To not want to tell MIL I'm pregnant :((89 Posts)
I am completely willing to be flamed but I need to vent, I feel like I'm going to explode!
I already have a DS (2)
I'm slowly approaching 12 weeks pregnant, and OH is very excited to finally tell people, me on the other hand want it to keep a secret for as long as possible because of MILs actions in my first pregnancy, she ruined my last weeks of being pregnant & the first few days of my DS1s life.
At 37 weeks with dc1 I was admitted to hospital for a week, she called my OH once (to ask for help with her laptop) and never asked about me or her grandchild once.
I was induced a week after this ( still in hospital from being poorly) and she would honestly call every few hours to find out what was happening, if there were any signs, and asking very personal questions (usually about my lady parts) on the second day my OH told her he would not be taking her calls anymore as it was becoming too much. So she somehow found the ward number and started calling the nurses for updates!
My friend then calls me to let me know MIL has been updating the world about my cervix etc via Facebook, very detailed embarrassing things, I'm sure her friends knew I was dilated before I did!
Anyways day 3, I have my DS late one night, and tell people that we will be home in the morning/afternoon & would not like visitors as I had not been home in over a week and want time to settle. Which surprising to us even she honors!
The next day she calls us several times from about 4:30am to see if she can come over, we get that she was excited but we were all trying to sleep & had our phones on silent, so they didn't wake the baby. We wake up to loads of messages from MIL, BIL, and some of her friends, worried for our life's as we have not been in contact :/ we spoke to her at 9pm the night before, it's barley been 12 hours!
Anyway we receive calls from the ward and midwives saying MIL has also been phoning them.
We arrange a time for her to come round, and she does not turn up? A few hours later she arrives, but brings BIL, which is fine. She also has 2 of her friends, her friends mum, and daughter, none of which I've ever met? Is this a normal thing? The daughter was also full of cold! She apologizes for being late but says she had to wait for her friends mum as she had to get her hair done for the occasion.
I asked to take my baby back to feed him upstairs, and she tells me that I need to do it in front of everyone so they can see if I'm doing it right, at this point I remember just breaking down, I was so tired and sore, hadn't slept at all in over a week, all I wanted was to be alone with my OH and baby, but instead was made to host and make food and tea because they were hungry.
I felt like a zoo attraction, but with even less dignity, as the main subject of talk was my body.
(Before OH gets flamed, I wanted to make tea/food to be away from them all, and he did make them all leave very shortly after this)
Anyway this happens again the next few days, but she just brings other people, even when we asked her not too
I've just realized how long this is, sorry! I'm just feeling sorry for myself today, I know it could be much worse.
Yanbu. Would advise not telling her anything until a week after delivery
She's a cunt.
And the contents of your uterus is no one's business but yours. You don't need to tell anyone.
And you don't have to answer your front door.
Hang a heavy curtain in front of it so you can close it an forget it's even there. Disable your doorbell and add some extra locks. Incorporate it as part of 'nesting'.
I wouldn't tell her either. And when the time comes to being home after the delivery- don't ask her not to come over. Just tell her no, then don't open the door if she turns up! Your OH should be firmer too, it shouldn't fall on you to do it and feel like rubbish.
Whenever you decide to tell her I would be very very vague about your due date. Gives you scope for a week or two of peace after the birth!
She sounds a bloody nightmare. .
I completely see why you would not want to tell her. I think you and your husband need to talk about this and make it VERY clear that her previous behaviour was completely unacceptable and that there will be no repeat of this.
What is she like with you and your son now?
Don't tell her until you have had the baby next time (or a few days later) she sounds overpowering
Well YADNBU, obviously she'll find out eventually but I'd be getting your DH to tell her that due to her inappropriate behaviour last time round there will be NO visitors this time. You can visit them when you're good and ready a few weeks after the birth. I'd also give her a due date of a few weeks after your actual due date and strict instructions to your DH that no-one is to receive any info or updates until you are home and rested.
Do not tell her any personal details and ensure your DH knows this too.
Also, when you go to your next Midwife appointment ask them to write in capital letters that no information is too me given out about you to anyone. They really shouldn't have anyway but unfortunately some relatives are very persuading and HCP always worry about complaints.
When you go to hospital, again reiterate about the importance of privacy.
I had to with my mum as I knew what she was like.
You need to tell her as late as possible and then spell out groundrules.
Tell hosp and midwives to tell her to stop ringing and i would refuse to allow her in your home at all after baby is born .
Meet her somewhere neutral when you are ready and i would severely cut back on any contact.
I wouldnt want her near my kids tbh .
Congratulations by the way x
Ask your dh to wait two weeks and then lie about your due date? Tell her at 14 weeks that you are 12 weeks?
God that's awful. It's not about telling her about your pregnancy, it's about her behaviour when the baby's born. You need to tell her that her behaviour last time was awful and she won't be allowed to visit for a minimum of a week and not to bring anyone with her. I have an awful MIL but some of the mils on MN are vile!
