DH going out on anniversary of DM's death - AIBU?

[LaContessaDiPlump]

DH was going to stay in with me tomorrow (he usually goes out on Fri night) for 2 reasons:

1. I have got a new job
   
2. It's the anniversary of my mum's death (3 years).
   
   He has found out that his friend's wife's birthday do is tomorrow night and is pleading with me to find an emergency babysitter and go out with him. I refused, as I don't want to go dancing on the anniversary of my mother's death - we didn't get on that well but it still wouldn't feel right.
   
   DH is now upset with me for not wanting to go out with him (I did complain recently that he never asks me anywhere, tbf) and has said that there are only 365 days in the year so taking 1 for just mourning seems restrictive .
   
   I have told him (calmly) that he can go alone if he wants to - I refuse to ask him to stay with me. I don't want to be that person.
   
   AIBU to be a bit upset at his attitude though?

[Justmuddlingalong]

He was going to stay in because you have a new job?

[hideehigh]

On the anniversary of my nana's death my mum will break out the rum and we will have a dance, go for a nice dinner, play cards all night...etc. we celebrate her life rather than her death. Remembering your mum doesn't have to be a solemn affair.

[ambereeree]

He's an arse
Sorry about your mother.

[DaisyBlameless]

I'm sorry about your mum, but I think you're being a little U

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Just yes, we were going to get a takeaway to celebrate. Also because it's the anniversary I wanted to have company, so by coincidence the two fitted together.

I get that highdee, but I don't really feel like dancing. I say 'celebrate' for the job, but it would really be just having a takeaway and some wine - making a minor event out of a night in.

[gratedcheese]

3 years isn't very long. My mum died a few years ago and I still find her anniversary hard, I certainly wouldn't fancy going out only 3 years in. I would be quite upset with your DH if I were you yes.

[LuluJakey1]

Remember your mum during the day. Then go out and enjoy your life. Life is for the living. What is past help should be past grief.

It was three years since my mum died this year and the day passed me by. DH reminded me that night and I felt guilty for a few minutes. But I think about and miss my mum every day at some point and I know she would be happy that I am not miserable and moping and am living my life.

[gamerchick]

I'm torn tbh. In our family we don't tend to remember deaths or mark them. It's done.

However thinking of my husband, if it was important to him I would be around on that date.

I like the idea of celebrating their life.

[gratedcheese]

Francis I imagine this issue is that the OP was rather hoping that she didn't have to spell it out to her DH.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I'm just sad. He humphed off downstairs indicating that I was being unreasonable for not wanting to go out with him on the anniversary, at 1 day's notice. If I'd had a chance to get used to the idea then maybe it would have been different.

I reiterate; I've not asked him not to go. I'm upset that I am somehow the bad guy for not wanting to go out myself.

[Topseyt]

Neither of those seem like reason s not to go to me, but only you can make that decision.

I could understand it if he was buggering off and leaving you on your own, but he wants you to go with him.

Why not go, unless you don't like such occasions anyway? I don't think it is disrespectful to your Mum three years on.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I don't usually mope (I think). I would imagine that a small degree of mopery was permitted on key dates though.

[gratedcheese]

Everyone is different though, I don't feel like celebrating someone's life particularly when they are dead and you wish that they were still alive. I go to the grave and get together with other family members to be close with them.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Also we don't have anyone to babysit; well there is one person but I am not keen on her. He knows this.

[Foffyouwanker]

He Is being unreasonable,as he rightly said there are 365 days in the year. He can party on the other 364! Selfish git!

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Alas, no grave gratedcheese - ashes sprinkled in the sea, far away. No relatives nearby either.

He can go if he wants to. I don't want to go myself. I am upset at being made to feel like a bad person for stating this view.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

He usually goes out every Friday night without fail. I do not mind this at all.

[Patriciathestripper1]

Life is for the living.
Go and do some living with your Dh.
You don't need a special day to remember your mother, she will always be in your thoughts.

[Justmuddlingalong]

Do you generally have a problem with him going out, or is this a one off?

[Justmuddlingalong]

Ah, x post.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I do not want to go out and dance on the anniversary of her death. I would not feel comfortable doing so.

[ThePiglet59]

Do people do death anniversaries?
I find that a little odd.

[Marilynsbigsister]

Spot on Hideehi. Celebrate someone's life rather than mourn their death.
Would your mother really expect you to sit around being miserable. ? I know I wouldn't want my children to do that if and when I pop my clogs.

I have a friend who does this. It's all a bit strange and feels very contrived. A day for 'being miserable' when they weren't sad the day before or the day after.. feels very strange.

Ultimately it depends what you normally do. If you feel genuinely grief struck by your DMs death 3 yrs on (and there are plenty of people who do feel like this) then of course he is being unreasonable not to be with you.. but if you are just saying this because you feel you ought to be sad, then he isn't . Go out and celebrate your mums life.

[5foot5]

Sorry I think YABU. Do you intend to write off that day every year for ever or have you a time limit in mind? Is this what your Mum would have wanted or expected?

My Mum passed away about six months ago so we are just approaching the first Mothers day without her. My sisters and I plan to go out for a Sunday lunch together, it seems a good way to remember her.

I am not sure what I will do on the first anniversary. It will be poignant but I can't imagine putting my life on hold for a day and I certainly wouldn't expect DH to