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Dds friend not coming to school as mum is ill..

(102 Posts)
sherazade Wed 15-Mar-17 09:33:58

This is more of a wwyd than an Aibu, although I wonder if aibu to be worried about dds best friend and her mum.
Just going to give some background info to give a fuller picture- sorry if you think some details are irrelevant but don't want to have to drip feed later.
I've always been a bit concerned/ wary of dds friendship with anther girl at school. They both started in y4 and are best friends, inseparable , almost. I don't have a problem with the girl, she seems lovely as does her mum, really chatty and always making an effort to do things for the girls . However I noticed that her mum didn't have a mobile phone and whenever we arranged activities for the girls i always had to ring her dad to speak to her mum which I thought was weird . Every time I asked for her number she'd make excuses like I've forgotten it, broke my phone , sim not working , etc which was quite frustrating as I needed her direct number for when dd was over and it was annoying to ring her dad who wasn't always with them . Very recently she admitted to me she never had a phone and only just got her own and that her partner was quite controlling .
The bf also mentioned once to me when on a play date ' we only go to the supermarket when my dads around because he keeps all the money ' as well as 'my dad keeps cameras around the house ' ( she's very talkative and just said it randomly)
I was still despite thinking they were a bit weird perfectly fine with this friendship until one day dd came home and said 'bf dad is voting to leave because they want the immigrants out and there are too many foreigners here. Bf doesn't agree with her mum and dad. They're not racist they're just worried about jobs etc'. This raised concern for me because dds dad is a migrant , and dd is not white but olive skinned like her dad. I tried not to look into it so much but then again dd mentioned that her bf dad really liked trump etc . To be honest I startedto worry about dd going over there in case the anti immigrant sentiment ever became directed to her .
A few weeks ago I saw bf mum on the school run and she told me she'd been really unwell and might ask me to take her kids to school for her ( she has four children one with severe SN and always seems to be doing a lot ) I immediately said that would be fine please let me know .
The following Monday I rang her on her phone to ask if she was better and if she wanted me to pick up the kids for her. Her partner answered in an abrupt manner and said she was in hospital and ill . I was shocked so asked him what had happened but he wouldn't say just said everything's fine ,she's fine . I asked if they needed help with getting the kids to and fro school (I have a car, they don't and it's on my way ) and he said ' no it's all sorted'.
It turned out the kids had not been to school that day as dd told me when I picked her up that her bf had been absent.
Bf and her little brother did not turn up to school for the rest of the week.
When bf returned to school the following week she told dd ' we were at home the whole week because our mum was ill and we had nobody to take us. My dad had to watch my mum in hospital'.
I have no idea if the school are aware.
I'm annoyed that I offered to take them and the dad said everything was sorted.
I'm also slightly worried that they were ok with their kids being off for a whole week.

Sirzy Wed 15-Mar-17 09:36:53

I think your best bet is to have a quiet word with someone at the school and let them know your worries.

opinionatedfreak Wed 15-Mar-17 09:37:27

Contact the school.

MatildaTheCat Wed 15-Mar-17 09:39:27

Talk to the school. In this position I would, in all honesty also try to encourage your dd into other friendships and not let her go there because she is at risk of racial abuse and worse.

The mother situation is worrying but you cannot help her. Let the authorities get involved.

Heirhelp Wed 15-Mar-17 09:39:59

Ask to speak to the school child protection officer or ring SS. What the child has said is that the 4 children were home alone. This may not be the truth but it needs to be investigated.

MatildaTheCat Wed 15-Mar-17 09:41:01

Btw when my ds was young I had several incidents with the DM of my sons friend. I really regret not mentioning it to the school because with hindsight that poor little boy was really neglected.

Bananamanfan Wed 15-Mar-17 09:41:22

Contact the school to raise your concerns. The dad sounds like a very abusive man, his wife has no money, no phone & 4 dcs to look after & the camera thing is just awful.
You could always go straight to you LA to repoert a safeguarding concern if you don't want to go through the school.

sherazade Wed 15-Mar-17 09:42:47

@Heirhelp sorry I should have clarified they were not alone. Bf told dd that her nana had stayed with them for the week.

sherazade Wed 15-Mar-17 09:50:07

I have tried SO hard to steer her into other friendships but it's not happening.
Dd was so popular with loads of friends at her previous school . I'm not saying this because I am her mum and I have three kids but can only say this about dd and that is she is one of those kids who are so lively , happy , pleasant and kind and an all rounder academically . Since becoming bf with this girl they seem glued together and dd won't accept the idea of branching out no matter how subtly I put it she gets really upset and defensive about her friendship with bf. I have an inkling that although her parents don't like immigrants they've accepted the friendship because as the mum has told me her dd has always struggled to make friends and my dd has made her love her new school , made her more confident and happy etc.
Thanks for the responses, il be speaking to the school .

stopfuckingshoutingatme Wed 15-Mar-17 09:54:55

report to the school, this is a safeguarding issue on many levels. Ugh.

I would also not discourage the friendship, but have it on your own patch - it will fade eventually anyway

WinnieFosterTether Wed 15-Mar-17 10:00:07

It won't do any harm to speak to the school but tbh I'm unsure what you would say. Obviously the school will be aware that the DCs were off and may know more about the home situation and the mother's illness than you do. There could have been valid reasons for keeping the DCs home eg if the DM was seriously ill and they thought they may have to rush the DCs to hospital to see her.
I'm not seeing any safeguarding concerns. Access to money and to a phone may be red flags but they are not proof of abuse and tbh neither is having cameras. Lots of homes have cameras for security reasons.

