To thinkbeing in care, as a child, doesn't mean I'll be a bad mum

[daffodildandeliondaisy]

I feel I am treated with hostility for this,and it upsets me.Can anyone explain why?

[BarbarianMum]

Who is treating you with hostility? What are they saying? I've certainly heard people who have had no parental role models (or bad ones) say that they found "learning to be a parent" hard because there was no "I'll do it this way because that's what my my did" to fall back on. But that doesn't mean they are bad parents.

[CatsRidingRollercoasters]

Sorry you are feeling this way. Of course it doesn't mean you'll be a bad mum!

More detail needed.

[daffodildandeliondaisy]

HVs and midwives and doctors.

[BarbarianMum]

That's very strange. Excuse me for asking but are you very young?

[daffodildandeliondaisy]

In my 20s

[TeenAndTween]

No, it doesn't mean you will be a bad Mum.
However the professionals may have extra concerns as

• you may not have experienced 'good parenting' so might have less knowledge on how to parent well
• you may not have so much wider family support
• you may not have seen a good loving relationship at first hand via your parents, so they may be more worried about potential instability in your relationship with the father of the baby

perhaps that comes over as hostility, when maybe they are pushing a bit in their attempts to check you are going to be careful during the pregnancy and capable afterwards.

[daffodildandeliondaisy]

Problem is I can't do much about any of those things lol

[TheDevilMadeMeDoIt]

I know quite a few young women who have either been in care or had appalling childhoods. The vast majority are excellent mothers, because they're determined that their child(ren) won't grow up with the same experience that they had.

[ChasedByBees]

You can't, no. What you can do is demonstrate - both by stating what's needed and then modelling the behaviours - that you will be a good mum despite all those things.

You clearly care and that's the first thing needed. :)

[daffodildandeliondaisy]

I shouldn't really have to justify myself, though. Thanks, Thedevil Ihope I will be good.

[Mehfruittea]

What Teen said.

I went through training and assessment for adopting a child and the social workers basically said all that. Cycles of neglect through generations due to no positive role models. I started shitting myself as had a really tough home life, homeless at 16, DM victim of abuse and neglect etc. They ripped me to pieces on all of this, I went through a psychological assessment, passed it, and they still said they had concerns. Sorry to go off topic, but all the professionals are trained to look out for flags like this and ring a loud bell. Sorry, it doesn't mean they are right, but they will think they are.

[daffodildandeliondaisy]

I just avoid them, but it's difficult because sometimes I do actually need them lol!

[PovertyJetset]

I don't know what they have said to you, but could it be...
They are aware of your background and so are being super vigilant with all aspects of your pregnancy.
Because of your background you're somewhat defensive and your guard is up?

I'm sure you're going to be a great mum and at least you know you have support on tap.

[daffodildandeliondaisy]

What support on tap? Have you confused me with someone else?:)

[TeenAndTween]

The thing is, it's not about 'justifying yourself'. It is about helping the professionals be confident that you will be able to parent the baby appropriately.

So talking about how you and your partner have been doing xyz to prepare (e.g. reading books on child development, watching clips on YouTube on how to bath a baby, attending antenatal classes) and who you may have in your lives to act as a support network etc. will help them be confident about you.

[daffodildandeliondaisy]

But why should I have to? Obviously Idon't have a supportnetwork. Willthey take the baby off me?

[gamerchick]

You tell us OP, are they going to take your baby off you?

[PovertyJetset]

What I mean is that should you need it, your MW, HV and GP are your support and there to help you.

You're perhaps vulnerable to them, is there something in your past that makes you vulnerable. So they most likely will want to see that you are getting ready to be a mum?

[TeenAndTween]

No they won't take the baby off you just because you have no support. babies are only removed as a last resort.

But if you have no family and no friends who can provide support (practical or emotional), and your partner (if around still?) also can't provide that, then they will know that you and your baby are potentially more vulnerable and you may require more support from professionals than average.

The bottom line though, is that issues do repeat across the generations. This is why they are concerned. This is also why you need to show them you have it all in hand, or ask for more help if you need it.

[PatsysPyjamas]

Gamerchick, that doesn't seem very supportive

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

I think you need to be less defensive. Being openly hostile is not going to give professionals the confidence that you can care for your child. Believe it or not they are not doing this to piss you off, they are doing it because of long studied and established patterns.

None of that means you will be a bad mum. Think of it like this - if you came from a family with a history of genetic illnesses, you would be given advice and support as to whether you would have certain tests and counselling. The HVs etc. are there to support you in the case you might need it. They're not baby snatchers.

(I'm aware it's not a perfect analogy!)

[tava63]

Here's what I think, the people who have survived and learnt to dig deep and thrive by accepting who they are, where they came from and realising that they are good enough make the best of parents because they really really know the importance of love and being loved. Best wishes to you and your family in the years ahead.

[dontbesillyhenry]

Long term outcomes for care leavers are statistically very poor though- for health, educational attainment and socio economic status. Because of this it stands to reason to target support for parents who have been in the care system- no?

[TeenAndTween]

Love isn't enough though.

[PatsysPyjamas]

Bless you tava63. My DH had a very dysfunctional family background and quite a horrible childhood. I wouldn't say he is thriving because he knows who he is, there is still a struggle there and he has low self esteem. But he is a very caring parent who appreciates the importance of loving and being loved.