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To put conditions on dh quitting his job

(59 Posts)
Aria2015 Wed 15-Mar-17 23:09:43

My dh has been doing a certain job for a
few years and he loathes it. He started to dislike it early on and over time he's just got more and more down about it. His depression and stress is now affecting our marriage and family life as he can't seem to enjoy anything anymore. He says his hate for his job consumes his every thought.

Nothing I say is right and he won't seek help from a doctor. Just recently he has started to apply for jobs, two so far but although he did well (getting to a second interview) he didn't get them.

In desperation I have agreed that he can quit his job without having another job to go to. This makes me feel quite sick as it's such a huge risk but at this stage I feel like his mental health is in jeopardy.

It seems like since I agreed to this a bit of a weight has lifted for him. I suppose he can see a light at the end of the tunnel which is good.

While I have agreed to it I want to put conditions on the arrangement. I was thinking things like getting him to sign up with recruitment agencies before he quits and then once he has quit, dedicating a minimum amount of time per day / week to looking for work. I don't want to overwhelm him but we couldn't pay all our bills on just my salary and we have limited savings. AIBU to put conditions to him doing this? Or should I just step back and hope he just sorts it all out himself and not put any pressure on?

britbat23 Wed 15-Mar-17 23:11:25

He's an adult, you can't put "conditions" on him doing anything.

At least Google "coercive control" first.

AlmostAJillSandwich Wed 15-Mar-17 23:12:41

If it is how you describe he'd have a very good chance of getting signed off on the sick by his doctor for a good few weeks if not longer with stress. Full pay, and could look for work with a little more breathing room. Would require going to the doctors though.

cestlavielife Wed 15-Mar-17 23:13:46

Your condition should be he sees the gp.
And addresses his depression stress etc
Better he sees gp takes time off work sick works out with therapy if it is the job or is his depression.
Exp resigned work similarly but his MH just got worse.

MyKingdomForBrie Wed 15-Mar-17 23:14:39

Surely he can be trusted to know he has a certain time limit on finding work before you run out of money?! If not I'd be worried in general about his abilities as a responsible adult.

I'd say you could talk through with him his intentions and make helpful suggestions about finding work but I agree that setting 'conditions' is controlling and I'd be pissed off of my husband decided to treat me like a child in this way.

MsJolly Wed 15-Mar-17 23:14:51

He may be an adult able to make his own decisions but he is also part of a team with you and does have responsibilities to support like paying bills which you can't meet if he doesn't have paid employment

So yes, I would go with conditions

antimatter Wed 15-Mar-17 23:15:04

I don't know what industry he is in but in IT you just apply to jobs via several online search engines.
This is an equivalent to "register with a recruitment agency".

I'd say if he got 2 lots of interviews he is on his way to secure job fairly soon.
He can improve on his CV anyway if that hasn't been done.

Looking for a job can be a full time job in itself - the more time he spends on it the more likely he is to get the right job in the end.

I am sure giving in notice will improve his wellbeing.

Aria2015 Wed 15-Mar-17 23:16:16

By conditions I suppose I mean, make it clear that I want him to be proactive in his approach. I'm scared that because he is depressed he won't be motivated enough to look for anything properly.

He absolutely, categorically will not see a doctor. I have literally begged him. I know that is the best thing to do but I know my husband and he will not budge on this front so sadly that just isn't an option.

MsJolly Wed 15-Mar-17 23:17:05

Sorry hit post instead of return button

Conditions would include seeing GP to sort his MH out and sitting down and talking through his thoughts of what he wants to do from here

TweedAddict Wed 15-Mar-17 23:17:47

Could he go off sick while looking for a new job?

BackforGood Wed 15-Mar-17 23:18:07

I think you would be absolutely right to have conversations about all the "what ifs" before he gives up an income that your family rely on.

I think this is more about the terminology. In theory britbat is right, YWBU to "put conditions on", but when it comes to the parcticalities, the two of you need to have considered how the bills will get paid.
If he prepared to do different things in order to bring in money? Are you (all, in your family) prepared to curb all but entirely necessary spending for however long it takes? What are your feelings towards getting in to debt? (as a couple) Are you able to increase your earnings in some way? Are you (as a family) able to sell things or bring in money in some other way for a while? How long before you would have to make more major decisions like selling your car or even your house?

