you were looking forward to time with just your little family.

EllaHen Sun 19-Mar-17 10:34:07

YANBU. Stand your ground, or else you will cease looking forward to this much looked forward to holiday.

pluck Sun 19-Mar-17 10:36:30

StillDriving, actually, I wonder whether the "Brutish stance" is actually culturally specific, to our very centralised (meaning people move away from "home" for work), high-living costs, long-hours culture, which leaves people scrabbling for time with even the nuclear family, meaning making time to see more family is an extra squeeze?

I'm not having a go, just speculating about the cultural context you mentioned.

MyOtherNameIsTaken Sun 19-Mar-17 10:40:03

Why do people do the "not speaking" thing when their partner disagrees with them? It's sulking because they can't get their own way. Understandable in a toddler but an adult? hmm

PacificDogwod Sun 19-Mar-17 10:45:15

My parents who live in a different country form us come on holiday with us quite regularly, and it is DH who encourages that.

So, I would say it all depends on what your relationship with your MiL is and what you want it to be like in the long-term. How close a grandparent is she to your DCs?
One night does not sound like a lot to me, but like I said, we tolerate my lot for 3 week stretches abroad grin

NewPuppyMum Sun 19-Mar-17 10:45:41

While your dh ever be allowed to holiday with his mother?

Hulder Sun 19-Mar-17 10:53:47

YANBU - can totally see why you don't want to do it.

I can see why he wants to spend time with her and have her spend time with her GCs - but continually planning holidays and then springing 'I thought my DM could come too' on you is just going to wind you up, however lovely she is.

Could you work together to come up with solutions - if you have v little holiday it is likely that you are never going to want her to come on holiday with you.

But if the main purpose of the visit is to see him and the GCs that could easily be done during non-holiday time, perhaps when you are very busy?

When your DD is at school then having MIL come and stay for a week during school holidays for example would be a godsend.

Would planning out several visits in advance work so you don't suddenly get DH upset saying 'we haven't seen her in ages, it must happen now!' when you feel like she has barely left?

For certain, him announcing it 4 days before a planned holiday is always going to end in an argument.

Lapinlapin Sun 19-Mar-17 10:54:03

Is your mil on her own?
Since my dad died we invite my mum to come away with us.

Dh is perfectly happy with this (in fact he's already talked about plans next year, assuming she'll come)

Our dc are young though and we both appreciate the help. Having an extra person means we get more sleep (she'll sometimes get up with them in the morning) and she'll babysit so we can have a night out.

I do understand why you want time together just the 3 of you. I also like to know plans in advance, so I guess I wouldn't be particularly impressed at last minute changes either.

Could you invite mil along this time, but then plan another holiday for just the 3 of you later in the year?

PacificDogwod Sun 19-Mar-17 10:54:47

pluck, yes, I feel the pressure of being my parents as an added 'burden' (although I do get on well with them) as they live too far away to just pop in from time to time.
Ah well.
I know I will be devastated when they are gone, as DH misses his late parents (which is, I think, why is so positive of having them stay at ours for a couple of weeks here and there and on holiday).

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 19-Mar-17 10:55:00


WeAllHaveWings Sun 19-Mar-17 10:55:21

If holidays as a family are rare I wouldn't want my MIL there if it was 2 days out of 4.

Do you arrive tue? So first day to settle in, MiL is there days 2 & 3, then you are leaving on day 4? Would be no from me.

Your dh sounds like he is trying to kill two birds with one stone, spend time with his family and his DM. He needs to find other ways to spend time with his DM, not during your family holiday.

pringlecat Sun 19-Mar-17 10:58:08

Are you OK with DH renting a cottage and spending time his MIL and your DD at another point in the year? (With the money coming out of the same family pot.)

YANBU to not want to spend time with someone else's mother. But YABU if you are not happy to help find an alternative that allows DH to spend that time with his DM.

pringlecat Sun 19-Mar-17 10:58:45

** Sorry, that should read your MIL, not his MIL!

QuiteLikely5 Sun 19-Mar-17 11:01:40

I think yabu. You've had no time off since Xmas? It's only the middle of March!!

He's entitled to spend time with his mother and how will you be competing for your child's attention? Fgs the child lives with you - you should be delighted that she's a nice woman who wants to bestow love on her family.

I think you are jealous.

pigeondujour Sun 19-Mar-17 11:08:09

If WeAllHaveWings's assessment of the time is correct and given she was with you for 7 days in January then no way are you being U. Also, it's not ok for him to not speak to you when you disagree with him.

finova Sun 19-Mar-17 11:12:47

The thing is 'one night' could be a red herring. I'm assuming you'll check in on Tues after 12pm and need to leave on Friday at 10ish. So your MIL being there for just Wed and Thurs is the bulk of your break.

Her arriving for Thurs night would be better.
She could babysit that evening and entertain your child whilst you load car etc. I wonder if it's already been agreed though.

finova Sun 19-Mar-17 11:15:29

Meant arriving Thurs day not night.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 19-Mar-17 11:16:58

If, from the outset when making plans to go away your DH suggested you invite his mother, I'd say that was one thing. But from your description (and it's not absolutely clear in your OP) it sounds to me like he's just sprung it on you, and you're about to go away very soon, so I'd say that was another thing completely. You also say that he's suggested she comes with you before and you've always vetoed it. Under those circs I'd say he was the one being unreasonable. I'd resent being railroaded, even if his mother was the nicest person on earth.

Sulking/stonewalling is very PA, and I'd not be happy with his doing that either. Is he a bully like this in other respects?

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