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to have a private gender scan

(107 Posts)
TickingTimeBomb2017 Thu 16-Mar-17 13:24:25

I'd just like some hand-holding and empathy more than anything. (AIBU probably not best choice! ha).

I'm 16 weeks. This is my third child. I have a son and daughter already so the gender of this third child does not affect me personally. However this will be DP's second child. His first was a girl. His brother has three girls. So obviously, his side of the family are excited for the possibility of this baby being a boy. They keep asking when the scan is. I largely got pregnant for DP because he wanted another child whereas I was satisfied with my two (because I have one of each!) DP has made his preference for a boy clear but has also given the spiel that he would love it no matter what.

I'm petrified of the chance of this baby being another girl, because I fear that:

- his family will not be bothered about it.
- DP will be less enthusiastic and engage less with it.
- there will be pressure for me to keep getting pregnant (I'm struggling with this pregnancy).

Sorry to sound dramatic but I cry regularly with worry and even have nightmares. I'm very tempted to have a private gender scan now, and attend alone, but then what? How do I cope? I've got a history of depression & anxiety so my fears are amplified than they would be for the average person. The worry is effecting my daily life and my relationship. I don't want to deprive DP of a son but I've found this pregnancy mentally very challenging.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Thu 16-Mar-17 13:28:51

Personally I wouldn't have a scan. You would be giving him and his family the chance to be against your baby before it's even arrived - and giving you stress you don't need. When baby arrives safe and sound I doubt any of them will really care tbh!!
And if they do then that's their problem certainly not yours for producing the 'wrong' gender!!

araiwa Thu 16-Mar-17 13:29:47

jeez, what a mess

gender is random so not much you can do about it

relax and focus on other things

Screwinthetuna Thu 16-Mar-17 13:30:00

Well, there's just as good a chance that it is a boy and that your worries are for nothing.
You will both love it no matter what anyway and you make it make clear that this is your last child. Just tell him he has his grandsons to look forward to, if it is a girl!
Good luck flowers

pinkie1982 Thu 16-Mar-17 13:30:47

You just need to know either way, to put your mind at rest or come to terms with it (which they will - they don't have a choice).

My sister couldn't wait until 20 weeks and had a gender scan at 16 weeks (she has two older girls). It's personal preference. If you want to then go for it!

I would not attend alone though, think of how hurt your DP might feel.

maybeshesawomble Thu 16-Mar-17 13:33:41

whereas I was satisfied with my two (because I have one of each child)

hmm It sounds like you all need to prioritise and focus on happy, healthy babies not their gender.

mumofmunchkin Thu 16-Mar-17 13:33:50

Think through carefully what you would do with the information. If it's a boy then yes, you would breathe easy. But what would you do if you find out it's a girl?

I think you need to address this problem at source - with your dh. His 'preference' is bollocks, sorry, its a random event and totally unfair of him to be putting pressure on you by declaring a 'preference'.

However, he might not realise how this is affecting you. You really need to talk to him, describe what you've said in your op, about how the pressure to produce a boy is stressing and destroying this pregnancy for you, when it's something you have absolutely no control over.

MaidOfStars Thu 16-Mar-17 13:34:23

his family will not be bothered about it
They aren't worth your time, in this case.

DP will be less enthusiastic and engage less with it
I can't ever imagine thinking this about my husband. Anxiety talking? If his attitude is less than bowled-over-enthusiasm and complete engagement, I'll refer you to my answer above.

there will be pressure for me to keep getting pregnant
Resist. I'm a bit hmm that you consented to a pregnancy you didn't particularly want in order to fulfill, well, an order. If it comes to it, cite that you aren't mentally well enough to cope with another and reconsider whether your DP sees you as the love of his life and a person who can make their own choices or as breeding stock

pigsknickers Thu 16-Mar-17 13:34:42

This sounds really stressful for you, I'm so sorry. I don't have any practical advice, butjust wanted to point out how unfair it is for you to be carrying this burden. As I understand it, it's the sperm that determines the sex of the baby, so it is in no way your responsibility to provide a son, or your failure (not anyone's, but especially not yours!) if this baby is a girl. And under absolutely no circumstances should anyone be putting you under pressure to go through further pregnancies just because the wider family would like a boy. They're not the Tudors ffs! Your DP really needs to make it explicit to his family that he will love this child whatever the sex, and he expects the same from them. flowers

peachgreen Thu 16-Mar-17 13:37:00

As someone with anxiety, I would have a scan. Give you and your DP time to deal with whatever the news is together so you can present a united front to his family.

But whatever you do, please remember:
- The gender of your baby is random and there's nothing you can do about it - they can't be disappointed in you because you will have done nothing wrong either way.
- The most important thing is having a happy and healthy baby - if DP and his family don't agree, they are WRONG and you shouldn't even listen to them.
- If you are done having babies after this, you are done having babies. Don't have a baby to make someone else happy. It is your decision, nobody else's.

Friolero Thu 16-Mar-17 13:40:24

I was satisfied with my two (because I have one of each!)

