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To still be pissed off that my husband raped me

(53 Posts)
StillASlaveToHim Tue 14-Mar-17 16:24:24

and that there was nothing, not a thing, I could do to stop him or do anything about it?

It happened years ago but I still get annoyed at him, at just everything in general, and at just the fact I was completely powerless. I couldn't report him, I couldn't leave him, I couldn't confide in anyone so I just had to put up with him ignoring me when I said "no" sometimes.

It is not normal to still be angry years later, is it?

Restorativepowersoftea Tue 14-Mar-17 16:25:30

I'm so sorry this happened to you. flowers Are you still with him?

Owllady Tue 14-Mar-17 16:25:37

This has never happened to me but I'd imagine it's normal to be angry forever sad

Mammylamb Tue 14-Mar-17 16:25:58

It is completely normal to still be angry. Are you still with him?

Elphame Tue 14-Mar-17 16:26:26

Perfectly normal.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 14-Mar-17 16:27:00

Of course it is.
You never dealt with it.
He never faced ANY consequences.
Why couldn't you leave?
Why couldn't you report it?
Get yourself some help now.
Many rape victims have it haunt them years later and suffer PTSD.
Get onto Rape Crisis and get some support.
You need to face and deal with this.
It won't be easy and you have every right to still be angry.
Are you still with him?
Womens Aid can help you with an escape plan if you need one.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Tue 14-Mar-17 16:27:07

My exh raped me 2 weeks pp. I took my wedding ring off the next morning after he denied doing it. . Took me 2 years to leave but I did. .
There is no reason for you to still be his wife.

StillASlaveToHim Tue 14-Mar-17 16:27:59

No I'm not still with him. We actually divorced in 1991 so that's 26 freaking years ago now so I don't really think it's normal to still be so angry.

He was a bloody police officer too angry

Kr1stina Tue 14-Mar-17 16:28:23

I would think that it's entirely normal to be angry for years at someone who raped you. Even more so as you got no justice. And your rapist was someone who was supposed to love you. And it happened more than once.

All these things would make me very angry indeed. I'm angry just reading about what happened to you.

ThinEndOfASlipperySlope Tue 14-Mar-17 16:28:41

flowers I am so sorry that this happened to you. I don't think there is a 'normal' way to deal with something like this. Have you considered counselling?

StillASlaveToHim Tue 14-Mar-17 16:28:51

I also should have made it clear that he's my ex. But we were married when he raped me angry

StillASlaveToHim Tue 14-Mar-17 16:30:43

It makes me angry that he was a police officer and would sometimes deal with women who had been raped. He would no doubt pretend to be nice to them and be sympathetic to them but then he would come home and rape me angry

jay55 Tue 14-Mar-17 16:30:44

It's perfectly okay to be angry. Be mad. Fucking hell it doesn't matter how long ago it was.

Has something happened to bring it all to the surface or have you been continually angry?

StillASlaveToHim Tue 14-Mar-17 16:33:17

Not angry all the time, it just comes to the surface occasionally.

Owllady Tue 14-Mar-17 16:34:37

Have you had any counselling?

ChipInTheSugar Tue 14-Mar-17 16:36:16

I'm still angry about the same situation with my ex, OP. Divorced 13 years now. The fact that he wouldn't even now accept that it was rape, and that the fact HE "needed" sex, apparently trumped my right to say no without fear of recriminations. It's fucked me up for a long time.

EnormousTiger Tue 14-Mar-17 16:37:11

Whe I married a husband could not rape his wife in English law (even if people morally felt it was wrong actually). I just checked the dates.... "The marital rape exemption was abolished in England and Wales in 1991". So in 1991 your husband could have had sex with you against your will. he could commit a crime of using illegal force, holding you down, slapping you but the act of the rape was not rape in English law depending on the precise time in 1991.

It is amazing how recently it was the law in England that a wife gave continuous consent to sex when she married.

missbishi Tue 14-Mar-17 16:37:29

Of course YANBU, why on earth wouldn't you be pissed off with being raped? Even if it was 75 years ago you are still allowed to be angry and pissed off. You have every right to be absolutely fucking fuming with rage about this. I'm even fuming myself, a copper of all things!

Imagine that a good friend came to you and told us exactly what you have told us here. What would you say to her? You certainly wouldn't tell her that she should have got over it by now would you?

However, the best thing you could do for yourself is take steps to deal with these (thoroughly justified) feelings. Some anger is useful and healthy but if it is taking over your life, affecting you emotionally and/or physically then it would be worth considering counselling etc. You deserve a damn sight better than this flowers

StillASlaveToHim Tue 14-Mar-17 16:38:04

I can still remember the first time he raped me. He had arrived home from work in a bad mood and dinner wasn't ready yet which put him in an even worse mood. He then started shouting at me and calling me stupid and said that I was hopeless. He then threw me to the floor and raped me right there even though I was begging him to stop and that he was hurting me but he just ignored me. He told me it was my fault and if I just did what I was told he wouldn't have to hurt me.

SummerHouse Tue 14-Mar-17 16:38:28

You can still report this and you can get help and counseling. If you prefer not to go to police you can go to a sexual assault referral clinic. You can take it as far as you want to. There will be no pressure to report but no pressure not to. I am not at all surprised you are angry.

emilybrontescorset Tue 14-Mar-17 16:41:04

Christ is he still a police officer?

highinthesky Tue 14-Mar-17 16:41:26

YANBU but you need to find a way of letting go.

Bhudda said: "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned". You got shot of him 26 years ago, that's a long time to keep hurting yourself for.

StillASlaveToHim Tue 14-Mar-17 16:41:48

EnormousTiger that's another thing, he knew it wasn't a crime, he knew that more than anyone and he loved smugly reminding me that it wasn't crime.

StillASlaveToHim Tue 14-Mar-17 16:42:16

He's not a police officer any more no.

ladyballs Tue 14-Mar-17 16:42:34

YANBU. flowers

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