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To think dd doesn't want me

(30 Posts)
esmaesmomma Fri 17-Mar-17 07:44:32

I have a 9 almost 10 month old dd. Since day one I have done about 80% of what needs doing for her as her father works ft. I play with her, talk to her and sing to her. I cuddle with her every day but just lately it doesn't seem to be me that she wants.

If my dp picks her up and then passes her to me she will cry her eyes out and reach out for him. We went to my little cousins birthday party last night (5-7) there wasn't too many people there my dp arrived a little later as he was with my dad. Dd was all for me wanted me to sit and play with her and wouldn't let me leave her side when dp showed up it was a different story she actually even cried if I came anywhere near her and dp. It feels so horrible I find myself feeling a bit jealous and sad which I know is just me being stupid. Me and dp have a good relationship and he does help when he isn't working he keeps trying to reassure me saying it's because dd hasn't been too well with a cold recently but if anything I would of thought that would make her want me more. It's not like I have recently starting going to work or leaving her on a regular basis I am a sahm.

Anyone else had this happen to them? What did you do?

I don't want to make it a competition and I am really glad she loves her daddy so much but I just wish she would still want me too.

ButtercupChain Fri 17-Mar-17 07:47:15

Are you depressed/PND maybe? Feeling anxious, unwell, stressed??? Baby will pick up on this, and if that is the case, it may be why she is reaching for daddy... It won't last and you (and she) will be fine. Don't worry. smile

BounceBounceSplishSplash Fri 17-Mar-17 07:49:23

Is this a recent thing with her or has she always been like this? Maybe it's because she sees you all day and misses her dad when he's at work so is pleased to see him when he isn't?

I don't have any answers but I know it must be hard!

KateDaniels2 Fri 17-Mar-17 07:49:24

Most kids go throught this stage. One parent is flavour of the month, then the other.

Its natural to feel like you do.

My advice is to enjoy the breakm because before you know the baby will be clinging to and you won't get a break. You will long for the baby to eant her dad for a bit. flowers

solittletime Fri 17-Mar-17 07:50:33

It's completely normal! I have dds, they have all done this. Now older one is going in to preteens the tables have turned and she prefers going out and talking to me. My friend warned nebit would be like that and it has turned out as she said. Now waiting for teenage stage when she will hate me and orib be a daddy's girl again ( if friends predictions are to be believed).it is maddening and also puts pressure on the working parent sometimes. But please don't take it personally.
It got even worse when dd was toddler and I had dd2, she really hated me for a while.
She's a complete mummy's girl now.
Try to enjoy the handover when dh is around to give yourself some space!

esmaesmomma Fri 17-Mar-17 07:52:23

No PND and I feel fine not ill or anything other then picking up dds cold.

I know it should pass but in the mean time I just feel like some spare part she's fine with me when her dad isn't around but as soon as he walks through the door she will push me away and force herself out of my arms to go to him which is kind of cute for him but feels rotten for me.

When we are out and with most other people she prefers me and will each out for me instead expect when we are with her grandad (my dad) she wants to be with him.

I don't know I guess I am just being a bit sensitive to it it's the first time my dd has shown me any kind of rejection so it's hard to take. She still lets me do everything for her like feed her and put her to her even if my dp is here so maybe all is not lost!

ElspethFlashman Fri 17-Mar-17 07:56:09

They all go through this stage and it's horrendous. I remember people saying to me "It's just a phase, it swings back around" but it didn't help much at the time as I was still getting rejected several times a day.

But maybe it sunk in a bit as I became more accepting in time. And gradually it changed. By 2.5 I had a little shadow who just wanted to stroke my cheek all the time and it was LOVELY. My reward for my patience!

esmaesmomma Fri 17-Mar-17 07:56:32

Thanks everyone I know you're all right. It is lovely to see her with her daddy and a couple times I have just gone and had a bath or a shower but I couldn't help but feel I was sulking a little bit which I know is majorly childish!

Il just keep trying with her plenty of talking and singing and I guess just ride out the storm!

Trifleorbust Fri 17-Mar-17 07:58:46

Definitely a phase. They tend to cycle back and forth between preferring one carer and then the other.

esmaesmomma Fri 17-Mar-17 07:58:55

It's a relief to know it's totally normal! I was thinking she really hated me!

My best friends 3 year old really favours her dad but up until 6 months Ago she was all about her mum. My friend just laughs it off but I know deep down it hurt her.

MrsDustyBusty Fri 17-Mar-17 08:02:11

Mine is 21 months and she's had phases of wanting Daddy and phases where only Mammy will do. I decided early on to see Daddy phases as my time and I let them get on with it while I do what I want for a bit. When she runs to Daddy, I have an unsupervised wee, a cup of hot tea, a walk, an uninterrupted read.

Hoppinggreen Fri 17-Mar-17 08:03:53

My DD did this and I bloody loved it.
It meant that I got weekends off as DD just wanted Daddy. DS went through a similar phase once and I had a lovely holiday chilling out reading a book by the pool once as he just wanted Daddy
Both of them love me lots though

badabeedabom Fri 17-Mar-17 08:06:26

It's really painful.

