Bizarre upsetting situation(174 Posts)
This is my first post so bear with me. I've been with dh for 12 years and we have one dd together and are expecting another this year. We live 10 mins down the road from MIL and FIL and see them every week/2 weeks (although mil often pops in on week days too to see dd). He's always been close with his family or at least that's the impression I've been given over the years - we even lived with them for 3.
Since the beginning of the year my husband has been increasingly reluctant to see them always making excuses when they ask to go for lunches, pop round for a visit or take dd out for the day. It's come to the point where it's incredibly obvious and after speaking to dh about it he's told me he wants to cut contact. I really don't know what to make of this its completely out of the blue. I've asked over and over why and he just says he has no need for them in his life any more and it would be easier to just not see them. This has horrified me!!! I'm really close with my own family and could not imagine cutting anyone from my life especially without any kind of reason!! I'm seriously concerned about him and why he's made such a spontaneous decision which will really hurt his family.
A bit of insight into my relationship with MIL and FIL - we have always got on really well up until about 2 years ago. They started acting cold towards me MIL being highly passive aggressive and FIL just downright rude and aggressive (really don't know which is worse). DH has noticed this and thinks it's because we had a very busy year during that period and were unable to see them often (I had hyperemsis and hardly got out of bed most weekends and DH had huge work commitments meaning he didn't have time for anyone). He thinks they blame me for this and tried to keep them from DH although we can't figure out why? Anyway since then its been frosty but they've kept up visits and I occasionally will make up an excuse to leave dd with MIL during the week for an hour or 2 so they get quality time together and rarely refuse her when she asks to visit. Saying all of this I have no idea if this has impacted his decision or not - he claims no but I am clutching at straws as it seems bizarre. Have spoken to SIL about this which DH is a little miffed about as she came round to talk to him and he says it's none of her business. She's very upset and has begged him to reconsider cutting their parents out. SIL has confirmed to me that they have noticed the increasing distance and think it's me trying to stop them from seeing DD which I fully expected as DH has always been a bit of a golden boy in their family. DH thinks I need to drop the subject, accept his decision and stop dramatising everything - he's put it down to pregnancy hormones. I don't think I'm dramatising. I think this IS a big deal and a big mistake which he can't take back once its done and they miss out on dd and new baby's early years. AIBU? Or is he? And more importantly WWYD?
No he needs to be transparent here. It's unfair to leave you guessing like this.
There is obviously something big he is not telling you. Did he have a good relationship before?
They had a great relationship! His wedding speech was more about them and how much they've helped him/is over the years than me! we always went for lunches with SIL and her DH and would always spend time with my family when they visited (they live the other end of the country). He will not admit to there being any reason. We have been having the same conversation for months and it is honestly like talking to a brick wall. They do have a family history of people doing this which is odd. Apart from MIL, FIL and SIL there are very few other family members that still talk all seemingly with no real reason
Gosh I'm not sure I can give much advice but I would be as concerned as you are. To me the mature thing to do would be for him to have a heart to heart with his parents and sort out whatever is the problem. To cut them out of his life (and does he intend to cut them out of their grandchildren's lives?) just seems over dramatic. They won't have a clue why.
Ask him what's wrong with a bit of good old fashioned communication. He could attempt to sort out the issue instead of running away from it.
Sounds like something pretty serious happened between your dh and pil and he's keeping it from you.
Agree, something big has happened recently or in the past which has now been revisited.
You are right to question him and it is not dramatic (I assume you are not weeping and wailing the while time).
I'm not sure I could settle until I had answers.. I'm sorry, it sounds hard op
he needs to tell you what is going on.
based on what you say i wonder if they have been badmouthing you to him and he is not willing to accept it.
yanbu to expect your husband to talk to you about why he feels this way.
yabu if you want to try to tell him he must remain in contact with his parents. thats for him to decide.
I suspect there's a lot more going on that he hasn't told you.
It might well be that he hasn't told you as you might be upset or offended by things that have been said and done.
I also think, given your SILs comment that there's been a lot of nasty chatter about you behind your back.
What would you want to do if that is the case?
There's no weeping and wailing from me - just confusion and worry. Myself and SIL have suggested talking to them but he's refusing. She's told me that all her family (except her - she is very similar to me) prefer to distance themselves from their problems rather than have to talk.
I really don't feel as though I can settle but he's just not giving answers...it comes up on a weekly basis and has done since January when this started.
I think you should support your dh as frustrating as it is. He must have good reason and your loyalty must be to him.
He may in time tell you why.
