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Middle name for new baby may upset MIL...

(86 Posts)
Coughandsplutter Thu 16-Mar-17 23:09:06

We are expecting number two soon and if we have a girl we would like to use my mum's first name and it's middle name. This may annoy MIL. How would you play this and AIBU for really wanting to do this? It'd mean a lot to me, my mum and also was my grandmother's name. Unfortunately MIL'S name is not something I like so won't be using it.

sonyaya Thu 16-Mar-17 23:13:22

It's your and your DP's decision. She has no right to be upset about it.

MadMags Thu 16-Mar-17 23:14:39

My dc are named for both my parents.

I don't give a shit what mil thinks but we are no contact so not sure I'd be as nonchalant if I liked her...

BackforGood Thu 16-Mar-17 23:15:39

Why would it upset your MiL ?

One of my dc has my FiL's name as a middle name - I just rather like the name. My parents weren't in any way upset by it. Why on earth should they be ?

The best thing to do with new baby names, IMVHO, is to not discuss the name with anyone other than your partner, until the baby is there, and then just tell everyone what the name is / names are. Once the baby is there and named, people feel a LOT less inclined to comment than if you are talking about it before the birth, which people tend to take as an invitation for their opinion.

Coughandsplutter Thu 16-Mar-17 23:24:59

Thanks for your replies. We've not shared middle names so think we'll just state it as a fact. I agree she shouldn't be bothered but I know her and she'll feel her nose has been put out and she's not important..... Blah blah

5foot5 Thu 16-Mar-17 23:34:56

Does DC 1 have any family names on either side?

It's just I can kind of see why she might feel a little slighted.

What would be your DMs reaction if you named number 2 after MIL?

Coughandsplutter Thu 16-Mar-17 23:39:43

Number 1 has hubby's name as middle name. I asked my mum and she said she wouldn't be bothered as long as me and baby are ok.

SuperBeagle Thu 16-Mar-17 23:42:54

Not your MIL's baby, so by default she gets no say and no right to be pissed.

That's been my attitude to naming all four of mine. I intentionally chose not to use any family names, which made things a lot easier (I have two family names and I'm not keen on it - being one of several X's is boring and unoriginal, not to mention the fact that I share a name with someone I despise).

Catrina1234 Thu 16-Mar-17 23:44:46

Do you mean you are using your mom's first name (and then you say and it's middle name?) Do you mean using your mom's first and middle name. If so I think that is a bit unfair to be honest. It wouldn't bother me one bit (one of my dil's used her mom's 2nd name as their DD's second name) but I know some people get a bit sensitive - but your baby - your choice of names.

Coughandsplutter Thu 16-Mar-17 23:52:55

First name then my mum's first as baby's middle name.....

Italiangreyhound Thu 16-Mar-17 23:56:36

This is your baby, name them what you like.

I would suggest if you wish to be nice to your MIL you give her a heads up that you've chosen to use your mum's name as your dd's middle name, if you do have a girl.

If you have a boy have you got a middle name you like?

Our dd has my mum's middle name as her middle name. Our son has my FIL's first name as his middle name. Both kids have my husband's surname, which is also my surname and is, also, my FIL's and MIL's surname.

Italiangreyhound Thu 16-Mar-17 23:58:10

So the only immediate family member not named in our kids' names is my dear departed dad, whose first name is my sister's son's name!

NameChange30 Thu 16-Mar-17 23:58:43

Presumably the baby has your DH's and therefore MIL's surname? So they share a name already.

I always think that if children are given their father's surname they should have a middle name from the mother's side.

31weeksgone Fri 17-Mar-17 00:00:29

My daughter has my mum's name as one of her middle name and my grandma's as her other, and no names from MIL side. Couldn't care less if she was offended to be honest. Your baby, name her what you like!

Inertia Fri 17-Mar-17 00:02:00

Will the baby have your family name as a last name, or your husbands?

If the latter, then there's really no room for any of your husband's family to moan. Even if the baby has your last name, your MIL had the chance to name her own children. It's up to you what you call your own children.

Coughandsplutter Fri 17-Mar-17 00:04:08

Baby will have same surname as me, hubby and in laws.

NameChange30 Fri 17-Mar-17 00:05:21

Thought so. Middle name from your side then. I think using your mum's and grandmother's name would be lovely. MIL might be a bit annoyed but so what - don't let her spoil it for you.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Fri 17-Mar-17 00:15:08

My grandma was really upset that her name wasn't used for any of my children.

