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to feel frustrated with my OH

(25 Posts)
impatientmrs Wed 15-Mar-17 18:06:28

We moved into our house three years ago.
when we moved in we said we could have our first child here and planned to stay in the house for about 5 years.
I'm now pushing for a child but OH feels we're not ready, I'd also like to move but no it's not been 5 years then I say okay how about a holiday.
Oh yeah, we're saving for a house. I'm feeling fed up we have good jobs but it seems I'm not having any benefits from it. We're like ships in the night so we don't spend money going out together and I just want to scream. pretty sure i'm being a spoilt brat

DoingThisRight Wed 15-Mar-17 18:09:39

It sounds like he gets the final say about everything. How long have you been together?

amberdillyduck Wed 15-Mar-17 18:10:29

How old are you?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Wed 15-Mar-17 18:12:00

Sounds like he is power tripping by changing the goal posts.
Does he make you feel your opinions /requests ever matter?

impatientmrs Wed 15-Mar-17 18:13:58

IF age is relevant 25
We're been together 9 years married for 1
Generally I'd say my OH comes round to my way of thinking on most things but on these most recent issues not so much.

RedastheRose Wed 15-Mar-17 18:16:31

It does sound like he is calling all the shots here. Why does he get the final say about everything. If you had a plan what has changed? I am very wary of this sort of control now as my ex has always dictated everything to do with our lives including when we had child, how many, where we lived, it was all controlled and dictated by him.

impatientmrs Wed 15-Mar-17 18:16:35

i've made my other half sound like a bit of a prat.
He's not and generally my opionons are the ones that matter. I think he's a bit of a commitment phobe though. The thought of children terrify him where as I could have had children years ago. I just don't know how to reassure him.
We both want to move we've agreed that and we both want to stay in our next house for 15 + years, however I think we can do that now and he doesn't and in 18 months we might be able to. I was thinking in 18 months we'd have a child.

AuntieStella Wed 15-Mar-17 18:28:03

Both prospective parents should be up for the idea of having a baby. And both can change their mind. You need to talk to him about this - why has he changed his mind, what is he thinking now?

You also need to think (perhaps before you have the conversation with him) what might be a deal breaker for you on this. And beware of the snare that he'll dangle a (fake) future with DC to sidestep really sorting things out now. So also think about your time limits.

The house is less personal IYSWIM, and sticking to an arbitrary 5 years because of a plan from 3 years ago just seems silly. But you say you're saving up. Can you actually afford to move earlier?

He's being an arse about a holiday.

impatientmrs Wed 15-Mar-17 18:40:02

I think i'm perpetual impatient

We have a holiday booked for June

I feel like we could move now and if we're not moving i'd like to go on another holiday December or Feb (Based on other commitments meaning other dates wouldn't be feasible)
We did a budget exercise based on affording a holiday in august ( that holiday isn't happening due to work commitments) but basically that budget exercise has made me think we can move earlier than originally anticipated.

With regards to children. He says he's never changed his mind and he always wanted to be around 30 for first child (He's 27). I on the other hand feel like he's dangled the carrot infront of my face because on the run up to our wedding we discussed having children within 3 years. It's not helped by everyone in my world asking when we're having children and i just want to yell I'd have had them yesterday.
OH did say he'd like genetic counselling due to himself having a 'deformity' that is slightly genetically linked (It's a mild deformity and has plenty of other non-genetic factors) I spoke to the GP about arranging genetic counselling and they were happy to do this but OH got cold feet stating he'd feel fraudulent because we're not ttc atm

We've both always been over practical etc bit not i just feel he's ridiculous. he knows this but then says he'd rather not discuss it and put a sour note on our evening

AuntieStella Wed 15-Mar-17 18:48:39

"but OH got cold feet stating he'd feel fraudulent because we're not ttc atm"