Yy to all the above, then consider emigrating and not telling her which continent.
On the plus side, at least you know what you're dealing with. Sounds like DH was trying but it's difficult when you don't see it coming. This time around you know what to expect and you can plan what you want and your responses.
Above all, don't tell her anything personal and make sure DH doesn't either. Practise non-committal, vague responses so they just roll of the tongue.
I find this all very odd. That a hospital ward in the U.K will be updating an unknown person via telephone about the cervix status of a patient in their care including details of how dilated said patient is? I don't know any ward that's even got the capacity for this.
Jesus that is absolutely awful OP. I think I'd be as anxious as you are, and tempted to limit contact to be honest. I fear I would have refused entry to the one with the cold and not been as nice and patient as you were!
Tell your OH he has to wait because of last time (and sorry, but he didn't manage it appropriately).
Also warn the hospital about her and tell them to ignore her calls and tell her to get lost.
My MIL did a number of things that made me uncomfortable the first time, some of which I struggle to forgive. I told my DH to make sure they didn't happen the second time and, in fairness, they didn't. I was also a LOT more assertive about making sure any new things were nipped in the bud sharpish.
Just tell her like you would anybody else.
The issue is your H needs to be much more proactive in setting boundaries and telling her what is and isn't acceptable. IMO it should come from him because he is her son and therefore it's really for him to deal with.
I'm shocked that she turned up to see your new baby with total strangers - let alone that one of them was full of germs . She's lucky you/your DH didn't tell her to fuck off then.
With people like her you have to be blunt to the point of rudeness for the message to get through - but then sometimes it still doesn't. So for future reference - it's your baby - you don't ask to have your baby back, you tell her to give your baby back as you are feeding him, then you go wherever the fuck you want to. I know it's hard to confront fuckwits sometimes, but at least this time you are prepared and can rehearse the way you deal with her in your head a bit.
Spell it out to her loud and clear and if she doesn't like it, she can just not bother at all.
I am angry on your behalf btw
For starters the midwives etc had NO BUSINESS telling her ANYTHING so next appointment with your community midwife raise this issue.
Wait until at least 14 weeks and tell her you're only 12.
You and dh need to be MUCH firmer with her and any friends (strangers to you that tag along - who the fuck turns up unannounced to a new mother they DON'T KNOW'S home?!)
When you (meaning you and dh) do tell her - also say
'You DO NOT behave like last time. NO stream of pestering phone calls, NO calling maternity ward, NO pestering once we're home, NO bringing complete bloody strangers to OUR HOME, any breach of these conditions and you won't be getting to see grandchild until it STOPS'
There's no law saying you have to answer the phone or door. There's also no law saying you have to let strangers in your home!
I'd have said something like 'hello mil, bil. 'Friends' sorry there's been a clear misunderstanding we DID tell mil family only at this point.'
Wtf are people on they think this is ok???
Well unless you never see her you will have to tell her.
Tell her when you tell other family. When you get to about 30 weeks, talk to her about how you felt last time and ask for her support to enable you to manage this time. Remember you may need her to look after your first child while in labour.
Tell her what you would like her to do, and not do so it is all very clear. You catch more flies with honey etc.
Good luck with your baby!
Everything in your OP points to her being a vain and self centred woman who has no respect for your privacy or boundaries. All of her behaviour was about basking in reflected glory - making it all about her.
Did you or OH ever confront her about this?
Could your OH say to her, once you decide to tell her, that she invaded your privacy and didn't respect both of your boundaries last time, and things will be different this time?
I would definitely wait a while before telling her. How involved in your lives is she?
Yanbu at all, I would be giving her very little information. Contents of uterus wtaf!! Is that what they call a baby now then!
We had excited grandparents rather than nightmare ones, but things that helped (which we didn't need to use but had ready if needed) were:
- Changing our voicemail/answerphone to say mum and baby are doing well and DH will be coordinating visits from x date and to contact him to arrange.
- We'd also say that we'd try to return calls but might not be able to due to the new baby. Covers you for not ringing back. DH would text updates to parents if he couldn't ring them, just to let them know everyone was well.
- We also decided to only have visitors in the mornings where possible, so we had time together in the afternoons. We would go out in the afternoons if we felt family would just turn up, just for a drive or walk around the park, if I was up for it. Otherwise we planned to disconnect the bell, turn off phones and ignore the door.
- DH and I were on the same page about me having our DD back to feed. He would ask for her back from whoever had her and take her off them if necessary. All with a big smile but being firm.
- We had a code word (which we use in other family circumstances) that means we need to get away from everyone. We both know that the other one needs some breathing space, so we suggest a fresh air trip etc.
We didn't need to use any of these, but it was reassuring to have talked about what we wanted and to have a plan. It helped then when grandparents got over excited to reign them in a bit because DH knew what our goal was. We were also able to talk about it before DD was born, in plenty of time.
Congratulations and good luck.
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