Fuming at DD's unexpected visitor

[bloodyfuming9]

This is more of a wtf post than AIBU. Have name changed too.

This morning at about 7.20 I get out of bed and approach her bedroom door with no clothes on to ask 17 year old dd ( who is dressed) to answer the front door bell. As she comes out of her room, I glimpse a lad standing there! He also sees me in all my naked glory!

I'm so shocked, I say 'is there someone in your room?' to which she says 'No' although there is no doubt there is a person, so this is lie number 1. I retreat, still being naked, and tell her to get him out of the house immediately, which she does. It turns out that it's a lad she met last summer, that she had a flirtation with, and that she still talks to on Instagram etc. I'll call him Barney. He lives about 15 miles way, but is at college in our town. She tells me that he called by this morning having spent the night at a friends house nearby. I wasn't sure whether I believed this, but she assures me she was telling the truth. I don't really believe her. I have a shout at her for not telling me that there's someone in the house as it's not unusual for me to walk around with no clothes etc, although usually I get up after she's left the house to go to college.

Anyway, I now think he arrived at our house last night, as she closed the curtains at the back just before she went to bed at about 11pm, which she has never done. We live in a ground floor flat and there's a door from her bedroom into the garden which can be accessed from the side of the house. She never uses this door and tends to clutter up the entrance to it, but having just been into her room now, the access is clear, there's a few leaves inside, and the door is unlocked! What's more, the key isn't in the lock where it always is kept, as it's a fire exit, if ever needed. I'm now wondering if this is a regular occurrence and how long it's been going on, and whether he has the door key! We were away for a long weekend, and I'm even wondering if he was here while we were away!

I'm so upset that dd has been so devious and also lied to me. She's been a pretty trouble free teenager up to now, but this feels so disrespectful to me, and has also compromised the security of our home, by leaving the door unlocked today.

Any thoughts please on how best to handle this with her?

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

How do you want to go forward with it? What is your policy on boyfriends sleeping over? You need to have a talk about your rules. And you need to have a separate talk about household security and lying.

Our boyfriend rules are that we have to have met them and that we have to be asked if someone can sleep over and then pre warned if someone is sleeping over. Also have a rule that DDs must be on the pill for this to happen.

[Hannahbanana1725]

I think you're being a bit ridiculous. She's 17, what do you expect?😂 she clearly doesn't want to talk to you about it.
She probably knew you wouldn't have allowed him to stay, so no point asking you in the first place and decided to sneak him in. I used to do the same thing.
As long as she knows to use protection etc if she's having sex then what's the problem?
And what 17 year old wants to see their mum walking around the house naked?

[EverythingEverywhere1234]

Okay, if she were 14, I would 100% be on your (fuming) side, but she's 17. Yes, it's sneaky for her to have him in the house without you knowing but you clearly are making it quite hard for her to talk to you.
What would you have liked her to have done in an ideal situation? Prior to him staying over, would you have liked her to have asked you? Or would you have said no?

[ZilphasHatpin]

I think you're being a bit ridiculous. She's 17, what do you expect?😂 she clearly doesn't want to talk to you about it.

It's really not ridiculous to expect to know who is in your own house!

[shovetheholly]

I'm afraid this is EXACTLY the sort of thing I would have done at 17!!

I think it's time to have a reasonable chat, not Mum to daughter, but woman to woman. Let her have her boyfriend over - she's easily old enough to decide she's ready to have sex. Make sure she's taking sensible precautions about pregnancy and that she understands the emotional consequences could be hard. Treat her respectfully, like a grown up who can make her own decisions and you're likely to be rewarded with her restored confidence and trust.

And get a nightie

[Astoria7974]

She's 17. She should be able to have boys over in her home as long as she okays it with you first. It's not right that you were completely unprepared for this

[weeblueberry]

While, yes, I'd have hoped she'd have asked you I would be making more of a point about the unlocked door than her having someone in her room. I get being embarrassed about her bloke seeing you in the nud but that's just something you'll probably laugh about one day.

If she's a pretty trouble free teen I'd be struggling to get overly upset about this I think.

[FlyingElbows]

I wouldn't have let her show him out, I'd have turfed him out myself. Then I'd have roasted her alive for her disrespect. Boyfriends staying over is not an issue for me but there must be ground rules and they must be respected. I'm quite a liberal mother but woe betide my children if they cross the respect line.

[EdmundCleverClogs]

I'm putting aside the whole knocking on your teens door totally naked bit. I know some families are 'like that', but quite honestly how difficult is it to put a robe on?