Porpoiselife Wed 15-Mar-17 10:11:32

I shouldnt worry about the brexit and trump and migrant thing. Kids pick up snippits of all sorts of conversations so that could have been taken out of context and as your dd is best friends with theirs I am sure you would have picked up on someting if it was a racism problem. But he does sound very controlling which is pretty freaky. perhaps they didnt go to school because the dad couldnt get them clean uniforms or something? Maybe he is a useless piece of crap round the house - hence the nana staying. Just hoping she wasnt in the hospital because of him.
It might all be really innocent, he may just be very bad at dealing with people (very introverted?) and didnt want to take you up on the lift because he wasnt sure how to get the kids ready or how to interact with you and thought it easier to just say no. It is worth raising with the school though so that if they have their own concerns they can decide if anything needs to be done. Just in case.

MommaGee Wed 15-Mar-17 10:14:01

So it looks like Dad is at least financially and every emotionally abusive so you're trying to get DD to ditch her and find a friend from a nicer family despite knowing this poor kid struggles to male friends. I could understand you wanting to have them at yours, I absolutely think you need to raise concerns through the school but I think trying to break up the friendship is just mean and perhaps a little snobby

Deathraystare Wed 15-Mar-17 10:16:01

Gosh he sounds very controlling. He obviously wants to keep other people away.

sherazade Wed 15-Mar-17 10:17:20

No it's actually not about finances - you don't know my own personal situation to call me a snob.
I am genuinely worried that the parents might make a racial comment in front of dd.
The older sister has already said that 'dd needs to sort her monobrow out' ( she is very middle eastern looking , thick black hair and quite heavy brows)

chloesmumtoo Wed 15-Mar-17 10:17:29

I don't think I could interfere at this point tbh. Everything is a bit if and but and what the child has said. Nothing wrong with not having a mobile and tbh I hate phones and have slight anxiety so defo prefer dp answering certain calls. Maybe I am a bit weird grin It has also taken me years to learn my number. I also think a lot of people could say their partner is controlling at certain times of their lives, could have caught her on a bad day. I am a housewife and happily mostly go out with dp shopping and he carries the money, but we do have joint bank account this may be the same for them. I also believe people have the right to support who they want in politics and feel what they want about immigration without being wrongly judged.
Maybe I am wrong but if she was seriously ill and both parents felt better with the children home with nannie then I also think it is fine. Less for the parents to worry about having to rely on someone else especially with a son with SEN also. Nanny also may find it hard doing the pick ups, may not drive or have health issue herself. Maybe the children are too worried about their mum for school. I personally have a close family and don't like to rely on others outside of the family if I don't have to for situations like this.

SoupDragon Wed 15-Mar-17 10:19:57

I would, in all honesty also try to encourage your dd into other friendships and not let her go there

I can understand not wanting the DD to go to the house but taking away the friend of what appears to be a vulnerable girl seems cruel.

spiney Wed 15-Mar-17 10:20:40

I think you could mention this in the strictest confidence to the school. But they will have picked up that your Dd's friend and brother missed school for a week anyway.

dowhatnow Wed 15-Mar-17 10:24:11

Is there any way to find out from the bf why Mum was in hospital - purely to rule out the possibility of him putting her there and keeping them at home to stop them "telling".

I'd also try to befriend the Mum a bit more so that she knows you are there for her if she is in an abusive relationship. See if you can get her to open up a bit.

sherazade Wed 15-Mar-17 10:24:28

I agree which is largely why I've left the friendship to take its own course. The problem is, the mum is constantly ,constantly asking for dd to be over and to do things with her dd after school and I'm reluctant. It would be so much easier if it was just within school !
Her dd comes over but it's a bit hard for me to have her over all the time as I live miles away from school, have a screamy baby and car share so I have to always drop her back in the evenings which isn't always possible.(as they don't drive)

1AnnoyingOrange Wed 15-Mar-17 10:28:21

Yanbu to be concerned.

Personally I wouldnt have my dd at their house until I was more clear on the situation. Playdates at your house only. I would not discourage friendship though, not to protect bf, just because they seem to have a genuine friendship.

I would contact the school with your concerns and ask for it to be confidential.

MommaGee Wed 15-Mar-17 10:30:40

I didn't say it was money
I said he was potentially financially abusive.
Snobbery isn't just about money it's the attitude of "not our kind of people", "not good enough for DD as we're such a nice family "

You're entitled to not want her around an older sibling who might bully her or a parent who might be aggressive etc, of course you are. But breaking up their friendship because of a parent or sibling is unfair in both kids and does give the impossible its because the family aren't good enough for you.

Spongesecret008 Wed 15-Mar-17 10:33:45

Can the school do anything to get the kids mixing more at playtime and lunch time? My ds's school sometimes have organised games at lunch time which I encourage my ds to do. This has got him mixing and eventually, with a lot of encouragement from me, he has moved on to another group of friends. A lot of the kids seem to have changed friends recently. I think the school is helping them to mix at playtime and lunchtime. I was very worried about my ds's friends and am so relieved he has moved on from them.

Spongesecret008 Wed 15-Mar-17 10:39:03

Maybe your dd and her bf could be encouraged to try to include others in their friendship group so they have more than one best friend?

sherazade Wed 15-Mar-17 10:43:20

@MommaGee it's more like we're not good enough for them hmm

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