To wish that just this once, my friend would contribute to the food

(68 Posts)
user1489765049 Fri 17-Mar-17 15:47:07

I have a friend I've known 5 years. He's loyal, never gossips, is honest and genuine.

There's only one problem.

While him and his boyfriend have a joint income of 65k a year and I'm a single mum on minimum wage, his idea of us meeting up is him coming to mine once a month in the morning eating lunch, drinks, snacks, dinner and snacks in the evening while I run around tidying up after him and serving his every need.

He came today and I made omelettes and soup, washed up his cups and plates, made dinner and washed them up, then made drinks. The made his bed up. In the morning I make breakfast and a drink again/wash up after him/tidy the bathroom.

Even though I've completely stopped doing anything expensive food wise and he has to make do with cereal, baked potatoes etc the cost comes to about £10 all in and for me, that's actually quite a lot.

He has never invited me to his, never suggested meeting up outside of my house and whenever I suggest it he says he doesn't have much money. I have never invited him to mine, he invites himself.

I feel bad but I dread him coming over as I used to be a waitress and I honestly feel like I've done a 12 hour shift by the time he's left! He never contributes a penny. Never once offered to pay for a take away so I don't have to cook or brought something along like a bottle of wine or a dessert to help/contribute. He basically comes and I'm a waitress for 12 hours while he's here. By the time he's left I feel exhausted as I also have two children to look after.

The final nail in the coffin was he came today and decided to stay overnight and he asked me to bring the footstool to the right so he could put his feet on it!!!! I'd just spent an hour washing all the dishes and making dinner, he could have got up and moved it himself. I don't expect him to help but he could make his own drink!

Despite this he genuinely cares for me, is never jealous of me, we talk about everything and anything and deep down he's not a bad person, just badly brought up by a mum who saw to his every need. I actually think he's selfish to the extent that he cannot see the needs of anyone but himself.

He has no other friends as everyone gets fed up in the end and ends contact.

I absolutely want to stay friends. But I'm done trying to get him to have more social understanding. If I do ask him to bring something along 'why don't we have pizza night, you bring the dessert I will cook pizza' sort of thing, he never brings anything remotely decent or 'forgets' it or decides he doesn't want dessert so that doesn't help.

So while I will continue to see him. AIBU to put a stop to these visits altogether and arrange meet ups only at pubs/restaurants? Where I won't be paying for him and waiting on him hand and foot.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Fri 17-Mar-17 15:49:31

Next time he texts for an invite suggest he brings his wallet so you can go halves on a take away. .
Or fake a sprained wrist and let him be the waiter /housekeeper etc!!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Fri 17-Mar-17 15:51:39

You posted this recently. You said you'd rather let the friendship tail off than say anything.

So let the friendship tail off as clearly you aren't going to say something.

user1489765049 Fri 17-Mar-17 15:52:09

The thing is, that would only solve the issue that one time. He doesn't have the empathy to accept a 'sorry I no longer have the money to feed you please contribute'. He would just be hurt and offended'.

And a sprained ankle can't go on forever.

My friends and I often make each other food and go to each other's houses.

But this is different. I feel like I'm being used for a nice little break and feel genuinely used/taken advantage of by the time he leaves/

SaucyJack Fri 17-Mar-17 15:56:05

What's the point of a gay cocklodger?

He saw you coming.

Trifleorbust Fri 17-Mar-17 16:00:58

Why are you having him round uninvited at all? You sound incredibly passive.

Secretariat Fri 17-Mar-17 16:01:36

I find this all a bit odd. Next time he invites himself round just tell him he is welcome but you cant afford to feed him today. If he gets offended, tough shit. If he really is skint then he should understand.

You should be able to be open and honest with your friends without them throwing their toys

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Fri 17-Mar-17 16:02:57

Have you posted before about this twat of a freeloader?
No he doesn't care about you & he's a shit friend-if he wasn't he wouldn't treat you this way.

Akire Fri 17-Mar-17 16:04:36

Either ditch him or have it out, say look I love having you over but I would appreciate you taking turns buying and cooking food and washing up. There's no reason why he can't make and un make his own bed as a regular guest. Just point him in direction of spare sheets and duvet let him get on with it.

