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AIBU to think I can kick "D"H into touch?

(71 Posts)
PrimeMinistersQuestionables Wed 15-Mar-17 18:33:45

eeeveening grin

Long story short, DH is turning into a bit of a knob, and I've been letting it happen.
He's always been stroppy, but previously I'd just tell him to sort himself out, and leave him to it. (He'd soon pep up and skulk back with an apology and it was easy and very rare).
Recently however he's become a bit of a bellend. (I probably haven't helped as I've been pandering to him etc.) But I've realised he stops talking to me for Really mundane things. (He doesn't really work, doing a few hours a week at an organic farm shop, so isn't under much stress and I work in mental health, so can find it stressful fitting everything in.)
He threw a wobbly in M&S the other week, and didn't speak to me for 24 hours because I was running through my "to do list" out loud and it was "stressing him out"(potentially in guilt as I'm busier than him, and maybe he feels lazy?) , leading him to tell me to "fuck off" because I was "really pissing him off"
There have been a few occasions where I've felt small and degraded, and sometimes really nervous, like I've really had to watch myself with DH, almost like I'm trying to second guess him, which is a massive PITA, because anything can set him off, (and I mean anything, me doing the dishes, me not doing the dishes, me not letting him drive MY car, me not feeling hungry at the same time as him, me wanting a glass of wine, the list goes on) hmm he's starting to make me think he's a little unhinged grin

I would like to point out, It's more often than not absolutely fine and normal, that he's not a twat all the time and that our relationship on the whole is as it has always been. But I'm concerned that this is the begining of a slippery slope. And recently we have have seen a few mumsnetters living their whole lives like this and becoming shadows of their former selves.

So AIBU to think that after being a massive tired submissive weakling for the past eighteen months I can kick this twat into touch, or am I at risk of thinking I can change him and getting stuck forever!

THANKS.

Vegansnake Wed 15-Mar-17 18:35:51

No,in my opinion they don't change.why waste yr time trying.it either works or it dosnt.

Gallavich Wed 15-Mar-17 18:37:01

Well you've got yourself an emotional abuser so no, you can't get him to change. It's a no hoper.

Trainspotting1984 Wed 15-Mar-17 18:38:29

Do you want to stay in the relationship? That's all that matters really

GloGirl Wed 15-Mar-17 18:39:12

He does sound unhinged and really miserable. Wouldn't want to spend my days planning around someone else's unpredictable moods.

Yes some of it could be worked on but I'd let that be someone else's problem.

mumonashoestring Wed 15-Mar-17 18:40:29

If he keeps returning to this kind of shitty behaviour why would you think it's anything but his natural state? You can do so much better.

HebeBadb Wed 15-Mar-17 18:40:54

eeek, no you can't kick him to touch, and even if you could, let's suppose you had sufficient power to induce him to change, would you be happy knowing that it was his first choice to be a dickhead and subject you to silences? Even you successfully co-erced him in to being a bit nicer to you, would that be the level of respect you deserve? Or would you deserve somebody who was happy to be nice to you? happy to chat to you? happy to fall out occasionally over a shopping list but not to punish you for your alleged crimes?

1stDinkyDecker Wed 15-Mar-17 18:40:56

I think you can and should kick him into touch

Sounds far too much like hard work to me

littleblackno Wed 15-Mar-17 18:41:47

I would think that as hes slipped into this pattern of behaviour you could work with him to get him out of it.
You need to talk to him honestly about what he's doing and how it's making you feel.

pinkyredrose Wed 15-Mar-17 18:42:48

Did he realised he's acting like a wanker? Why doesn't he work and why didn't he go alone for M n S shopping seeing as you work full time?

gamerchick Wed 15-Mar-17 18:43:46

Sounds like his world is very small. A proper job should fix that.

In the meantime no way would I be tiptoeing around him. Many fuck offs would leave my mouth before the sulking started.

AnyFucker Wed 15-Mar-17 18:46:00

I don't know. You tell us. It's you thst has to live with this tool. You can end a relationship for any reason ypu like, but this seems a particulsrly valid one.

BeccaAnn Wed 15-Mar-17 18:53:52

maybe get him to DR.s for depression? if not then maybe he needs more direction, can more hours at work help?

if all else fails tell him to shut the fuck up and if he doesn't like you doing things then that's just tough. you're not going to stop doing things you love because he's a dick. he can leave or change his tune and stay.

(but first check the MH side of things)

PollytheDolly Wed 15-Mar-17 18:57:02

I'd give it go in giving him a good kick up the arse. It can work but you've got to be bloody assertive and not back down ever and he's got to know it as well.

But it's not a given you must try this. Up to you. flowers

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 15-Mar-17 19:01:40

"He doesn't really work, doing a few hours a week at an organic farm shop, so isn't under much stress and I work in mental health, so can find it stressful fitting everything in."
How is the division of labour in your household? How does how much leisure time you each have compare? Why does he 'not really work'?

pilates Wed 15-Mar-17 19:02:14

Op, why is he only working a couple of hours a week?

honeylulu Wed 15-Mar-17 19:08:48

How long have you been together? Was there a long period of time when he wasn't being a nob? If not then this situation is beyond hope - its his normal state.

Why doesn't he work? Is he depressed? Do you financially support him?

Squirmy65ghyg Wed 15-Mar-17 19:12:15

Your tone is so light hearted that I suspect you're in denial. Sounds horrendous OP. He's emotionally abusive, they don't change.

Emmageddon Wed 15-Mar-17 19:16:27

Kick him into touch, things are only going to get worse, and when the bad times far outweigh the good, it's time to let him go.

Is there a reason why he doesn't really work?

Bloomed Wed 15-Mar-17 19:18:20

I wouldn't be grinning about any of this. It's no way to live. Good luck OP.

EmzDisco Wed 15-Mar-17 19:18:56

Couldn't be dealing with someone who wouldn't talk to me for 24 hours, let alone for such a ridiculous reason. That must ruin whole days sometimes?

And yes, you can get rid of him for any reason you like. Or indeed no reason at all. Good use of the word bellend, though it sounds like he is taking things beyond that quite frankly.

eddielizzard Wed 15-Mar-17 19:23:46

doesn't sound like a balanced relationship. eggshells is no good.

i guess you can try and knock him into shape. and it might even work for a bit...

Ginkypig Wed 15-Mar-17 19:25:41

You say he's not being a twat I want you to think honestly if that correlates to when he has decided you have done nothing to piss him off (so your doing as your told/he wants)

You can't change or control what someone else does or their behaviour only your own.

He is not being a productive or even nice partner so your options are....

Stay but accept that this is as good as it gets but the reality is over the years it will get worse and worse or

End things because your worth more than being treated like crap and your love for him is not more important than your love for yourself!

MrsTwix Wed 15-Mar-17 19:26:49

Is he depressed? If so will he do something about it?

PacificDogwod Wed 15-Mar-17 19:29:33

You cannot change his behaviour.

You can change your response to his behaviour.

One day I shall have this embroidered in cross-stitch hanging in my surgery.

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