Grandad zoo trip(30 Posts)
I come from a divorced family. This mean 3 sets of grandparents for my two children to see dd(2 years old) and ds (6 months)
My mil is awsome she comes up 2 times a week to help me out while dh is working away. She has a cup of tea sees the kids and is happy with that. She is amazing and follows anything I say when it to the children.
My mum and SD see the kids every 2 weeks from 1 until 3. Again follow.rules, dont boundary stomp so on so on. Giving me chance to catch up on stuff and have a little me time.
My dad and SM however just expect the children on demand. They havent seen the kids in 3 months. When I do see them my dad boundary stomps ie. Says my 7 year old sister can push dd on the front, in a trike unattended even tho the street is right by a road and makes me out to be a bitch when I say no. He even went as far as to take dd out to my sister out and then kicked up a fuss when I brought her back in
He questions everything I do ie. Dd cant have chocolate until she ate her lunch
And when I remind him im her mother hes even said "not when your here your their sister" as a joke but talk about disrespectful!.
Anyway. He rings after 3 months and asks if he can take dd the zoo. I say not without ds. He goes on a rant about saving money and how ds wont know whats going on.
I explain ds loves the zoo everytime we take him and its not fair for him to miss.out.
Dad goes in a huge guilt trip about how im stopping him see dd and how unreasonable im being and Ill just tell him I bring both kids to see him next weekend.
He hangs up and its done with.
Now I understand the kids will do different thing like playdates and stuff but I just feel my dad shouldnt be excluding ds after 3 months of not seeing either of them...also seeing their friends is very different to seeing family? Or am I wrong?
Oh thinks im being unreasonable and now im not sure?
Bring me the tough love if I need it haha
I would get tough about him over riding you in front of the children but the zoo visit thing? Sorry totally ridiculous on your part. He's six months old he won't notice and what a nice opportunity for your dd to have some time without the attention being on the baby and for you to have a day of one to one cuddles with your ds.
I'm sure it's your dad's previous behaviour that is making you feel this way but you are wrong about the zoo trip IMO <hopefully tough but not mean love!>
P.S I have form for irrational responses to reasonable requests from my frequently unreasonable IL's so I do understand, when someone pisses you off a lot generally it's hard be rational when when they blind side you with what is actually reasonable and acceptable behaviour!
I'd see n issue with him just taking the 2 yo tbh. So long as he still spends some time with your youngest. But I'm not sure I'd be happy with him having either of them alone with what you've said about him letting your toddler push the pram near the road etc. You're probably better off just visiting or going to the zoo with them.
Thats exactly what oh said but im just a bit like hes floated in after 3 months and doesnt want to see ds which could mean another 3 months before he decides to see him if he decides he doesnt want to do something with just dd.
It bubbles me up that he is totally disrespected then can just pick and choose when and which child he wants to see. Xxx
Your dad sounds like a massive pain in the arse talking over you undermining you isn"t right, however the zoo would be a nice day out on her own with her grandparents without the baby getting all the attention but it sounds like your dad wants to call the shots so yanbu because of how your dad is.
The two things are separate, the boundary thing YANBU, he shouldn't be doing that and you need to speak up and do what you need to to put a stop to it.
Not taking a baby on a zoo trip is different, at that age ds will just get to enjoy time with his parents and dd can enjoy the trip without her brother needing changing, routines etc.
I think there are a few different issues here. Giving your dd a trip out without the baby would be a great idea I think. Except that your dad has no concept of safety and I certainly wouldn't let him take my two year old out.
A six month old is not going to care about not going out to the zoo. However, you need to keep standing up for yourself with regard to his boundary pushing.
If he hasn't contacted you for three months I would see it as a blessing.
I wouldn't want him to have the 6mth old when he doesn't even know them but I would let him have the older child. So YABU on that issue.
Underminding you and being disrespectful. YANBU
The zoo itself isnt a unreasonable thing to ask I understand that its just after 3 months youd think he would want to see both?
He hasnt text in three months to even ask how either child is and then rings and is basically like im going to take dd to the zoo ... I dunno maybe I am being a bitch? Haha xxx
The more im writing the more im thinking why would I consider letting either child go ... god my dad is a pain!
I think a six month old could enjoy the zoo.
