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DH going out on anniversary of DM's death - AIBU?

(101 Posts)
LaContessaDiPlump Thu 16-Mar-17 21:35:23

DH was going to stay in with me tomorrow (he usually goes out on Fri night) for 2 reasons:
1) I have got a new job
2) It's the anniversary of my mum's death (3 years).

He has found out that his friend's wife's birthday do is tomorrow night and is pleading with me to find an emergency babysitter and go out with him. I refused, as I don't want to go dancing on the anniversary of my mother's death - we didn't get on that well but it still wouldn't feel right.

DH is now upset with me for not wanting to go out with him (I did complain recently that he never asks me anywhere, tbf) and has said that there are only 365 days in the year so taking 1 for just mourning seems restrictive hmm.

I have told him (calmly) that he can go alone if he wants to - I refuse to ask him to stay with me. I don't want to be that person.

AIBU to be a bit upset at his attitude though?

Justmuddlingalong Thu 16-Mar-17 21:38:13

He was going to stay in because you have a new job?

hideehigh Thu 16-Mar-17 21:38:38

On the anniversary of my nana's death my mum will break out the rum and we will have a dance, go for a nice dinner, play cards all night...etc. we celebrate her life rather than her death. Remembering your mum doesn't have to be a solemn

ambereeree Thu 16-Mar-17 21:39:16

He's an arse
Sorry about your mother. flowers

DaisyBlameless Thu 16-Mar-17 21:42:03

I'm sorry about your mum, but I think you're being a little U flowers

LaContessaDiPlump Thu 16-Mar-17 21:43:37

Just yes, we were going to get a takeaway to celebrate. Also because it's the anniversary I wanted to have company, so by coincidence the two fitted together.

I get that highdee, but I don't really feel like dancing. I say 'celebrate' for the job, but it would really be just having a takeaway and some wine - making a minor event out of a night in.

FrancisCrawford Thu 16-Mar-17 21:44:01

Sorry, but I don't really see what the issue is here.
You don't want to go out and you don't want your DH to go out and you don't want to ask him not to go out. it's all very convoluted.

Are you ok with him going out?
If it wasn't the anniversary of your mums death would you be ok?

gratedcheese Thu 16-Mar-17 21:44:34

3 years isn't very long. My mum died a few years ago and I still find her anniversary hard, I certainly wouldn't fancy going out only 3 years in. I would be quite upset with your DH if I were you yes.

LuluJakey1 Thu 16-Mar-17 21:44:45

Remember your mum during the day. Then go out and enjoy your life. Life is for the living. What is past help should be past grief.

It was three years since my mum died this year and the day passed me by. DH reminded me that night and I felt guilty for a few minutes. But I think about and miss my mum every day at some point and I know she would be happy that I am not miserable and moping and am living my life.

gamerchick Thu 16-Mar-17 21:45:09

I'm torn tbh. In our family we don't tend to remember deaths or mark them. It's done.

However thinking of my husband, if it was important to him I would be around on that date.

I like the idea of celebrating their life.

gratedcheese Thu 16-Mar-17 21:45:40

Francis I imagine this issue is that the OP was rather hoping that she didn't have to spell it out to her DH.

LaContessaDiPlump Thu 16-Mar-17 21:45:42

I'm just sad. He humphed off downstairs indicating that I was being unreasonable for not wanting to go out with him on the anniversary, at 1 day's notice. If I'd had a chance to get used to the idea then maybe it would have been different.

I reiterate; I've not asked him not to go. I'm upset that I am somehow the bad guy for not wanting to go out myself.

Topseyt Thu 16-Mar-17 21:46:44

Neither of those seem like reason s not to go to me, but only you can make that decision.

I could understand it if he was buggering off and leaving you on your own, but he wants you to go with him.

Why not go, unless you don't like such occasions anyway? I don't think it is disrespectful to your Mum three years on.

LaContessaDiPlump Thu 16-Mar-17 21:46:53

I don't usually mope (I think). I would imagine that a small degree of mopery was permitted on key dates though.

gratedcheese Thu 16-Mar-17 21:47:07

Everyone is different though, I don't feel like celebrating someone's life particularly when they are dead and you wish that they were still alive. I go to the grave and get together with other family members to be close with them.

LaContessaDiPlump Thu 16-Mar-17 21:47:37

Also we don't have anyone to babysit; well there is one person but I am not keen on her. He knows this.

Foffyouwanker Thu 16-Mar-17 21:48:33

He Is being unreasonable,as he rightly said there are 365 days in the year. He can party on the other 364! Selfish git!

LaContessaDiPlump Thu 16-Mar-17 21:49:12

Alas, no grave gratedcheese - ashes sprinkled in the sea, far away. No relatives nearby either.

He can go if he wants to. I don't want to go myself. I am upset at being made to feel like a bad person for stating this view.

LaContessaDiPlump Thu 16-Mar-17 21:50:22

He usually goes out every Friday night without fail. I do not mind this at all.

Patriciathestripper1 Thu 16-Mar-17 21:51:12

Life is for the living.
Go and do some living with your Dh.
You don't need a special day to remember your mother, she will always be in your thoughts.

Justmuddlingalong Thu 16-Mar-17 21:51:22

Do you generally have a problem with him going out, or is this a one off?

Justmuddlingalong Thu 16-Mar-17 21:51:52

Ah, x post.

LaContessaDiPlump Thu 16-Mar-17 21:53:28

I do not want to go out and dance on the anniversary of her death. I would not feel comfortable doing so.

ThePiglet59 Thu 16-Mar-17 21:54:09

Do people do death anniversaries?
I find that a little odd.

Marilynsbigsister Thu 16-Mar-17 21:55:06

Spot on Hideehi. Celebrate someone's life rather than mourn their death.
Would your mother really expect you to sit around being miserable. ? I know I wouldn't want my children to do that if and when I pop my clogs.

I have a friend who does this. It's all a bit strange and feels very contrived. A day for 'being miserable' when they weren't sad the day before or the day after.. feels very strange.

Ultimately it depends what you normally do. If you feel genuinely grief struck by your DMs death 3 yrs on (and there are plenty of people who do feel like this) then of course he is being unreasonable not to be with you.. but if you are just saying this because you feel you ought to be sad, then he isn't . Go out and celebrate your mums life.

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