To limit contact with my mum?(8 Posts)
I genuinely can't see the wood for the trees here so some opinions would be greatly appreciated.
Some background info. I am originally from another country and all my family still live there. I have a DS who is almost 2. We have been back to visit once and have another trip planned this year.
My parents are divorced and re-married (to different people). My relationship with my mum now that I am an adult is weird (IMO) in that she'll frequently ignore emails and phone calls from me and it's normal for us to go 6 months or more without speaking. Basically she likes contact on her terms. She is the same with my brother so it's nothing personal.
When DS was born she came to stay with me to 'help' but instead treated it like a holiday and me like a servant.
This did mean though that when we went to visit last year the trip was mainly for my dad's side of the family.
My dad and step mum adore DS. They Skype every weekend and I think he has a pretty good relationship with them.
My mum, on the other hand hasn't bothered trying to build any sort of relationship nor has she ever emailed or phoned me to ask how he is. She's just happy to be the perfect Facebook granny who gushes publicly over pics but really doesn't bother with anything else.
Our planned trip this year is for two weeks. I have a feeling my mum will want a full week but I almost resent giving that to her.
I feel guilty to take DS away from DF and DSM for half the time when they are so excited and have really made an effort. But I would also feel bad if I limited my mum to a couple of days and she wanted more.
But then the more cynical side of me thinks all her contact will only be for Facebook anyway.
How unreasonable would it be to limit our contact with my mum?
Well since it's a once yearly trip I would spend only a few days with your mother and the rest with your father as you and your son will enjoy it more.
Don't worry about hurting her feelings as she clearly doesn't worry about yours!!
How about you top and tail? The first 3 days with your mum, then a week with DF then back to your mum's at the end. That way you can say to them that both have got equal time, but you only have to be with your mum for short doses.
Not at all. You get what you put in tbh. Prioritise your dad and step mum who actually make an effort.
My MIL makes zero effort and lives in the same city. She never vists us, whines for DH to visit her every couple of months when she isn't busy, never ever asks in a phone call or text about the DCs, doesn't ask about their lives in any way, likes them to be near but quiet so she can talk at DH. One one rare visit to out house, she shouted up the stairs for DD to be quiet when she was calling down, because she was talking basically. DD had been to the toilet and needed help , such an inconvenience. MIL also moaned before that my DCs see my nan a lot more, because she is genuinely interested, wants to see them, phones up for them, gives them a £1 or some sweets, picks up little cheap bits for them and genuinely likes having them around. MIL has nothing to moan about seeing she does none of this therefore we don't prioritise her at all.
Thanks for the advice everyone.
I like the idea of topping and tailing but I'm still not sure about equal time
See you dm for a few days at the start of your holiday then if she is a pita you can move on and enjoy the rest of your trip!!
Your obviously aren't her priority so don't make her yours. .
Why do people persist in making an effort to see parents who don't bother?
I doubt that your DC would even notice if they never saw her again.
What are you getting out of the contact with her?
I'm making the effort because I guess otherwise I'd feel pretty bad. I know how illogical it sounds but the way she behaves makes me feel a little rotten and I don't want to make anyone (including her) feel that way. I don't want to go out of my way to spend time with her and don't want to devote too much time but I also don't want to deny her a visit with her only GC.
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