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to wonder how much you can put yourself before cracking? Partner depressed.

(30 Posts)
welcometowonderland Sat 18-Mar-17 19:18:41

DH is depressed and has been for the last 6 months.
So as not to drip feed:
He's a survivor of physical and emotional abuse from an alcoholic parent. He's had counselling before and been on anti depressants. (neither right now ).

For the last few years he's struggled to get on top of his anger issues and to control his temper. Not easy when his useless father treated him terribly (hitting him, throwing bottles at him from the age of 8) and still insults him in a passive aggressive way although hasn't hit him since DH grew bigger then him.

These last 6 months have been hell.
DH calls me names. Belittles me. Criticizes almost everything I do.
Called me a stupid fucking bitch last night for forgetting to call the bank about a debt.
Repeatedly says he's not happy with me and threatens to leave me. Then changes his mind the next morning after I've cried myself to sleep.
Gets angry over tiny minor things. Calls me useless because I haven't made dinner.

Went to see Beauty and the Beast last night at the cinema. I was REALLY looking forward to it.
He moaned all the way there (it was raining, he didn't want to watch it, he didn't want to waste £7 on a cinema ticket, his back was hurting. ..blah blah. )
I snapped and said "Shut up!Seriously! "
He replied "Fuck off" threw some money at me and stormed off.
5 minutes later came back and walked with me to the cinema. I was crying.
Met our friends and watched the film.
Afterwards we walked home.
I asked him if he'd enjoyed it. "No not at all. It was a load of shit."
I started getting upset again and he yelled "just fuck off I'm leaving you tomorrow anyway. "

Cried all night, and this morning he's as nice as pie and acting like nothings happened.

He said today he's not leaving me.

I can't take this anymore. I suffer with depression and anxiety myself and this is making me ill.

I love him and I understand he's had a tough childhood with unresolved anger issues. I've supported him for years.
But I can't keep putting myself through this.

WWYD.

ChristinaParsons Sat 18-Mar-17 19:20:38

Leave

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 18-Mar-17 19:22:14

You feel sorry for him because he was abused. He's abusing you. Do you not feel the same respect, love and compassion for yourself?

I agree. Leave.

OfaFrenchmind2 Sat 18-Mar-17 19:22:45

Leave. His admittedly sad childhood should not poison your life. He is himself an abuser, and you do not deserve that.

Knifegrinder Sat 18-Mar-17 19:24:20

Leave. Your primary responsibility is to your own safety and MH, and ironically, it may in fact be the best thing you can do for him. At any rate, you can't go on living in such misery. He's not your job to fix.

Mumgyver Sat 18-Mar-17 19:24:20

He needs to go back on the antidepressants and back to counselling and you need to assess what you want to do. If it was me, and my DH also has long term problems depression due to a neglectful childhood, I'd be telling him he needs to go and live elsewhere. It doesn't have to be forever, unless you want it to be, but until he can live with you without being an emotionally abusive prick. Depression is a bastard, I know it, and loving someone who has depression is a bastard too but it doesn't give him the right to treat you this way.

PuntasticUsername Sat 18-Mar-17 19:24:45

It sounds as if he's projecting all his unresolved emotions about his horrible childhood onto you, rather than addressing them in a more healthy way. He has every right to find things difficult - it sounds as if he's had a really rough time - but no right to take things out on you like this.

Leave, until he sorts himself out.

Knackerelli Sat 18-Mar-17 19:26:03

DH has depression and linked anger issues. I too have cried myself to sleep many times. However, he's never spoken to me like that. I completely understand wanting to help him but you can't live like that. What does he say when you talk to him when he's more himself?

Whatthefudger Sat 18-Mar-17 19:26:39

Leave. This isn't on by any means flowers

Hassled Sat 18-Mar-17 19:27:01

Sadly lots of people have awful fucked up childhoods. That doesn't mean it's OK for them to create an awful fucked up existence for their partners. Without a lot of counselling (why isn't he having any now?) he won't change - you need to put yourself first at this stage. Your mental health matters as much as his does.

BellyBean Sat 18-Mar-17 19:31:51

The fact he's not engaging in any counselling /anger management or is even on meds would be a deal breaker from me (from someone with a depressed husband).

lalaloopyhead Sat 18-Mar-17 19:34:17

As awful as his past has been, this is not your responsibility. He needs to deal with that and get help for himself. He probably needs to be back on the AD and to try and get additional support, that isn't you.

As difficult as it is to face you are better out of this relationship, or at least until he is willing to address his behaviour. Whatever he has been through it is really not acceptable for him to to treat you this way.