Failing this fake a job at the weekend so you will be to busy to have him over!

someonestolemynick Fri 17-Mar-17 16:05:36

"Hi x, lovely to see you. I thought I could visit in a couple of weeks so you don't always have to track down."
You've only really got yourself to blame.

HecateAntaia Fri 17-Mar-17 16:05:39

Why can't you tell your supposedly good friend how you feel?

He is taking the piss. Tell him.

If he gets annoyed because you feel used then he actually isn't a good friend, is he?

You keep on telling yourself that he's nice, and he cares for you and all that shit if it makes you feel better about being taken for a mug, but it isn't true because a)nice people do not take the piss like this and b) you can't even tell your supposedly lovely friend how you feel.

WhereYouLeftIt Fri 17-Mar-17 16:07:32

"He has no other friends as everyone gets fed up in the end and ends contact."
What a surprise hmm.

"I feel like I'm being used for a nice little break and feel genuinely used/taken advantage of by the time he leaves"
That would be because you are being used.

"He would just be hurt and offended."
And why must that be avoided? Why is his being hurt and offended by being told the truth more important than you being hurt and offended by his treatment of you. That is a serous question by the way - I want you to answer, to yourself at least, why you are putting your feelings at a lower priority than his.

He is a user. That won't change. You are his last friend for a good reason. Oh, and while you might be his friend, he is not yours.

Tell him the truth.

Janey50 Fri 17-Mar-17 16:08:21

Sorry OP but he sounds like a tight-fisted,lazy excuse of a friend! Stop being so passive. You are not his servant/waitress. Next time he invites himself round,tell him you are very low on funds so could he bring some food. And stop running round after him! Ask him to wash up. Sounds like he was a mummy's boy who never had to lift a finger.

BaDumShh Fri 17-Mar-17 16:11:24

I'm sure I read this exact same thread a few months ago. why are you still letting this carry on? The answer was and is still the same: He is taking the piss and you are being a mug for letting him.

If you still want to see him (although I have no idea why) suggest meeting only in pubs or restaurants, rather than inviting him to yours. But make sure you split the bill.

ExitPursuedByUser54321 Fri 17-Mar-17 16:15:33

It's like Groundhog Day round here.

I know, I keep saying that

RhiWrites Fri 17-Mar-17 16:16:54

I also remember a very similar thread. OP have you posted before?

HecateAntaia Fri 17-Mar-17 16:17:40

Yes, I've read this before too.

op - if you lie on the floor, people will wipe their feet on you. That's just how it is. He behaves like this because you allow it.

Are you really that afraid of being assertive and/or desperate for friends that you will just accept any treatment?

That is no way to live. You deserve better than that, don't you think?

neveradullmoment99 Fri 17-Mar-17 16:20:02

He is kind of treating you like his mother. My older children are like this when they come to stay. They have got better. Why dont you just speak to him? No need to end the friendship. I would possibly approach it as your friendship being a bit one sided. I would say that it would be nice from time to time to be treated as his place and get to know his partner?
I think you need to talk to him about how you feel. If nothing changes, then let it tail off.

ButtercupChain Fri 17-Mar-17 16:21:08

Stop inviting him???

DJBaggySmalls Fri 17-Mar-17 16:37:49

Just meet him elsewhere and stop enabling him. Theres no need for any handwringing over it.

flippinada Fri 17-Mar-17 16:38:46

So basically your "friend" comes to your home and expects you to wait on him hand and foot? That's awful. Do you invite him to stay (if so, why), or does he invite himself?

I can guarantee he knows exactly what he's doing, freeloading pisstaker that he is. No need to be rude or aggressive, just tell him politely to help out and contribute or no more visits!

DrinkFeckArseGirls Fri 17-Mar-17 16:41:32

You've posted about this before, OP! Exactly the same thread.

ThreeFish Fri 17-Mar-17 16:42:12

I've read this before too. Why did you not take the advice given previously and stop offering him food?
And actually tell him he can't stay for dinner or overnight.

Oblomov17 Fri 17-Mar-17 16:42:20

Is this about to be deleted?
If not why don't you tell him. Please grow a pair and just tell him.

wizzywig Fri 17-Mar-17 16:44:49

How do people search to see past posts that a poster has sent?

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