To be pissed off my "date" wouldn't let me pay for dinner?

(49 Posts)
dinnerdatedisaster Fri 17-Mar-17 23:21:19

Went out on a date for dinner tonight, and when the bill came I offered to pay.

This was met by him getting really defensive, saying that he earns more than me and therefore he should pay, and that I was running a perfectly nice evening by attempting to pay. I said that I didn't expect a man to pay for me and despite the fact he earns more than me I was more than happy to pay.

Maybe I should just accept it as a nice thing for him to do?!

MarkRuffaloCrumble Fri 17-Mar-17 23:35:01

I'd take it as a nice gesture if he hadn't got defensive and accused you of ruining a nice evening. He sounds like a controlling arsehole from that little snapshot!

FWIW my DP insisted on paying on our first date, but he just said "my treat, I insist. My grandad wouldn't forgive me if I let you pay" so he framed it as a chivalrous thing. I have since found out that he will offer to pay with family and friends too, not just dates.

I was originally concerned that it made him a chauvinist, but I think he's only mildly chauvinist just traditional with old fashioned values.

dinnerdatedisaster Fri 17-Mar-17 23:47:47

Yes it was definitely more controlling than chivalrous! He said he is used to paying for everything and for a partner to pay for nothing, but I said that wasn't what I am like! I don't expect a man to pay for everything just because I am a woman, and that then lead to a feminist argument...

Welshmaenad Fri 17-Mar-17 23:53:58

I always offer to pay on a first date and anyone who got shitty about it wouldn't get a second.

WorraLiberty Fri 17-Mar-17 23:56:18

How many times have you been out with him?

sonyaya Sat 18-Mar-17 00:05:46

Him insisting on paying, if done nicely, is a good thing. But bringing your earnings into it and being defensive? Hell no.

WaegukSaram Sat 18-Mar-17 00:40:21

He told you you were ruining his evening because you didn't do what he said?

What an arsehole. At least you've seen his true colours nice and early though.

GoodnightSeattle Sat 18-Mar-17 00:47:51

I learnt long ago to give up the "no I'll pay" ritual that appears to accompany every shared meal or round of drinks these days. It's like we're all trying to out-British each other. Generally I will offer ONE "no I can't let you do that" - if they still insist then it's a done deal, Seattle is getting some free food.

Although pointing out how much you both earn is a total dick move and being told you're ruining a date because you would like to pay for your own meal is a red flag imo, he wouldn't be getting a second from me.

ScarlettFreestone Sat 18-Mar-17 00:53:29

Well it depends why the argument occurred really.

I'd have offered to pay or split it but if he insisted nicely I'd have said that I'd get drinks or pay next time.

Not a male/female thing - I'd do the same with friends.

If he jumped straight to "you're ruining my night" I wouldn't see him again.

OTOH if you caused such a scene about paying that he was embarrassed then he may not want to see you again.

It's hard to say without context.

BackforGood Sat 18-Mar-17 00:58:53

What Scarlett says.
There's no 'one rule'.

PeachyImpeachment Sat 18-Mar-17 01:11:35

I came to this thread thinking he was just trying to be nice - but no, bin.

stolemyusername Sat 18-Mar-17 01:56:44

When DH and I first got together he asked me out for dinner and I declined as I needed to wait until payday - he offered to take me as he really wanted to see me (I wanted to see him too) so all good.

Being told you are ruining the evening would definitely put me off a further date.

HappyPaddyDay Sat 18-Mar-17 03:50:09

It sounds like you may well have been ruining the evening having a feminist argument because he was trying to pay for your meal.

Him mentioning the earnings aspect stopped the gesture being a nice one and was fairly dickish.

Dumdedumdedum Sat 18-Mar-17 04:24:22

Well, you won't be going out with him again, now, will you (your choice, not his!)?

theothercatpurred Sat 18-Mar-17 04:30:51

* pointing out how much you both earn is a total dick move and being told you're ruining a date because you would like to pay for your own meal is a red flag imo, he wouldn't be getting a second from me.*

This ^^

It's not what he did, it's how he did it. Also it sounds like he has no respect for your views, he just thinks he's right. Because.

Avoid! he's done you a favour by showing what a dick he is about this early on. So much better to discover this now than months or even years down the line. He's saved you from heartache and wasting your time by being so upfront about being an arsehole. Please heed the warning!

TheNiffler Sat 18-Mar-17 08:06:39

Well, I came on to say YABU, but having read all of your OP, he sounds like a rude, controlling twat, what a dick move.

"Let me pay this time, my treat". Good
"Whinge. You're ruining my evening by not being compliant, AND I EARN CONSIDERABLY MORE THAN YOU.". Cunt. Bin.

Mermaidinthesea Sat 18-Mar-17 08:08:09

I wish someone would pay for my dinner. All the men i've been involved with were sponging fucks who paid for nothing.

Ellisandra Sat 18-Mar-17 08:16:43

He sounds like a total arsehole.

I told a first date I wanted to split the cost of a meal. Three times, a firm "no, I'm not comfortable, I always split on first dates - thank you for offering though, it's kind of you".
He paid it when I went to the loo.

He didn't get a second date, and that was part of why. And I told him so. To, that's like saying where shall we eat and me saying "anywhere but Chinese" and him booking Chinese anyway. Leaving aside any discussion about feminism (though I'm happy to discuss that too!) it's just damn rude to over-rule someone's wish to split and make them uncomfortable - and I don't date damn rude people.

My fiancé?
Drink only "I'll get these?"
Me "thank you, that's lovely - and I'll accept if I'm buying them when we meet again?"
Him <massive grin at second date>

It is perfectly possibly to accept politely. I would only date a man who could politely accept a decline to treat, too.

ememem84 Sat 18-Mar-17 08:23:35

I work on the basis that I don't expect to have stuff paid for. I always offer (dh and I are now married so this rule applied when we were going out initially and also now when I go out with friends colleagues etc) and if it's a "no I insist my treat" I say thank you and make a point of getting the next one if there's a next one.

TheCakes Sat 18-Mar-17 08:27:57

I also expected to tell you YABU and that he was just being chivalrous, but no. He was dismissive and rude - not endearing qualities.

whatsfair Sat 18-Mar-17 08:42:24

Run for the hills!

Trills Sat 18-Mar-17 08:49:28

^ he is used to paying for everything and for a partner to pay for nothing^

I don't want to date that guy

Sounds like you don't want to either

TheDowagerCuntess Sat 18-Mar-17 08:55:53

YANBU - red flags a-wavin'.

DH insisted on paying on our first date, but it was very low key. And besides, he's Irish, so he'll always attempt to override anyone else trying to pay.

Porpoiselife Sat 18-Mar-17 09:00:11

I would be happy if someone was insisting they pay! I'd just accept gracefully and tell them the next ones on me.

Hadalifeonce Sat 18-Mar-17 09:07:55

I went on a blind date once, for drinks. He insisted he take me for dinner; when the bill came, he split it but told me I didn't have to pay for the liqueurs, as I hadn't had any....... what a gent!

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