However, they haven't seen their grandfather for 3 months and he wants to just swoop in and take them out for the day. They don't know him. He doesn't know them really, they will have changed enormously in the space of 3 months, especially the youngest.
Are you happy for your children to go off for the day with someone, who as far as they are concerned is a stranger?
I have two grandchildren of nearly 3 and 9 months. Can't imagine my DD handing them over to her father to take out for the day - we're also divorced and he probably see them about once a month.
Also, it's sounds as if anything you tell him regarding their care for the day will be completely ignored as he seems to take delight in disregarding you.
Swaning in and out maki g demands to see them must be frustrating is there a reason for the swanning
Is this a zoo trip without you?
I wouldn't have let anyone have a trip out with any of my children if their safety standards were not acceptable to me. I may be more fussy than them. I may even be overprotective. So what? My kids, my decision.
There's no one right way to raise a child, so, unsurprisingly, others may sometimes disagree. Uncomfortable if it's my DM and DF.
However, the instant anyone gets argumentative or disrespectful, my first thought of "no, I think no", turns into" No,no ,no".
Could you suggest you all go together? GPs or not, your DC are very young to be handed over to someone they haven't seen for 3 months.
Would they even charge for a six month old in the zoo? Keeping costs down sounds like an excuse.
My dd is the same age and I wouldn't let anyone who didn't know her routine/ how to deal with her take her out. Not sure I would let them take a two year old either.
I wouldn't be saying no due to 6month old not going as well, I'd be saying no due to the way he treats you!
I can't see why it's wrong for them to just take the eldest to the zoo. She's closer in age to her auntie who I imagine is more like a cousin and it's probably nice for her to spend some time getting attention without it being overshadowed by her baby brother. It's also a lot easier to look after a 4yo and they may not feel confident enough to take a 6mo baby along too.
No ds would not cost! Massive excuse.
My step mum actually argues with my dad in my defence. So I dont mind her so much. Dd does have a good relationship with my dad. He used to see her often as id take them to his when I had a car. But since ds was born to save money we only have one car and dh needs it for work.
My dad was actually at the birth with dh of my ds and at first made every effort to see him. (Thats another story)
But after the argument about my sister having dd on the front unattended he just stopped bothering?
He has always boundary stomped but he just got worse as times gone on.
The more I think about it the more I think he just shouldnt have the kids alone and iv used the not one without the other as an excuse myself?
Also my younger sister is horrible.
She makes snarky remarks about everything and is horrible about dd playing with something. Ie my muumy and daddy have more money then yours which is why I have more toys
And if dd is playing with a toy.
You cant play with that anymore because its mine and iv decided I want to play with it.
Well your sister is only 7 so doesn't know better maybe because her parents don't correct her 7year olds can be mean sometimes. I think you have made the right decision for your dd not to go with them.
Of course I dont judge my sister for it she is after all only 7 but its just another thing my dad wont deal with. Sm is just as guilty with that one tho.
The point of that is its not as if dd has a particularly good relationship with her auntie as her auntie can be cruel with words and actions so I question if dd would of even had a good day out anyway xx
I think YANBU because of how he treats you - disrespecting you and not accepting that it's a case of your children, your rules.
However, if he was a fab granddad and you made an issue about going to the zoo without your 6 month old I would say you were being unreasonable.
Up to the age of 3 or 4 years you might as well go for a walk and play in a muddy puddle with a stick, or stay home and hit some cardboard boxes with a wooden spoon - they're just as happy as if they'd had an expensive day out. No one told me that so I struggled my way round zoos, aquariums and the like when they were little. They can't remember any of it and I don't think it contributed massively to their development.
Your father sounds like a pain and needs to understand they are your kids and what you say goes.
However IMHO I think he is not unreasonable to want to take a two year old to the zoo without a baby in tow.
Although, I doubt I would ever have let anyone take my two year old out without me, except Dh!
So as a helicopter parent I guess my view may not count!
In your shoes I would go with your father and both kids to zoo.
Also, at every meeting I'd make sure granddad knew how I expected my child/'re to be cared for and if he could not cut it the mustard, he would not be taking either of them anywhere for a long time.
Grandparents do not have a right to access to kids without their parents present! That access is given on trust the GGPs look after the kids as per parents expectations.
Just be firm.
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