I'm sure there are lots more, but yes, whereas his mental health is important, and I totally agree you should not stay in a job that makes you ill, I also think you should try to be realistic about what will happen if you just stop working.

cestlavielife Wed 15-Mar-17 23:21:25

But if he is clinically depressed and won't see a doctor then leaving work won't cure him
He needs professional medical help.
You can't cure depression just by resigning.
But who has diagnosed him with depression? You or him ?
Get him to gp
If he has real clinical depression it isn't going to go away without help. Drag him to gp they can go thru the questionnaire etc and diagnose and offer help.
Otherwise you have someone with no job no income and worsening mental health.

Aria2015 Wed 15-Mar-17 23:21:43

I agree getting signed off is the best option but it's not an option, he flat out refuses.

I am more than prepared to go without things if money gets tight, his wellbeing means more than anything. I would be loathed to get into any kind of debt though, we've always both worked so hard to avoid it. Hopefully it won't come to that.

It's just a scary place to be. I know it's right for him but I always feel a bit queasy when the future is so uncertain!

AyeAmarok Wed 15-Mar-17 23:25:34

I think "conditions" to avoid you running out of money and being unable to pay your bills are wholly unnecessary for a responsible adult.

If you think it's depression that will stop him looking, then you putting conditions on him about applying for jobs won't make him do it as it won't be enough to motivate him out of his depression. It doesn't work that way.

He probably needs to speak to a GP and a therapist to get better coping measures in the meantime.

cestlavielife Wed 15-Mar-17 23:27:45

You have to make him ultimatum to go to gp .
He has to take responsibility for his mental health.
Tell him.
He has to go to gp. Stand firm.

Do you have dc?

Peppapig Wed 15-Mar-17 23:28:58

Almostajillsandwich Full pay whilst off sick? Not in most jobs!

cestlavielife Wed 15-Mar-17 23:32:35

Why do you think leaving the job will cure his depression ?

unfortunateevents Wed 15-Mar-17 23:35:52

If he hates his job, why on earth is he not already signed up with agencies and dedicating time each week to his CV and job applications? If he isn't already doing that and motivated by the thought of getting out of a job he hates, I don't see that he is going to take seriously any conditions you might try to impose if he leaves?

PyongyangKipperbang Wed 15-Mar-17 23:46:08

I wonder if he is blaming the job for how he feels, given that he has hated it for so long but only just started to do anything about it.

For me a condition would be, see the doctor and get signed off and use that time to look for something else, then if nothing else comes up agree on reassessing at the end of the sign off period.

He has to take responsibility and flat out refusing to see a doctor but expecting you to pull up all the slack financially is not acceptable.

PyongyangKipperbang Wed 15-Mar-17 23:47:01

That is blaming the job when the issue is depression.

GoodnightSeattle Thu 16-Mar-17 00:30:14

Wtf, why won't he see a doctor?

He has a medical condition - it won't just be the job, that was just the trigger. He won't get better unless he addresses it properly. If I were you I'd be seriously concerned at his refusal to put you and your family first by looking after himself properly.

Aria2015 Thu 16-Mar-17 00:35:02

No one has diagnosed him with depression but he's displaying some signs for sure. He is short tempered (usually very laid back), he's not eating right (eating junk), he's not sleeping well, he spends his evenings just watching tv and I swear I can see a black cloud actually looming over his head - his whole demeanour has changed.

He's never in all the years I've known him be like this. I do think the job is the root cause, he says that getting out the job would make him happy again.

We have 1 dc who is 19 mo. This should be the happiest time of our lives, we have our health, a beautiful child, a home and of course each other but this awful job is just causing him so much angst and stress.

I know people keep saying make him go to the go but how can I actually make him? Surely it's impossible if he's dead set against it?

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 16-Mar-17 00:39:41

I would say that your compromise is him leaving his job but that his compromise must be to see the doctor. Its a small thing, a tiny thing, and he can do that for you then you will support him in giving up his job.

If you frame as a fair exchange and that if the doctor says that there is no problems other than the job then you will accept that. Oh and I would say that you should both go.

TwentyCups Thu 16-Mar-17 00:42:36

With such a young child could your DP be a SAHP for a while? You may be able to claim tax credits if he is - you're not expected to look for work until the youngest child turns 4 (I think) so there shouldn't be benefit penalties for quitting a job.

AlmostAJillSandwich Thu 16-Mar-17 00:49:02

My ex refused to go to the doctors when he was becoming very depressed and anxious (possibly job related, maintainence in a secure unit/school for sexually abused kids, it really affected him) he ended up attempting suicide.
You may end up having to choose between your relationship and stability for your child, would the threat of losing his family be a push to make him visit a gp? You can always visit the gp and tell them yourself what state your husband is in. They won't section him unless he is risking his own or someone elses safety, but knowing the gp knows might make him more receptive to help.

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