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AIBU to say what's on my mind?

(9 Posts)
SuddenRealisation Fri 17-Mar-17 09:23:54

Honestly whenever I point out anything to h that he's done that I'm slightly miffed about the same routine always happens!
He'll say I'm having a go at him again, ask if I'm finished having a go, basically over react. Then he'll point out something I've done and most times if I carry on making my point will issue some sort of petty punishment..
like for instance if I say there's something he was supposed to do that he didn't he'll say I can just do it all the time then.
This morning I mentioned he hadn't filled in dc's homework diary for a month (even though he said he would as he's mostly there for bedtimes when I'm at work) and that even though we have very little money (which he always goes on about) he used what petrol we had to drive to his gf's (we're separating)..
Apparently two things is too many to mention. It's like we only get on if I just keep quiet about anything that I'm not happy about.
He was all 'what's going on? Why you suddenly having a go at me?' And I just said 'I'm not, I'm just pointing out a few things and you're overreacting, as usual!'.
I said you moan and groan when I spend money on food for the family, which is stuff we need! Always make me feel like anything I spend is too much (it's not) But you can just use the precious little petrol we have for yourself. Only worry about money when it's me spending it it seems 😠

I know as we are separating I won't have to deal with this as much in the future, but I just want to know if this is normal. It has always happened throughout our entire relationship. His reactions to me pointing out things I'm unhappy about always seem to be about shutting me up as soon as possible.
If we are having a full blown argument he will often accuse me of interrupting him when I haven't, shouting when I'm not and generally try to cut me short of what I'm trying to say so I can't finish my point.
He'll say I'm 'going on and on and to just leave it now' when I'm not 'going on and on, I'm just trying to get my point across.
Communication is hard and we only seem to be able to discuss anything important over text message as that's the only way I can fully express myself without being cut off.

Shoxfordian Fri 17-Mar-17 11:05:45

Doesn't sound normal to me; he just seems to want to shut down your concerns whenever you say something he doesn't like

Just as well you're separating; feel sorry for the new girlfriend

araiwa Fri 17-Mar-17 11:10:22

would you like someone always moaning and complaining?

regardless of being right or not, people who do this quickly become very tiresome and its no surprise he gets defensive and fights back.

Lovewineandchocs Fri 17-Mar-17 11:24:03

araiwa the OP says that her H always moans and complains at her about spending money. It appears that he can dish it out but not take it.

OP are you separating soon? Is he moving out? If there is a time limit on his behaviour you might find it easier to deal with.

BirdPerson Fri 17-Mar-17 11:34:25

My OH always does the 'why you having a go' thing when I point something out he hasn't done. And then will have to bring up an occasion when I didn't do it (e.g. 'You've been at home all day, why haven't you done the washing up?' 'Well you didn't do it three Sundays ago')

I chalk it up to an inability to take criticism - he is very insecure and therefore tries to deflect anything he perceives as an attack. I think it's something to do with how he was brought up (idolised by his parents, never said/did anything wrong)

It's gotten better over the last 3 years or so but it was tough when we first moved in together. To him, washing up/cleaning/tidying is not a priority therefore not worth arguing over. But I wouldn't stop bringing this things up, OP, seems like your H is hoping that if he gives you a hard enough time about it you'll just give up and deal with it.

SuddenRealisation Fri 17-Mar-17 12:25:26

Where did I say I moan all the time? I don't, if anything I hold back on some things I'm unhappy about as it never goes well when I bring things up.
I often find myself rehearsing how to say things before I say them too, so as to annoy him as little as possible.
When I try just being me, and saying things exactly as I think them, without filtering them first, we end up having a row.
We are separating as soon as I get a council house, which could take a while.
He can get angry quickly but this has improved over the years due to me threatening to leave numerous times.
He has never once sought help for anger issues though, despite repeatedly promising to.

ThePiglet59 Fri 17-Mar-17 13:19:50

Why do you care if you're splitting up?
Are you going to follow him down the street on his way to his GF carrying his bags, moaning at him?
Let it go.

SuddenRealisation Fri 17-Mar-17 14:16:23

Thepiglet- wow, that was harsh.
I care because I may have to put up with it for many months more.
I care because I don't want to repeat this dynamic in another relationship.
I care because I don't want my dc thinking this is normal.
I care because I want to know that I am normal for finding this unacceptable.

SuddenRealisation Sat 18-Mar-17 22:39:31


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