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AIBU?

to not know how to forgive myself?(Trigger Warning!)

42 replies

BCGRMDP · 16/03/2017 23:08

My son is the product of my ex partner raping me, day in day out. Icdont know how I will ever get past the guilt, I need some help. I have an older dc who has been through hell too

OP posts:

Report

QueenInsomnia · 16/03/2017 23:12

Do you think perhaps yourself and your DC will benefit from some form of counselling? I haven't been in this position myself, so cannot offer you any kind of advice, but I'd say counselling would be a good start. Bumping for you, so hopefully someone will come along to advise you better

Morphene · 16/03/2017 23:23

What do you feel guilt regarding? Is it something you would expect someone else to feel guilt for, and would you forgive them? What is blocking you from forgiving yourself? Is it acknowledging the truth of what happened?

user1489189598 · 16/03/2017 23:42

I'm so glad he is your ex.

I hope it doesn't stop you loving your child.

Please ask your GP for counselling to help you explore your new world.

I'm glad you're not with dad any more, and hope you can move on.

BCGRMDP · 16/03/2017 23:49

They are only little, son is just a baby. His dad resented his existance so much that when I was 36 weeks he tried to kill me and baby.

I know I love my son, but I dont always feel like I do and he is the clone of his dad, they both are.

I have written a letter to take to the gp but I'm so frightened. I'm so frightened of so many things that I can never verbalise.

OP posts:

BCGRMDP · 16/03/2017 23:51

and the guilt is that I have bought two beautiful innocent babies into the world into this. I dont ever want them to know, especially son just how horrific things were surrounding his dad but what if he finds out?

OP posts:

Bonadrag1988 · 16/03/2017 23:53

You're frightened but you've come this far. You've even written a letter for your GP which is exactly what everyone says you should do. You are stronger than you think you are, and so much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. you are doing all the right things, even if you think you're not.

Flyinggeese · 16/03/2017 23:57

OP the letter sounds like a great start. . All the very best to you.

HeddaGarbled · 16/03/2017 23:58

Please try and get some professional help. You have been through such an ordeal, more than anyone should be expected to deal with. Of course you feel all sorts of mixed emotions about your son.

The letter to the GP is an excellent idea.

Have you looked here too? rapecrisis.org.uk

BCGRMDP · 17/03/2017 03:27

feel a bit on the edge of having a breakdown

OP posts:

orangeterry · 17/03/2017 03:29

Do they see their dad op??

Dragongirl10 · 17/03/2017 03:44

Oh Op l am so sorry, l can sense your fear and panic in your post.

You have been through such horrible things, things no woman should ever experience.

Firstly it is not your fault, none of it.He is fully responsible for his actions.

Secondly please change your thinking , at least something good came out of it, your beautiful boys.
They may resemble their father but they are NOT HIM and never will be , you will bring them up to be wonderful, kind human beings.

Please take the letter to your GP, get counselling and focus on making your state of mind a good one for your babies.A good counsellor will help you to navigate what and when to tell your sons as they grow, this is not for a long time yet if they are still small.

I assume you are NC with their father?

Lastly plan a wonderful future for your Dss and you, all that has happened is behind you. Work on finding peace with it and only focus on the future.

FringyFringe · 17/03/2017 04:01

I'm sorry I don't have much in the way of advice OP, I can't imagine how you must feel. I just wanted to say that I'm awake too and here to listen if you want to keep posting.

Writing a letter to your GP is a really good start. I hope you're able to get an appointment soon and get some help to work through these feelings.

You have nothing to feel guilty for, your ex has done unthinkable things to you and here you are bringing up your children. I'm sure you're doing a better job than you feel you are, be kind to yourself too

MarilynWhirlwindRocks · 17/03/2017 04:13

The Survivors' Trust Specifically deals with rape, sexual violence and abuse, and after-effects of.

Phone: 0808 801 0818 for friendly help.

Support/ advice/ info (and local groups) from people (both professionals and other survivors) who will understand what you've been through, and what impact it's still having on you and your DC.

I'm sorry you've experienced such trauma, and wish you the very best with moving towards a much happier future xx

ToFillingOrNotToFilling · 17/03/2017 05:00

OP, sorry to hear of your experience. I know every case is different, but I just wanted to tell you about a wonderful man I know, who was adopted because he was conceived through rape. Although he knows the circumstances of his adoption, he quite rightly talks of it without taking any of the shame. Why should he, an innocent, carry the burden of what someone else did? He's one of the nicest people you could ever know. He's a whole different person to his dad, and it's the same for your own son.

I can see how it could be hard to see the physical likeness in your son, but it doesn't mean he's the same person by any stretch of the imagination. He's half you, too, remember! Plus, like someone else said, you are bringing him up to be a wonderful, kind, human being.

I am sure that seeking help for yourself to get through this, will make all the difference to how you live this difficult situation out. It can't have been nice for my friend to find out he is (in his own words) the product of rape, but his pure, sweet soul, and his courageous and honourable outlook on it all really shines. He's a real salt-of-the-earth person, and others are all the better for knowing him.