Really?! How shallow. You wouldn't have been satisfied with, heaven forbid, two girls or two boys? hmm

TickingTimeBomb2017 Thu 16-Mar-17 13:41:28

there's just as good a chance that it is a boy and that your worries are for nothing.

You just need to know either way, to put your mind at rest or come to terms with it

THAT is exactly why I am drawn towards having the early scan.

hmm It sounds like you all need to prioritise and focus on happy, healthy babies not their gender.

That's just the kind of remark that attaches stigma to ladies that have gender disappointment, worsening their anguish. That is why many women keep it a secret. Very unhelpful.

However, he might not realise how this is affecting you.

He does. I've been open with him about my fears. He tells me I'm sick and that I should take it to a shrink.

RupertsMum2 Thu 16-Mar-17 13:44:43

I would have a private gender scan and take dh with you then you will both know what you are having and can get used to it before the baby arrives. I'm sure you will be less anxious once you know.

My first two were boys and I was desperate for had hoped that my third would be a girl. I found out, at a scan at 31 weeks, that I was having another boy. I was disappointed for appropriately 5 minutes before I started planning his wardrobe. I'm sure your dh and his family will be delighted with whatever you have.

MaidOfStars Thu 16-Mar-17 13:44:48

He tells me I'm sick and that I should take it to a shrink
This is terrible. How is the relationship in general?

RupertsMum2 Thu 16-Mar-17 13:45:41

X-posted with a dozen posters!

kel1493 Thu 16-Mar-17 13:47:21

It's natural, you can't change it either way. Surely as long as the child is healthy and well is all that should matter?
I admit I had a strong preference for a girl. I'd always known I'd never want to find out the sex until the birth, as I much prefer to wait and find out when the baby is born. We had a boy. When I held him in my arms for the first time, I realised that yes I wanted a girl more than a boy, but deep down, did it really matter? No. I had my baby and that was most important .

LagunaBubbles Thu 16-Mar-17 13:54:13

I largely got pregnant for DP because he wanted another child whereas I was satisfied with my two (because I have one of each!)

I know you say you are anxious but that statement is really quite offensive. Nothing wrong with saying you were happy just to have 2 children but to add in the "because I have one of each" is horrible.....So a family is not right and "satisfying" if the children are all the one gender eh? hmm

mollyminniemo Thu 16-Mar-17 14:01:59

If it were me, Id go either on my own, or with a close friend/my mum so you know and then can decide what do with the knowledge. If its a boy, then you could book another one so you and DP share the news together and know the pressure is off. If its a girl, you can have time to process this and decide how best to broach it. So so so sad that in a time where so many people would desperately love a healthy baby of either sex, a family (your DPs) could put so much emphasis, pressure and ridiculous demand on a particular sex. But I would also drive myself insane with the "what if's" and definitely just want to know.

ElizaDontlittle Thu 16-Mar-17 14:03:12

He tells me I'm sick and that I should take it to a shrink

You have way bigger problems than the sex of this baby!! I know when I am experiencing anxiety I can get all hung up on something fairly small , simply because I can't face seeing the big picture.
Its like worrying about a bee sting when you're being chased by a grizzly. But, OP I would really encourage you to turn round and face the grizzly, with help, if you need it, as I would and have done. Some things are really wrong in your relationship and a baby boy would be little more than a sticking plaster.

kimann Thu 16-Mar-17 14:06:57

What would you do if it was a girl?

AIBU about having a gender scan - not unreasonable if the reason was just to find out gender.

The problem here is with your husband. If he was that desperate for a specific gender then he should have paid for it privately in America (not something I agree with btw, I've just heard it can be done) but because he's gone down the natural route, like everyone else, you get a 50/50 chance.

Sorry OP - hope you get the outcome you want flowers good luck

ZombieApocalips Thu 16-Mar-17 14:07:11

Playing devil's advocate but maybe you should be hoping for another girl?
If your baby is a boy and your husband and in laws behave as suspected, you will be facing the problem of your daughters being treated as second class while their brother is treated like a king.

pigsknickers Thu 16-Mar-17 14:08:09

Hmm I'm feeling a teensy bit less sympathetic now - I know sex disappointment is a thing but I do sincerely believe that it's also something people just need to get over - at least in our culture where there is no shame or risk attached to women not being able to "produce" boys. I say this as a mum of two boys, and I do get very prickly when people express sympathy or assumed would have rather had a girl. Babies are what matter, not the sex, which is such a small part of who they are.

lubeybooby Thu 16-Mar-17 14:08:57

don't bother OP just talk loudly about how vile it is to be concerned with anything other than a healthy baby and safe arrival and you're sure none of them would think in such a disgusting way

TickingTimeBomb2017 Thu 16-Mar-17 14:11:32

Thanks to those who have shared empathy. A gender preference is common. Those pearl-clutchers who have a problem with it are projecting their own issues onto the thread. Case in point:

LagunaBubbles it's subjective, isn't it? I was talking about my personal experience and feeling of completeness. I think I made it clear I was talking about myself.

TickingTimeBomb2017 Thu 16-Mar-17 14:13:07

I've booked the scan for tomorrow. He's going to come with me.

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