YABU about the rest of it. She's 17 for goodness sake, it was bound to happen eventually. Perhaps ask for a nice new dressing gown as an apology and in future tell her it's a house rule to inform you of any guests. Yanbu about security worries, leaving a door unlocked is irresponsible. If it happens again I'd be locking the door and taking the key for a week or so, he can come through the front and introduce himself properly.

[Mamia15]

I would have been fuming - having a stranger in my house is a no no.

She should have told you and not lied. Its about respect, good manners as well as security.

I wouldn't be too concerned about the sex aspect and would have a talk about contraception etc.

[MadMags]

I'd be annoyed at not knowing who was in my house overnight so she'd be getting a bollocking for that alone.

Then there's the safety issue. What's she doing letting someone she had a "brief flirtation" into her home?? Unless I'm getting my wires crossed and she's had an ongoing relationship with him?

Finally: get a bathrobe. Yes, I know it's your home and you're not ashamed of the human body blah blah but really! Regardless of anything else, do you really need to wake your teen up with full frontal in the mornings??

[HazelBite]

Get real OP what were you like at 17?
Did your Mum embarrass you by wandering around naked?
She is 17 and at college, it is also your home ie yours and hers, why does she not feel comfortable to mention friends staying over.
Do you have strict house rules about this that she is aware of?
You need to have a clear and meaningful discussion with her about this if not purely from the security aspect.
Oh and get a bath robe/wrap!

[User006point5]

As the mum of teenagers, I would have been livid. But as She's been a pretty trouble free teenager up to now I think this will be one of those stories you'll laugh about in years to come... hopefully...

[P1nkP0ppy]

I'd be furious to put it mildly, just wtf is she thinking? A total stranger to you, sneaked into the house and topped up with bare-faced lies.
I'm with flyingelbows on this.

[joannegrady90]

You need to stop knocking on your DDS bedroom door,naked. In your bedroom yes of course.

I feel sorry for her, the sight of her mother starkers 😂.

And she is 17, so maybe relax.

[pointstaken]

Bloody hell, I am at least twice her age, married with kids, but would still not sneak a man in my parents house! It's not acceptable, and shows a total lack of respect.

I too would have dragged him out myself. Hopefully it would have embarrassed her enough to prevent her from doing that again. It's not about a 17 year old having a relationship. It's time to sit her down and have a discussion on what is acceptable. I strongly believe in my house, my rules. Kids are free to move out if they want total freedom - which they won't have if they rent because it still won't be their home.

On a different note, I wouldn't walk around naked with my kids around. Respect goes both ways.

[P1nkP0ppy]

And before anyone asks, I have a DD and no, my DPs would never have tolerated this so no I didn't.

[bigTillyMint]

OP YANBU to want to know who is in your house overnight or at any time.

I think you need to have a chat with your DD about how you want her to let you know if she has someone staying over - sign on her door if you have already gone to bed? Amd perhaps a chat about protection?
And you need a dressing gown

[troodiedoo]

Your house, your rules on matter how old she is.

Please do put some clothes on though (I'm guilty of this myself but trying to remember to cover up)

[GladAllOver]

Agree that you should always know who is staying overnight in your own house, that's only common respect for the home. Of course your part of the deal is not to stop respectful visitors from staying overnight.

The unlocked door is of course unacceptable.

And what 17 year old wants to see their mum walking around the house naked? No problem in our family - for the last couple of generations at least.

[harleysmammy]

She should have told you he was there but get a grip, she's 17 not 12.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

If I were your 17 yr old DD, I'd be mortified still seeing my mother, naked, every morning (or however often you do show up at her door with nothing on).

I would calmly have a talk with her tonight and lay some ground rules.

1. the back door is to remain locked with the key in the lock and you will be checking this from now on, from a safety point of view
2. ANY guest (and this goes for you too) that is staying over, must be introduced to the other party
3. ANY guest that is welcome in the house comes and leaves through the front door.

Anything else is up to you. And get a dressing gown/bathrobe or some pj's.

[PollytheDolly]

Well I'd have put my hand on my hip and said

"Just wait there young man, I'll get my nipple tassels"
He wouldn't be back.


Seriously though, she should have told you then you'd have been prepared. That's what makes it unreasonable.

[diddl]

It's sad that she didn't feel able to broach this with you & that that has led to her being sneaky.

But there's a naked bloke in her room that you can see & she's denying it?

Wtaf is that about?

Thing is, if she knows that you would say no, then imo she shouldn't be doing it.

Sorry if that's not liberal enough!

[Porpoiselife]

Awkward!!

Time to invest in a dressing gown

I've no idea how you should handle this though, I'm here for tips in case mine do the same at that age!