DD1: Name Mum's Name
DD2: Name MIL's Name
DS: Name 1, Name 2, Dad's Name

However, MIL and my paternal Granny share a name. Hence the confusion!

DH and I discussed naming protocol before DD1 was born and agreed that if we had two daughters we would use both of our mothers' names. As it happens, I don't especially like either Mum or MIL's names but I wanted to do something nice for them. Theoretically if we were ever to have another boy we'd use FIL's name as a middle name, and if we had another girl DGM would be really annoyed if we didn't use hers - but I really don't like hers! I would be more inclined to use my sister's name instead.

(Irrelevant, but DS has two non-family names because his first name is quite unusual and we were a bit worried he might want something more mainstream to use as an option in later life)

sycamore54321 Fri 17-Mar-17 00:15:38

Not necessarily honest but you could always hint that any future daughter (even if you don't plan any more) will have MIL's name as the middle. Simply say that you prefer each child to have just one middle and don't want to use both grannies' names at once? This may soothe ruffled feathers now.

I do think though that not using MIL's name because you don't like it (you don't mention your husband's opinion) comes across as a bit mean. Having honoured your own mother in this child's middle name, you should normally be open to balancing things a little somehow in the future. Middle names to honour someone are not primarily about your tastes and preferences, and most people half expect middle names to be horrific anyway. What is your relationship like with her? You sound quite dismissive of her feelings. While I don't think you should add her name to this daughter's name, I think she wouldn't be unreasonable in feeling a little hurt. Recognising this and finding ways to deal with it is more harmonious than simply ignoring her feelings and telling her she'll have to suck it up.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Coughandsplutter Fri 17-Mar-17 04:52:32

Thanks for your advice everyone. Our relationship is ok but she can be a pain in the bum. We've historically had issues but on the whole I do have lots of time for her. I just don't like her name. I don't wanna go into loads of detail here as I'll probably expose myself but the middle name is also name of a Dr involved in our fertility treatment. So to answer sycamore, there'll be no future babies to take her name!! I'm not a mean person at all. In fact very unselfish and I've bowed down to her whims and fancies in the past so for me this is important to stand my ground.

Skinnydecafflatte Fri 17-Mar-17 05:12:52

I wouldn't worry, your DS has your husband's name so that's a nod to 'her side'. Besides tell her you've named your DD in honour of your grandma then rather than your mum.

BoomBoomsCousin Fri 17-Mar-17 05:36:41

It's your choice what you call your child. But if you are intending naming a child after your DM because you think it would honour her, but definitely don't intend to use other grandparents' names even if there is future opportunity, to some extent your MIL would be correct in thinking you were favouring your DM. However - do your children have your MIL's surname? If they carry your DH's family name, you have an argument there for using your family's first names for your children as "balance".

berkshyre Fri 17-Mar-17 05:43:29

You don't tell anyone the name in advance. You announce it proudly when baby is born. You make no comment on not using MIL's name, just hold your head high and weather any sniffs or mutterings from her.

She'll have a grumble to people in private but that's okay, it's her prerogative to feel hurt, just let her get over it in her time and don't give an inch or explain yourself. If she says anything out loud to you, just say firmly, this is the name we chose, because we liked how it fit and we're happy with it. We're so glad you're her grandma, here have a cuddle of the cute baby.

Coughandsplutter Fri 17-Mar-17 05:57:57

Thanks all. The mere fact I'm posting shows I care. Child will have hubby's surname and first child has hubby's name as his middle name. Anyway, perhaps we'll have a boy and then that'll sort that out!!

SparklesandBangs Fri 17-Mar-17 05:59:25

We decided to not go with family names for our 2 DD but picked traditional English names that we liked (and never told anyone until after the birth)

My DM was happy with our choice and to be a DGM
MIL immediately claimed the names as from her family as she had relatives with those names (elderly or deceased and certainly none DH was aware of) we just smiled. I am sure if I look through my family tree there would be records of the names too.

Mind you she is also obsessed with who babies/children look like and I can't believe mine have got to adulthood without saying something.

My DB has 3 DC and the names are a jumbled up combination of both sides of the family, but there was no pressure from either side to do this.

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