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AIBU?

I need unbiased opinions, AIBU?

123 replies

Preggocinders · 19/03/2017 09:54

So I posted about my "d"h behaviour a week and a bit ago www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2873095-AIBU-to-expect-more-from-dh and it opened my eyes to what was actually domestic abuse. For those who don't want to read the whole thing, he basically wouldn't allow me to speak to or see my family, controlled all the money and was horrible to my ds and wouldn't let me be affectionate towards my ds in his presence, I'm about to give birth and he treated me like a slave, didn't help me out in any way and wouldn't allow any of my family to know the baby (when he comes) in any way. LTB and my family were amazing, and so relieved.
I left and stayed with my parents for a week, and got back in the house on Thursday and he had taken all the baby's clothes, pram, car seat, travel cot, drawers, swing seat and all toys. He paid for them so says they are his. Basically left the crib and bath. I've managed to beg borrow and steal to get the house furnished (he literally took everything with him) and get some clothes together for baby. I've had no income as I'm waiting on benefit applications being processed.
So, my Aibu question...
I've said he can't come to the birth, but I will allow him to visit the baby in hospital and at my own house, supervised, and with ds1 no where near him. He says that's not good enough and he wants to take the baby away for a few hours contact a couple of days a week. My parents think he should not be anywhere near any of us, and I'm still being controlled by him. I also want baby's last name to be double barrelled with my maiden name, but stbexh says he has spoken to a lawyer and I can't do that, it has to be just his/my married name, and won't agree to it. So, given how arsey he has been with taking baby's stuff(which he won't get to use) along with all the emotional control and abuse, AIBU with my thoughts on contact should he have no contact at all til it's court ordered, or should he see the baby supervised.
No way is he taking the baby out.

OP posts:

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shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 19/03/2017 09:56

YANBU - stick to your guns

Snap8TheCat · 19/03/2017 09:57

You need your own legal advice. Good luck.

OliviaStabler · 19/03/2017 09:59

No way should he have any contact with baby unless through a court. Stick to your guns as pp said

Fruitcocktail6 · 19/03/2017 09:59

YANBU and well done for leaving.

I have no experience in this area but if it were me, I would say no contact at all.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 19/03/2017 09:59

Call your local sure start centre and your midwife tomorrow. They'll be able to signpost you to specific support.

BrieAndChilli · 19/03/2017 09:59

Let him go to court. I don't think they will order a newborn to be separated from its mother - especially if you are breastfeeding

Hogs · 19/03/2017 10:00

If I remember rightly, if you are married then then the father doesn't have to be present when baby is registered. Ergo, you can have whatever name you like.

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. X

stitchglitched · 19/03/2017 10:01

Register the baby asap after the birth and don't tell him anything until then. Otherwise as you are married he can go and register the baby himself and leave your name off completely. No way can he take a newborn away from it's mother so tell him no chance. And seek legal advice too.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/03/2017 10:03

I'd go and see a solicitor now. Some will do half an hour's advice for free.

Megatherium · 19/03/2017 10:05

Of course YANBU. The very fact that he thinks a newborn should be taken away from their mother for a couple of days a week shows that this is all about his wish to control you and he has no interest in the baby's welfare.

Don't double-barrel the name, just use your own surname.

Soubriquet · 19/03/2017 10:05

Definitely seek legal advice

You can put whatever surname you wish. And no court will seperate a new born from its mum

How bloody selfish of him though for taking everything back.

It's all about him isn't it?

IamFriedSpam · 19/03/2017 10:06

You need legal advice. Contact citizen's advice bureau. Obviously from a moral stand point YANBU but you need professional legal advice to make sure you're as protected as possible.

BeaderBird · 19/03/2017 10:07

Arsehole. He's talking shit about the name issue so you can tell him he's a bit fucking thick.

Trb17 · 19/03/2017 10:08

You can register the baby on your own and not even put the father on the birth certificate as far as I'm aware. Let's face it married women have babies through affairs and don't put the husband as a false father so you have all the options regarding babies name.

You could register the baby with no father and your surname. Or register the father as your DH but with your surname.

So proud of you for leaving. Stay strong and don't let him force you into visits with baby that don't sit right with you. Visitation can be sorted by the courts in due course so don't rush into anything straight after the emotional time of the birth. And absolutely don't let him be there at the birth. Ensure the hospital are aware too.

You can do this. Stay strong for your DC

StewieGMum · 19/03/2017 10:09

He's lying to you. You need your own specialist advice. The national domestic violence hotline can help you, especially about access.

He can't just take the baby. You can ban him from the hospital and insist on supervised contact in a contact centre. With babies little and often is the guideline but this is only reasonable if there has been no DV. He can take you to court and no judge will see a man who took all the babies belongings to punish you as a sign of a good father.

You need to get yourself a diary with lots of room to record all forms of contact. Refuse any contact that isn't via text or email so you have a full record of everything he says to you.

I would also phone police and ask to make a report about the domestic violence so that it is on record. If he sends you any abusive messages, report him for harassment. Tell the police he's stolen everything belonging to the baby. You need a legal trail of evidence behind you.

Soubriquet · 19/03/2017 10:09

Im just reading your other thread....do not let this man anywhere near you until the court says you have to. He is disgusting.

Soubriquet · 19/03/2017 10:10

I would be tempted not to name him on the BC to be entirely honest.

StewieGMum · 19/03/2017 10:11

If you're married, it is a legal requirement to put both names on the register. I'd be tempted to change your name by deed poll now and then use your last name for baby. DV should automatically cancel fathers rights.

ijustwannadance · 19/03/2017 10:11

You can give your baby whatever name you like.

If you haven't already, change the locks.

smallchanceofrain · 19/03/2017 10:11

YANBU.

I think if you offer supervised contact you are being more than reasonable. However, given the situation you have described no one would blame you if you said no contact until a court has made an order. If you do go ahead with supervised contact have someone else there with you. Let him nowhere near DS1.

You can call baby what you like. Whoever registers the birth can give the baby any name and surname they choose. You can go alone to do this (simply don't tell him!). He might not be happy but there's no law to say baby has to have his name - he's bullshitting you! He needs advice from real solicitor rather than the pretend one he has recently consulted!

Anniegetyourgun · 19/03/2017 10:11

stbexh says he has spoken to a lawyer and I can't do that

In the immortal words of Mandy Rice-Davies, "he would, wouldn't he?"

Do not believe a word that he tells you. He may not have spoken to a lawyer at all. If he did the lawyer may have told him something quite different, may have been answering a different question, or most likely was not in possession of all the facts. Get your own legal advice, and don't give an inch unless you absolutely have to, i.e. a court tells you, not Mr Mean.

Nice of him to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you did the right thing by leaving such a ghastly specimen.

WorknameJimEllis · 19/03/2017 10:12

What pp said.

GET A TRAIL OF EVIDENCE!!

RandomMess · 19/03/2017 10:15

YANBU and tbh I would go and register the baby and give it the name you want before you tell him the baby has been born.

Do not speak to him at all - communicate by email only so you have an evidence trail.

RandomMess · 19/03/2017 10:16

I would give the baby your maiden name or the same name as your DS and then change your name by deed poll to have the same name as your DC.

Wando1986 · 19/03/2017 10:20

Don't put him on the birth certificate AT ALL. Change your name back to your maiden name. Give new baby your maiden name.

Take every bit of control back off him.

I wouldn't even be letting him anywhere near the hospital, let alone my newborn child.

Having no father is better than having a controlling arsehole as one.

Seek legal advice and help from a women's advice centre asap.

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