AIBU to wife regarding baby names?(47 Posts)
My wife and I are expecting our first child (a DD) very shortly and we've narrowed names down to a handful. My wife has shown a preference for one name, a name which she has loved for many years, however it is very similar to my 6 year old niece's name.
For arguments sake let's say the names are Emma & Emmi.
My sister absolutely loves my wife to bits and I imagine she would be flattered and not bothered in the slightest if we chose a name similar to her DD. There may be a few grumbles from other family members (from my side), but nothing more than that.
I am the issue here, as in my head I think the names are too similar. I love the name and would be proud for DD to have it, although when my wife asks for reassurance on it, my enthusiasm comes across as disingenuous.
My wife can see my internal conflict and it probably doesn't help that I strongly favour another name my wife chose. I also fear I'm being unintentionally passive aggressive saying stuff like 'I love the name darling, if you want that name you choose that name.
I also suggested a subtle change to the name e.g. Emma to Gemma, but to my wife these names are worlds apart (and I agree).
I can also relate to her feelings because there is one boys name I have loved above all others for longer than we've been together (8+years). At first my wife didn't like it, but I never wavered from my love, and gradually over time she learned to love this boys name. If we ever have a DS I would be heartbroken not to get my first choice.
It's sad to think my own feelings on this matter are putting doubts in my wife's mind which may prevent her from choosing her absolute favourite name.
AIBU projecting my baby name concerns onto wife? How do I put these feelings aside and back her 100%?
P.S. My dad, FIL and close friend have the same name and they manage alright at family get togethers.
It would be helpful to know what the two names are...
but probably regardless of that I think you should go with the name. You and your wife both like the name. Does it really matter that these cousins will have a similar name? My hunch is that it doesn't.
If it was two different spellings of the same name (ie Aimee and Amy) then it might be a bit confusing when family members are talking about one or other of the children but if the names sound different (like your examples of Emma and Emmi) I think its absolutely fine!
If I was your wife, I'd be using the name I'd loved for years. The fact that another family member has the same or a similar name would be irrelevant. I also wouldn't care whether my SIL would be "okay" with my using the same/similar name or not. It's no one else's business what a parent names their child.
We have family members with the same name and it's never been an issue.
Agree would be helpful to know the names because from your example I don't think something like Emma and Emmi are a problem - they're two different names.
What are your reservations? Is it because you're worried of what others will say? If that is the case you need to work on being confident in your own choices and not caring what other people think of it, it's none of their business.
If you genuinely don't like or have issues with the name and the fact that it's too similar, that's a bit more difficult and you probably shouldn't agree to it and should go with second choice.
What are the names?
I wanted to avoid anything too similar to cousins' names (e.g. Leo & Theo) so I don't think YABU, but if you and your wife both really like the name, I think you should still use it.
Having said that I always think names should be a joint decision if possible. It's not really fair for one person to insist on a name they've had their heart set on for years (maybe even before the couple met) if their partner doesn't like it. Equally so for your wife choosing a girl's name and you choosing a boy's name. It takes two to make a baby, boy or girl, and both should get a say in naming it.
" I also fear I'm being unintentionally passive aggressive saying stuff like 'I love the name darling, if you want that name you choose that name."
Stop doing that. It's immature, annoying and counterproductive.
If you actually prefer another name on the shortlist, say so FFS.
But don't be a hypocrite and insist on the boy's name you want in future. Be open minded to other names that you and your wife like equally.
I think use it. DD will 'take over' the name in your head after a little while I'm sure.
I've a cousin, probably about 6 years older than me, with the same name as me. I know it never bothered me, don't know if it bothered her or her parents.
Maybe an odd thing, when we were together I was referred to as 'little Pete' and she was 'big Pete'. That's the only thing I can think of that might have possibly bothered her but I doubt it. It was actually ironic because she was (and still is) tall and slim whereas I was four feet tall and three feet wide!
Don't think it matters that it's a similar name to the cousin but maybe you could have it as a middle name and choose another first name if your wife agrees
Use it. The little cousins will probably find it funny (i know my dsis and i do with our first cousin namesakes).
No one owns a name. Plus is your dc going to have your surname? Seems a bit unfair to have the final veto on both.
So your wife really wants this name, and your sister won't mind?
If you know that the problem is yours, and that you're being passive aggressive...why don't you just stop it? It's not that difficult, surely?
My daughter has cousins called Emma and Emily, and has a name herself that is very similar to one of her aunties (think Emma and Gemma, although it's not that). It's never caused a problem for us!
It's completely irrelevant that your dad, FIL and friend have the same name as they aren't relations.
The baby should have the name your wife loves.
Assuming the pet form of Emma and Emmi is 'Em', they risk being known as tall/short Em, or fat/thin Em, because people always attribute physical characteristics to differentiate. It' a risk you take.
FWIW I don't hold wit this 'wife names baby because you give your family name' malarkey either. Totally disingenuous debating point.
My husband and I agreed early on for a name for my 2nd child but just before she was born a friend used it for her daughter- we then picked something else but I've always regretted it and in the end hardly see that friend anyway as we moved away. Go with the name you both love and it really won't be an issue in the end when your baby is here
My mum still harps on about my cousin having the same middle name as me, not sure she would have coped if they had used the same first name. I'm more relaxed and think you should name the child using your wife's suggestion. If it's very similar maybe you could give your DC a nickname to use when visiting the family.
I'm inclined to say let your wife have the final say on this in these specific circumstances.
However, generally the advice would be to both agree and both get vetoes if you really don't want a particular name. I also agree the whole 'your surname, wife chooses the first name' thing is ridiculous and shouldn't be a factor in this decision.
You should both agree. Boy or girl not just wife or you have the final say.
Me and dh went through names for both ours until we found one we loved equally.xx
I know cousins called Ellie and Elliot, and jack and jake. There are zero issues and each child "fits" their name and you never consider any other child other than the one you are talking too.
I think you should go with the top pick name if you both love it.
I think you both have the right to veto names you don't like until you agree on one.
However, if you both like this particular name I don't think it matters that it's similar to a cousins.
If you both love the name, use it. Your dd will grow into it and you will focus on her and not on the similarity to her cousin.
If they are different names it will be fine. So Elle and Ellie, Ann and Anna etc are similar but different and would cause no-one any issue.
I rather think once you have watched your wife go through the birth of your child you will be happy to let her use any name she wants!
You should choose a name you both love and can agree on. However if you veto the name she loves (directly or passive aggressively) be prepared for her to (possibly) veto the name you love next time. That seems fair to me
You both love the name and that's what matters so go for it. It's a different name anyway, different origin and meaning. I wouldn't dwell too much on them sounding similar.
I would have been if my DH even intimated he was considering if we'd have his sister's approval of any of our DCs names.
I think it depends on what the names are to be honest.
Emma and Emmi I wouldn't worry too much about as they have different end sounds
Emilia vs Amelia
Emily vs Emilie
Eva/Aoife (look nothing alike on paper but to say out loud they are alike)
Isabelle vs Isabella *and I know different end sounds but the Isa part is what gets the most pronunciation
I would not do as it is so close.
On the other hand
Charlotte vs Lottie
I would all do as they are IMO different enough to not be to much of a issue.
Lastly My cousin has a son who is named the same as our other cousin. His 2nd son is named the same as a 3rd cousins son.. it hasnt caused a great deal of problems. You just ask " your James or Janes Jame?" if you are unsure.
Would you consider using it as a MN?
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