This situation you experienced is history, which isn't meant to devaluate how awful it was for you, but it is meant to show how the future can be much brighter, and doesn't need to be tainted by this dark shadows over you and your dear son. Best of luck with your journey towards that freedom. I hope the story of my friend can give you hope that it's possible

BCGRMDP · 17/03/2017 07:23

i do have support in place with support workers etc its just i have had to talk so much about things i dont want to in order to protect my kids that it has dragged everything else up and i cant talk about it anymore.

OP posts:

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent · 17/03/2017 07:54

BCG,
Can I suggest you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your ex raped you and made you pregnant. He carries the guilt.

And his punishment will be that he never sees his son. He will never know that you bring up a loving child who is a credit to you and owes nothing to his father.

You are a woman. You have a strenght no man can match. You are stronger than you know. But right now you are very tired from working 24 hours a day on little sleep bringing up a baby.. There are countless conversations from mums dealing with just being a mum, tiredness and lack of sleep being way up the list. The situation regards your ex doesn't help, but as PP's said, your children have no need to feel guilt for the accident of their, now absent, father.

Good luck.

orangeterry · 17/03/2017 08:05

Joanne Hilton

ToFillingOrNotToFilling · 17/03/2017 10:25

and the guilt is that I have bought two beautiful innocent babies into the world into this.
That is not your guilt to carry, it is to your credit. You carried two beautiful children, loved them and m nurtured them, through very hard times. You deserve a medal, not beating yourself up over someone else's bad choices.

You sound like you could also have PND - you're at a higher risk because of your circumstances, would it help to discuss that when you take your letter to the GP (which by the way, is a really sensible idea).

I dont ever want them to know, especially son just how horrific things were surrounding his dad but what if he finds out?

If he finds out he will cope with it, just like you will. These are hard days for you having given birth. The better times are yet to come. Like I told you, a man I knew was adopted because his Dad raped his Mum, you'd have been forgiven for thinking the poor boy didn't stand a chance in life, but this fella is just gold. He's philosophical about it. He's grateful for life because he knows not everyone would have given him that chance. There's no reason your boys need to know, but if they do I'm sure they will be ok in the end. Once you're out of this tunnel you won't fear it the same because you'll know you'll all be ok. You've got each other, that's so important when dealing with life's knocks.

Morphene · 17/03/2017 13:47

Would you tell someone else in your position that they should feel guilty for bringing their children into the world?

I imagine it must be hard if they look like your ex. They won't look like him forever though. Part of the reason they do is that they are so young and you don't have much else to go on. Once they are older with their own unique-to-them features and personalities they won't seem similar to your ex at all.

Guilt, shame and depression are a toxic mix and you deserve so much more than being buried in any of them. I hope you can access the help and healing you need.

BCGRMDP · 17/03/2017 15:39

lots of food for thought thank you just wish it was as simple as flicking a switcg to turn these thoughts off

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Dragongirl10 · 17/03/2017 18:29

Op... itsnoteasy and Tofilling have very very wise words please consider printing them out and sticking them somewhere you can read them when you doubt yourself..

I agree with others you have done the hardest part, got rid of him and now have the best bits to look forward to, however bad you are feeling keep hold of that thought..it is true.

Your boys will grow into fantastic boy,s who you will be so proud of and you will be able to watch with pride every step of the way, teach them well and enjoy them.

You can let go of the past, please keep getting help..GP next, and be kind to yourself you deserve happiness.

Morphene · 17/03/2017 23:18

I found realising I wouldn't blame or hate others for the things I blamed and hated myself for was a useful stepping stone. It doesn't stop the feeling but at least gives you a bit of justification to challenge it.

What needs to happen longer term is that the feeling itself is indeed switched off. That is certainly not easy or quick, but it is a realistic goal for therapy.

I hope you can begin to access the help you need.

BCGRMDP · 18/03/2017 11:15

gp is booked for thursday. so overwhelmed by life and the prospect of doing this another 18 years as alone as I am makes me not want to do it all.

OP posts:

SugarMiceInTheRain · 18/03/2017 11:18

You have been through a horrendous time, and are doing brilliantly. Take it one step at a time, get the help you need and it will get easier.

PacificDogwod · 18/03/2017 11:23

I am a GP and sadly I have heard stories like yours more often than I care to remember - I am so sorry that your were raped by your ex-partner and that you are left carrying these feelings.

You are seeking help and that takes strength and courage, so hat off to you.
A letter to take to your dr's appointment is a really good idea - I hope you will have a good consultation with your GP.

Consider making contact with a rape survivors support organisation near you (just google 'rape survivor + your area') and/or Rape Crisis.

Please know that your ambivalent feelings towards your babies are so, so common and do NOT mean that you don't love them or that you are not a good mother.
You will not always feel as you are feeling just now; you are reaching out for help and support; you are a strong and positive person.

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