You deserve to be happy.

bibbitybobbityyhat Sat 18-Mar-17 19:36:28

Well, you said it yourself. You can't keep putting yourself through this. Your relationship is not good and you should end it.

(but why did you post in Aibu? Why not Relationships? or mental health?)

Lilaclily Sat 18-Mar-17 19:37:05

It's ultimatum time, either he sorts himself out or you split up, don't have kids with him whatever you do, not whilst he's still behaving like this

BarInSpace Sat 18-Mar-17 19:41:28

You could tell him his behaviour isn't acceptable, and obviously keeps happening, so he needs to find the help to change it. He can go back to the GP for advice, and to ask whether taking medication again or having further counselling would be a good idea. If the NHS can't offer suitable counselling then contact the BACP to find someone.

NolongerAnxiousCarer Sat 18-Mar-17 19:42:14

Mental health problems are no excuse for abusive behaviour, his child hood may well be the reason for his behaviour but it does not excuse it. And I say that as someone who supports my DH with MH issues. DH has serious mental illness, following childhood abuse, at times has hallucinates and has paranoid delusions, I have had to call the police to detain him more than once because he's a danger to himself or others. Outside of these times where he really is terribly unwell and has been known to call me everything under the sun particularly if he's beeing detained, I would not tollerate the behavior you describe. Just because hes been abused doesn't give him the right to abuse you. Put yourself and your own MH needs first. Do you have any support inplace? I would suggest contacting womans aid, and seeing your own GP to get your own MH support in place if necessary.

Your DH needs to go back to his GP, and get himself sorted.

Out of interest, did he behave this way when on ADs and having councelling? My guess would be that he did, because what you describe doesn't sound like its purely down to depression.

GallivantingWildebeest Sat 18-Mar-17 19:45:45

He is abusing you. He might have had a bad childhood but he is repeating all the abusive behaviour with you. You don't deserve this!

You can't fix him - he has to want to do it for himself, and actually do it.

Leave him.

Mehfruittea Sat 18-Mar-17 20:09:08

Leave. This isn't depression, its abuse. He may also be depressed, but will getting a handle in that stop the abuse? How did he behave towards you before this episode of depression?

My DH had a breakdown and is depressed. It's caused problems in our relationship. There are times where he speaks to me in an unkind way. But he has never been aggressive, demeaning and nasty in any way towards me. He's never threatened to leave or berated me for my own faults or mistakes. He loves and respects me. Do you know for sure that your DH respects you?

DoggyMadMum Sat 18-Mar-17 20:13:00

I have had a handful of serious bouts of depression since I was diagnosed 10 years ago, I'm sure I've been very difficult to live with but I NEVER treated anyone like shit which is what your DH is doing - depression is no excuse for this behaviour.

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend Sat 18-Mar-17 20:15:28

Yeah, my husband has depression and it can be really tough going. I was prepared for a post along these lines. But your OH is abusing you and ruining your life. You don't owe him that. Leave.

honeyroar Sat 18-Mar-17 20:21:23

No wonder you're anxious! Why would you accept this behaviour when he won't even get help or address it? Next time he says he's leaving and changes his mind tell him it's too late, he's blown it and he will, in fact, be leaving.

welcometowonderland Sat 18-Mar-17 21:07:40

I didn't know him when he was in counselling, it was before we met when he was 19. We're both 33 now.

He's been on Venlafaxine which he hated for 3 years and was on it when we met.
The Dr recently prescribed him citalopram which is apparently a milder drug. But he hasn't filled the prescription yet because he is apprehensive about going back on drugs.

I'm so heartbroken right now. He can be so loving and affectionate and when he's in a normal stable mood he tells me I'm the best thing that's happened to him , he couldn't live without me etc. Buys me thoughtful gifts, flowers etc.

I know I need to put my own MH first. It's just...I feel like I would be so lonely and heartbroken if I left.

There's the having to tell family and friends too. They think we're perfectly happy.
Do I sound really pathetic?

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal Sat 18-Mar-17 21:12:13

I feel like I would be so lonely and heartbroken if I left.

Even more lonely and heartbroken than you feel right now?

welcometowonderland Sat 18-Mar-17 21:13:09

Would I hideously regret it if I left him?

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 18-Mar-17 21:18:44

Lovely I think you will regret not giving yourself a chance to recover your own health, your not in a place to be able to help him. He's not losing anything or learning anything to prompt him to get help.

Your his whipping boy, that's not fair, love is not conquering his demons, but they are attacking you flowers

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