I'd love to go no contact with one of my parents if I only had the balls to. But I wouldn't want to have to explain to dh the reasons why as that would be painful and I'd just want to put it behind me.
Maybe they have been criticising you behind your back and your DH has had enough.
Whatever his reasons, he should discuss it with you.
I am certain this is the case. SIL suggested this in the most gentle way possible as she wont want to get them in trouble or jeopardise her relationship with me (we are very close). I don't mind being bad mouthed as I've had about 2 years of this behaviour and have accepted it. I also have a wonderful family of my own so don't feel the need for their approval.
Im more concerned about the reason behind this - he insists there's nothing....really?? He hasn't seen them without me in a long time so I don't know how he would have witnessed them slagging me off? He used to go for drinks with his dad but this stopped a long time ago.
Maybe support him in his decision and likely he will open up to you when the dust has settled down. . Rather you stand by the man you married than his family!!
Two years ago they started being horrible to you They started acting cold towards me MIL being highly passive aggressive and FIL just downright rude and aggressive
Why did they start being cunts to you? Because you were too ill to visit them as much as usual. Nasty nasty people. I bet this behaviour isn't new to DH. I bet he knows exactly how nasty they can be. I bet you don't know the half of it.
I like your DH. Good on him for choosing you over them. Good on him for not wanting his children to be influenced by people who will be rude and aggressive over nothing. Also nice of him to try to shield you from hearing whatever shit they've been spreading about you. You do not have a DH problem. You are lucky.
Stop trying to drink from the poisoned well. Listen to your DH. He knows them a lot better than you.
You have to support his decision as they are his parents. There is obviously more to this than you know, I think they have been bad mouthing you.
Support your dh
I don't think they thought I was as ill as I was. FIL came to our house once and DH said I was in bed ill. He kept insisting I come downstairs to say hello and DH told him to leave me be but in the end he made his own way up, came into my bedroom without knocking and started trying to have general chit chat with me well I was half concious. His parting comment before DH removed him was "pregnancy is not an illness you know"
Yes they are difficult. Yes they have been truly awful at times (loads of examples like that). But I thought with dd being born things were getting better. They're always lovely to him and half the time they are fine with me. Both his parents have had alcohol problems but these were resolved long before I met him....I've tried to see if this could be the reason but he is adamant that there is no reason including their relationship with him.
I completely understand the comments from people who are saying just support him - he is my husband after all and will ultimately do this as I love him. However it just doesn't quite sit right with me that's there's no explanation...they really have been great GP even if they have been shit PIL.
If his parents are toxic, ie badmouthing you then why on earth would you keep wanting him to see them? Why would you want your dd to be involved with toxic people?
They are only toxic towards me and it's only occasionally. I still don't believe anyone is all bad and I certainly don't believe they've done anything to warrant their GC being torn from them. I know other people cut contact for lesser reasons but I've been bought up to believe family is important. My own DM and DF have said things to upset me before - we've had blazing rows over things but I would never cut them out just as I wouldn't expect them to cut me out
There's definitely more to this and he's probably trying to protect you from it.
Especially if you are pregnant he's not going to want to cause you unnecessary stress.
It sucks not knowing but just trust that your DH is doing what's right first the 4 of you.
Just support his desicion. He sounds like an awesome hubby OP!
I can't offer any advice (except to keep chipping away at him - you're his wife, he can't expect you to just shrug and say OK then without knowing why) but I wanted to say how admirably you're coping with all this. You're nice enough to be able to separate them out from being crap PILs to being good grandparents, and not everyone would be a big enough person to do this.
My husband fell out with his parents big time and for a year I felt really upset by the whole thing especially when no contact with our children. I found it very stressful. Then one day they met up as if NOTHING had happened and it was never mentioned on that day or since. I felt like I wasted a whole year worrying over nothing .
Thanks hassled I'm not going to lie sometimes I hate them! But I know my own DM can be very blunt and thoughtless sometimes and I would hate for someone to cut her off from her GC (luckily she had all girls so we know what she's like!) it would kill her just as I know this will kill PIL. However majority advice is to trust him so maybe I owe him a bit of patience and trust....I will try to bite my tongue as best I can and hope he opens up one day
They sound like fucking horrible people. He's known them since birth, if he's decided to stop being in contact I'm sure it's for a good reason. Sounds like they've been really fucking horrible about you, (sounds like something happened over Christmas perhaps?) and he's finally had enough.
Trust him, he sounds like a good guy with a lot on his plate.
They aren't awesome grandparents if they treat their DIL like shit.
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