Mine were all about Daddy as babies/toddlers. Now they fight over who gets me to take them to the classroom, and the other gets Daddy as second prize (poor DH!). I'm sure it will swing around again in time. But I know how much it hurts!

tinypop4 Fri 17-Mar-17 08:08:10

aw op don't be sad about this - it's totally normal. My DD was all over me as a baby, and then when DH walked through the door she'd fly to him and cry if I looked at her!!! She's 4 now, and she still thinks daddy is the bees knees, as does DS who is 20 months! Enjoy it, have some time to yourself, be glad she's not too clingy to you and you can get a break. She LOVES you to pieces, when the chips are down (cuts and scrapes, ill, overtired) they often come back to mum!!

esmaesmomma Fri 17-Mar-17 08:08:52

Not to drip feed this but her dad is a lot softer then me. As in when she makes one slight noise in bed he will run up and scoop her out of bed and start playing with her whereas I won't do that. I worked too hard on her routine she goes to bed from 7pm until 7am and has done since she was about 6 months old she's a brilliant sleeper.

We both spend a lot of time on the floor playing with her and we play together as a 3 when we can of course everything he does is hilarious! But we do also encourage her to play independently as well which she does rather well for her age I think.

She never really has to miss me I am always there I only go out once a month to bingo with my friend and that's when she is pretty much ready to go bed and I am home by her last feed if I go out during the day 9 times out of 10 she comes with me.

WeiAnMeokEo Fri 17-Mar-17 08:12:39

Aw man, I was a STATE last week because of this! You have my full empathy! It'seems really hard to see theveryone bigger picture when they are rejecting you in the moment, but as my husband said, try to remember how much love she shows you the vast majority of the time, and that she's just so secure with you now that she knows she can push you away and you'll still be there to come back to (he's a psychotherapist working with kids and parents so he should know grin)

esmaesmomma Fri 17-Mar-17 08:15:53

That's a lovely way to think of it! Your husband sounds like a wise man!

LilacSpatula Fri 17-Mar-17 08:17:41

I'm definitely going to try and remember this so it's not too much of a shock. At the moment I'm the only one who can make DD laugh and it's also reminded me not to rub that in DH's face.

wonderingsoul Fri 17-Mar-17 08:21:12

I was going to say the same as wei. Its because she knows youll allways be there.

I put the same thought of mind when my boys. ( 11 and 8) are rude to me, they wouldnt dream of saying or lashing out at another adult but they feel safe and secure and know ill allways love them so they feel safe to lash out at me and tell ne they hate me or im the worst person alive. Hurts like hell but they say sorry and i know they dont mean it.

Yura Fri 17-Mar-17 08:29:15

If it helps, a friend is a stay at home dad and has been since the oldest was 12 weeks. they have exactly thd opposite scenario - once mum walks through the door, dad is not wwnted anymore by the yoonge one (1 year old). the same was the case with tge older one (4), but has now turbed around. its about availability and novelty, and definitely a phase!

silkpyjamasallday Fri 17-Mar-17 08:30:42

My DD does this! It's hard not to take it badly, I am at home with her all day everyday, and she could fuss all day with me and be pretty cranky - the minute her dad walks through the door she is all smiles and giggles for the rest of the evening! Try not to take it to heart, I always take the opportunity for some me time now when she wants her daddy. Occasionally it's the opposite and she only wants me, but this is generally when she is desperate for a nap. She seems to have a preference for men in general though, much less fussy when being held by her grandfathers and uncles than female family members!

Applebite Fri 17-Mar-17 08:33:43

I have it the other way round, OP. I work and DP stays at home with DC - and if I come home and she's tired and grumpy, she only wants him. I pick her up when she cries and she sobs Dadadadada. It really adds to the working mum guilt!!

I just keep remembering that it's just a phase, that she loves me, and make sure I don't show it - I'm just fun and show her I'm totally focussed on her.

In your case I suspect it's because you do such a brilliant job that you have made her so secure that she just assumes you're there! So your DP is the novelty, but you're her bedrock.

A tenner says she's a total mummy's girl in the next few months. Until then, try and enjoy a little bit of child free time - if she wants her dad for a bit, that gives you a window for a nice bath or wine !

Deathraystare Fri 17-Mar-17 08:35:16

I remember my neice and nephew would only want mum and then another time only dad would do. Do NOT take it personally. As others have said, enjoy the peace when it is not your turn to be the bee's knees!!!

Crumbs1 Fri 17-Mar-17 08:37:07

You can actually take the credit for her special relationship with her father. Babies need to attach - evolutionary essential. If they do that well the next step is to broaden their horizons and start trusting (wanting) others too. Sometimes Grandma, sometimes daddy. Daddy arrives to play, to gurgle, to tell the child how beautiful they are whereas mummy is so trusted, so ever present the baby excepts them to always be there and can shrug their shoulders or complain if they think they're about to miss out on the newly arrived exciting parent by being handed back to mother. It will pass, you relationships with your children are different but equally important. Children understand this, even if adults sometimes don't.

mummytime Fri 17-Mar-17 08:38:53

My advice for behaviour that you struggle with is to think: Will she still do this when she is 18?

And the answer is NO, in fact she'll probably only just be getting over of being totally embarrassed that she has any parents.

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