IABU to want to see my new BF on Mother's day?

[chickenwire17]

NC for this, but am a long term user.
I have two DSs - 13 and 10 and am a single mum. My own mother died 7 years ago. I find every Mother's day hard - I miss my Mum, and don't want to sit in a restaurant surrounded by women my own age with their Mums and MILs. My boys, once they have given me the lovely cards and chocolates etc, are very reluctant to do anything with me (I like the idea of going for a walk, but if I enforce it, it invariably becomes a fractious nightmare, especially with the eldest, who can be quite challenging). They then get progressively more bored as the day wears on, as all their friends are usually doing 'Mum' things.
This year, my new BF would like to see me on that day (although he has totally left it up to me, as he recognises the importance of the day). Now I know that Mother's Day is really about the children, but mine really don't seem very fussed about it. I have approached their dad (with whom I have a good relationship) to see if he will have them, and he considers me to be selfish in not wanting to spend the day with my boys (I would love to spend the day with them; if it was a happy, enthusiastic time!)
IABU to choose to spend the day with my BF, if both boys are happy with that? I would obviously see the boys first thing. wise MNetters, what do you think?

[chickenwire17]

Should add that this is a long distance relationship. We don't get to see each other more than 2 or 3 times a month.

[xStefx]

I don't know. I suppose if your boys don't really mind then theres no issue.

[Chocolatecake12]

Could you all do something together or is this a fairly new relationship? Has he met the boys yet?
I'm thinking bowling or a movie? Lunch somewhere the kids would like - TGI's or frankie and bennys.
Or a day out at the coast? Arcades and ice creams!!
But I'd chat it over with your boys. They're old enough to be a part of this decision.

[Comealongpond89]

I dont think UABU. You're boys are old enough to choose for themselves and if they'd rather be doing something that they enjoy to give you the chance to have a nice day I don't think it's a problem

[IamFriedSpam]

Could you do something in the morning with the boys - big breakfast or something then go see your boyfriend later?

[IamFriedSpam]

I don't think YABU though, most people I know don't make a huge deal of mothers day, a nice lunch and that's it.

[ThePiglet59]

Let the boys do the card and flower thing in the morning and pack them off to dad's. I doubt that they will mind.

[WorraLiberty]

YANBU if the boys are happy, what's the problem?

I think Mother's Day causes far too much misery and angst for far too many Mumsnetters.

[FrizzBombDelight]

It's a made up day to sell us tacky shit we don't need, ignore the ex and do what you want!

[MrsHathaway]

I think that sounds completely fair.

In families where the mother and father are together, it's very common for Mothering Sunday to be mother's day off where father takes the noisies out of the house so she can have a lie in then a poo bath in private. It doesn't have to be a day where she's completely smothered by them all day.

You may have a good relationship with XP but it was still a bit of a shitty thing for him to say. "That's selfish of you" rather than "Are you sure you want to give up your Sunday with the boys?"

I'd recommend responding with "Mother's Day is hard for me because of having lost my own mother, so the very last thing I want to do is dwell on the idea all day long. I'll drop them off at 11am if that suits."

[Chloe84]

YANBU.

What does your ex do with the boys on Father's Day?

[ThePiglet59]

Having said that. If you had been on here complaining hat your exH wanted to dump the boys on Father's Day to spend time with his latest bit of fluff, I could imagine the outrage.

[Owllady]

Your ex sounds like an idiot tbh.
My children aren't bothered about Mothers day either. They'll buy me a token gift but it's just like any other day :)
See your BF if you want to. Are the boys okay to be left alone for a few hours?

[MrsHathaway]

Having said that. If you had been on here complaining hat your exH wanted to dump the boys on Father's Day to spend time with his latest bit of fluff, I could imagine the outrage.

That would be because the situations aren't symmetrical though, surely? It's one thing for the RP to have a rare day "off", and quite another for the NRP to cancel a rare day "on".

If they have 50/50 care or if the father were the RP then it would be more comparable.

[chickenwire17]

Thanks for the responses, everyone. the DCs don't know about the BF, so I have tentatively suggested that I have friends that I've been invited out with.
Yeah, on the whole my ex and I have a good relationship, but he can be very judgemental of me and I think he is a little jealous as he is currently single. I think I will plan to see the boys in the morning and then spend the rest of the day with the BF.
On Father's day ex sees his father and takes the boys with him.

[MerryMarigold]

Now I know that Mother's Day is really about the children,

....

Mother's Day is about the mother. In this case YOU - as you don't need to worry about making your own Mum feel special.

Do what you want to, whatever makes you feel good and special.

[EdmundCleverClogs]

Ask your boys. Make it clear that you would love to spend the day with them, but if they genuinely are not bothered then you would like a compromise of cards/breakfast together and they can spend the afternoon with their dad. Is his mum still alive? Maybe they could spend the afternoon with her if it's such a big deal to your ex. Just don't make out 'well since you're not arsed, I'll spend the day with new bf', that could be hurtful.

[MommaGee]

If ex can have the kids and do something fun 2ith them why can you have them and do something fun with them? How would you feel if he didid the same on father day?

Haviing said that, if the kids are happy I don't see that it really matters

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

It's just a bit depressing that you literally can't think of anything you'd like to do with your children that would make all three of you happy.

[chickenwire17]

DC1 can be very challenging, holdme. He tends not to want to do anything that I want to do, per se. For example, last night there was just he and I in the lounge with the TV. I suggested we chose a programme that we both like (Big bang theory, for example). DC1 rejected this and chose instead to try to watch a programme that he knows I don't like. It is not easy between us at the best of times and he generally struggles in life to take into account other people's feelings. Add to that the pressure of Mother's day and it's a recipe for disaster. Last year was utterly horrendous; DC2 said last night that he didn't want to spend Mother's Day all together because DC1 was so to me last year.

[MsPavlichenko]

I don't do it. My late DM didn't bother either, and we were really close. When my DC were wee they got/made cards or gifts and it was lovely but not fussed now. I am really close to them too.

I can't be bothered with an enforced day, especially for folk who don't bother much at other times. Better to be kind and loving al the time to your loved ones than show it with gifts etc one day a year.

Do what makes you all happy, which sounds like your plan. Nothing to do with your XP at all.

[chickenwire17]

DC1 was so horrible to me last year, that ought to read!

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

That sounds really difficult.

I would worry that deciding to just try to enjoy the day without the children would push DS1 further away and leave both feeling rejected.

[EpoxyResin]

When me and my db were still at home with our mum all mother's day was was breakfast in bed and a home made card. The rest of the day was business as usual! Once we left home it was a phone call and a card. She passed away when we were in our early 20s so I can't say what things would be like now.

But I definitely don't think that mean or anything; I didn't realise mother's day was such a big occasion for others!

[ImperialBlether]

It sounds as though your elder son is off the same block as his dad. Maybe they should spend more time together? Maybe if your ex experienced some of his son's selfishness first hand, he might understand how you feel.