To be a bit concerned about socially awkward son?(82 Posts)
My son is 9, as he's getting older it's becoming more noticeable that sometimes his behaviour can be inappropriate.
Please don't flame me as I'm having a bit of a tough time generally right now and I'm trying my best.
Basically he can come across really forward and cheeky but I'm fairly certain he doesn't know he's doing it. It's like he sees things as very black and white. He's not at all shy but needs to know when to zip it.
For example he goes to a football group, they were taking penalties and ds got knocked out. He just asked the coach quite casually and confidently if he got take his go again. The coach just laughed and said no but it's was wholly inappropriate to the situation.
If he comes out of school and sees a friend going to another friends house he'd think nothing of loudly asking if he can go with them. Even though he was never invited.
He constantly asks questions for example when I'm collecting his brother from preschool and doing handover he just keeps asking why that's there, why they're doing that, what is this for. I do tell him to stop interrupting.
There was a situation at school where another child was doing something that they had been specifically selected for, and ds brazenly asked if he could go too, it got him into trouble at school. I spoke with afterwards, he hadn't realised it was only for that child and felt bad.
We went to view a house and there was a stairlift, he asked the estate agent if he could have a go on it because it looked fun and if we could keep it if we bought the house. He kept asking if he could put his things on the shelves when we moved in, asking what was behind that door and so on.
I always speak to him to explain why that wasn't appropriate, how it might come across rude, why he can't just do what he wants. He understand once I've explained but just still doesn't seem capable of reading between the lines next time something comes up.
I'm quite firm and will tell him to shush when I need to. He feels really bad if he thinks he's upset someone.
What can I do? How can I deal with this better? Does it sound concerning?
Hmmm my DS would have seen no issue in asking these things but when he was much younger say 4 or 5. He is too very confident. However he has grown out of it and probably did so around 7 ish.
All sounds pretty normal to me op.
Asking for another go at football, asking for a go on a stairlift, asking to go on an activity not meant for them...they're just questions, why is this a problem?
My ds9 is fairly mature for his age and no behavioural issues or general concerns. He can hold a decent conversation about current events with adults and often gets complimented on his manners.
That didn't stop him last night from looking at MILs curry in a restaurant (big family meal, packed table) and stating loudly 'ha, that looks like diarrhoea!' in a voice like a bell
He realised a split second too late and, being 9, his mouth worked faster than his brain, which again IMO is 'normal' (although obviously we had a talk about it last night, he was pretty mortified).
another child was doing something that they had been specifically selected for, and ds brazenly asked if he could go too, it got him into trouble at school
Unless there's a lot more to this story (tantrums/meanness/inability to acceot a refusal) why on Earth would this get him into trouble?
Sam is going to a theme park for winning a competition. 'Can I go too?' asks ds. 'No ds, it was a prize and you didn't win'. 'Ohhh ok'.
I really don't get any of the problem tbph.
I asked to have a go on my friends stair lift
No autism diagnosis. His reception teacher used to say he was inappropriate at times but could never give examples. No major issues since then but he seems to be having a tough year at school.
Academically he's on target but I get the impression people are taken aback by his boldness.
It's quite normal for kids of that age to be socially confident, without being socially competent.
It's possible that he'll slowly cop on and grow out of it.
I also read that part of the OP in the same way as Peridot and wondered if there was more to it.
No he definitely doesn't think he's being funny, in fact he's mortified if he annoys someone.
The school thing, the child had been chosen for a gift and talented workshop. The child had told ds at playtime and ds asked the child if he could come. The child told ds he'd ha e to ask Mrs X, then ds had taken it upon himself to go up to the teacher involved with the boy and tell her 'I want to go to the workshop too'.
That teacher then told ds class teacher who apparently yelled at him for being rude.
No he definitely didn't tantrum once he knew he felt embarrassed but it took for me to explain that it was an activity only for that child.
I think it was the way he just boldly stated that he wanted to go.
He is still learning so be patient with him..Actually in all those situations l could see lots of children l teach saying those things and l would just explain quickly and move on..Try not to make a big deal just say l know you would love another go but ha thats not how it works. I thought opening your post that he was totally in your face but it sounds normal enough for a certain type of personality..
That teacher then told ds class teacher who apparently yelled at him for being rude.
What an extreme reaction from a teacher! When he asks these things is his phrasing/tone rude?
My ds is autistic and socially inappropriate but this doesn't sound the same. He just sounds very confident and a bit cheeky. I wouldn't be concerned tbh.
I think there's a lot in the way the adults respond to him.
The coach at football simply laughed and said "no,if everyone had another go we would be here all night". That was that ds sat down.
In the pre school they engage with him, they're being kind, but then he thinks it's ok so keeps on and on.
Ahh bless him I feel for him he's just learning his way. Better to be confident that way than shy. Just reassure him and support him especially if he's having a tough year at school.
That teacher then told ds class teacher who apparently yelled at him for being rude
That's the teachers issue not ds's.
I wonder if he's similar to my ds1 in that he's intelligent/talented at football etc but unfortunately knows it. My ds1 has a touch of 'sore loser' about him at times and I can well imagine him being initially disappointed at not being chosen for xyz, missing a football goal and asking...possibly slightly huffily...if he can go/do it again etc. It's something we try to manage and is improving, slowly. Still 'normal' though.
You seem to have him earmarked as 'brazen' up but asking blunt questions, even at 9, is standard IMO.
All sounds normal to me. He sounds like a confident, engaged kid who hasn't grown his filter yet.
Are you quite a timid person? Sometimes kids can be really embarrassing if you're not that robust yourself
What's wrong in the way the coach responded? It's just a bit of a non event tbh op, not concerning at all.
I think that whatcthe reception teacher said has stayed with you, and you're extra conscious of him being 'inappropriate'. She couldn't give you examples, because there probably weren't any. Four and five year olds don't think before they speak.
At my daughters school the two students who get the most good behaviour/attendance points got to go to Thorpe Park. Last term my daughter was one of the winners and her friend was really bitter, constantly telling daughter how much she hated it there, that it was rubbish, or that she was going that weekend. Then her mum rang the headmistress and insisted her daughter was allowed to go too. That was inappropriate because they're 15 years old, and in year eleven. I'd love to know what the headmistress said.
Honestly, what he's doing doesn't sound bad, and as for wanting to put his things on shelves of houses you're looking at, I think that's completely normal. We're househunting, and almost every house we look at on Rightmove my daughters are imagining their things in there.
Nothing at all wrong in how the coach responded, he was spot on.
He definitely hasn't got his filter yet.
The examples I'm giving don't sound that bad but he's noticeably louder and more outspoken than most kids I know. I'm getting worried if it's getting him in bother at school.
Thanks for the reassurance. I'm probably just worrying too much.
It has stayed with me what the reception teacher said. She seemed to take a strong dislike to him. The first hour she met him she raised 'concerns' and said she needed to speak to his nursery senco, but never did. Always said he was different and inappropriate but never followed anything up.
He had a good few years then but has now been in trouble. Dh thinks it's a storm in a teacup so perhaps it is.
I am recovering from depression so things generally do seem worse.
he's noticeably louder and more outspoken than most kids I know
He's going to be an MP.......
A lot of this seems to be more about your embarrassment rather than your son doing anything wrong. He's curious, he wants to be involved and included and he will learn. Provide him with guidance, but don't stifle him into silence.
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