OK, we're in red flag territory now as this is blatantly making excuses. Of course genetic counselling is carried out before TTC. As the results don't change, so it doesn't matter how short or how long a time after the results you start. The only way it would be a waste of time is if you are sure you are nit going to be a parent.

impatientmrs Wed 15-Mar-17 18:53:00

that was my point exactly 'AuntieStella'
I said it would be better to have everything laid out as a fact then when we were ttc we'd already know.
I've already gone through the risks and the research with him anyway as my job allows me alot of information on such issues.
We have no family or friends that are in our current situation first of the bunch to be married tbh possibly the only ones out of the bunch to ever be married / want kids which i think scares him a little.
He says he deffo does want kids just not yet and he'll tell me when he's ready.
I currently ahve the contraceptive implant which i'm happy to keep in until whener ttc may start although the side effects are getting annoying at OH said he will take over contraceptive responsibilities if I want him too

RandomMess Wed 15-Mar-17 18:54:24

The genetic thing is a huge red flag IMHO too.

That is the time to have it, way before TTC!!! He is telling you that he has no intention of TTC anytime soon at all...

FairytalesAreBullshit Wed 15-Mar-17 19:07:51

I would say if there's no reasons to ttc now, maybe his mates are saying when you have a baby you can kiss goodbye to nights out and doing things when you want. Pretty much common sense, but maybe he's scared how it will impact your lives, so wants to wait a bit longer.

I agree the genetic counselling is better done anytime before TTC, but I'm sure you've reassured him he has a good life with the problems, that's what really matters.

In a way we don't know your financial situation, but he could be thinking in terms of Brexit, what impact will that have on money etc. He could be worrying about work.

Just because figures show it's feasible now, he may be reluctant thinking I don't want to get in over our heads. I don't know if that makes sense.

But you have one issue really, which is if you move, you have a baby, go on maternity, will you still be able to live comfortably. That could be a reason to go for it whilst you're at this old house and money is easier, over having a bigger mortgage, more council tax.

Jazzywazzydodah Wed 15-Mar-17 19:18:47

He sounds like my dh.

He will let me have my way 99% of the time but if he doesn't want to do something or is not ready there is no budging him.

He hasn't changed his mind about kids - you have just moved the goal posts in a bit:

Why don't you go on a holiday with your friends?

MrsTwix Wed 15-Mar-17 19:24:10

Age is relevant. You are at a great age to have a first baby. I know lots of people have them later, but that doesn't mean it's always possible for everyone to get pregnant easily when they get older. Don't get me wrong, you don't have to panic about TTC right this minute, but be aware that you might not want to spend years waiting for him when he might never be ready.

impatientmrs Wed 15-Mar-17 19:49:39

We had a discussion a about number of children and desided that we'd have 2-3

twins run in my family so if we had twins first we'd proably stop there as once you've had one set of faternal twins risk of further twins increases
I'd like all my children prior to 35 as after that point twin risk increases and I couldn't imagine ttc #3 and ended up with 4 as you can see 4 isn't my number.

obviously if it happens it happens but lets get to #1 first

I know i shouldn't nag but it's hard when everyone in my life asks about baby's and I want baby's and OH wants baby's but not NOW

We've discussed issues of potential infertility my job makes me realise that advanced age isn't the only factor in infertility and i'm pessimistic by nature so i feel it would be sods law that we spent our teenage years trying not to get pregnant but then we'd struggle. OH is under the impression we'd get pregnant first time round and that's why he's not ready ttc as he's not ready this second

With regards to the genetic counselling i often feel OH is using it as an excuse he's already said if DC had same disability it wouldn't change anything in regards to TOP for abnormalities, but he'd just like to know risk factors. I'm not sure exactly how much it would help anyway due to multiple factors to his deformity. Genetically seeing as his deformity isn't part of a syndrome genetics alone the risk increases from 1% of the whole population to 8% in his case if purely caused by gene which is unlikely.

I'd stay in this house and have a child as stated by others once we move it would be harder to save for a child with having less of a disposable income to making maternity leave comfortable.

ONe of my main issues is to his family he says things like ooo we'll make you grandparents soon, when clearly he has no intention and he knows i want a baby and to me that's just mean

impatientmrs Wed 15-Mar-17 19:50:42

I apologise btw I'm venting frustrations not helped by the fact that OH is working away so I can't discuss things with him at present

Finola1step Wed 15-Mar-17 20:00:38

I think the big issue here is the mixed signals he's giving. It suggests that he doesn't know what the Jeff he wants. There is nothing wrong in him saying that he wants to wait until he is 30. It is the changing of the goalposts that is wrong.

FWIW I was 33 and 36 when I had my dc. Which was fine apart from one massive thing. Both my parents and in laws were older parents too. I didn't realise the consequence of this until my youngest had lost 2 grandparents before the age of 4. So yes, it was the right time for us to have dc but I do wonder if things had been easier if we had started 5 years earlier.

impatientmrs Wed 15-Mar-17 20:06:33

my parents were 35 when they had me
his parents 33

All my grandparents have passes 2 before i was born.
2 in the same week when i was 7

He just has his nan left who is in relatively good health considering her age and i do think it would be lovely ( as does he ) to give her a great grand child

with regards to our parents
mine have both just turned 60
his turn 60 in a year and a bit they are all, thankfully, in good health at present but i would like them to be major part of their grand childrens upbringing as would OH he just doesn't seem to factor in that atm we're extremely lucky and in 5 years we could be looking at a completely different park where are parents are concerned.

How do i bring up my concerns when all i get met with is an awkward silence. For me the big thing is kids which isn't at the top of his agenda right now but then neither does anything else appear to be

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 15-Mar-17 20:31:30

You should not pressure someone into having children. You can say "I'll wait until you are 30 and I am 28 but if you still are not ready I can't take the risk of waiting longer, hoping you change your mind. I will leave."

You started seeing him when you were 16. I must say I always find it surprising when people get together as children and are still compatible as adults. I changed a huge amount between 16 and 25.

If you've never dated or been single as an adult it must be hard to contemplate needing to end a relationship if things don't work out. I guess you've never done that.

TheWernethWife Wed 15-Mar-17 20:43:10

Awkward silence indeed, how very dare you to keep "nagging" him. Tell him to shit or get off the pot. You are young enough to start another relationship and have babies. He is just procrastinating, seeing as you previously discussed having children.

impatientmrs Wed 15-Mar-17 21:13:23

i've done alot of growing and changing between 16 and 25 and os had he.
We've done it together. I'm not scared of having a life without him if he decides he'd not want kids and at I have to say being in the dating game doesn't appeal to me from what I've heard of it. I've already made it very clear that it's a deal breaker for me.

ThePiglet59 Fri 17-Mar-17 17:14:53

I think that this man doesn't want babies, no matter what he says to you.
You will either end up with no kids, or you will cajole or trick him into having one and end up one of the many women on here complaining about a father who doesn't help enough, or has withdrawn from the relationship.
I would find another man if you want kis.

ThePiglet59 Fri 17-Mar-17 17:15:11

kids

FairytalesAreBullshit Sat 18-Mar-17 05:44:28

If you wait till your late 20's I think that's reasonable. Say you started at 29 as a compromise with possible issues, you could get help at a reasonable age.

What fertility concerns do you have to see if I can help?

I want to say if you are otherwise happy, although deal breakers, goal posts move. Marriage is about compromise, so see if you can compromise with him. Like can you look at houses now on Right Move for example to see what you fancy. Also I think someone said that with Brexit it isn't the best time to sell.

There's nothing to stop you surfing Right Move, if you find somewhere you like, say something like how about this in the future? Do you think something like this would come up again. When I'm bored I look at Right Move, mostly because I like old houses and like to be nosey.

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