To feel I can't cope with husbands depression?(23 Posts)
We have two children, 5 months and 22 months old. We both work full time. Husband gets up, dressed etc and leaves home by 6.30, I race around and get babies fed, clean bums, dressed etc before grandparents arrive and I leave for work. I then race home at the end of the day so grandparents can go home and then I cook dinner, sort babies etc and often single handedly try and get babies to bed (22 month old is a nightmare and fights going to bed every night). Husband works 6 days a week.
I sort out all the childcare, do all the housework, food shopping etc and manage all the bills.
For the last few months I've also been the only one paying the bills because his income has been so low. Just to add to the stress I'm in the middle of being made redundant so I'm also trying to job hunt.
Husband has been saying he feels depressed and is suffering with anxiety for a while. Things came to a head so I made a Dr appt for him but he wouldn't let me go with him and instead took a friend. He has a follow up appt in 2 weeks but again is taking his friend. I feel so hurt by this and it's really making me question our relationship. I thought we had a rock solid marriage and could lean on each other. Last night he was questioning how do you know whether you love someone and asked how do I know I love him and our children.
I'm really struggling and if I'm to be honest finding myself feeling really angry and resentful. Our marriage used to be so good and were blessed to have two beautiful healthy children. I'm managing so much I really can't take on anymore and yet he feels his life is so hard and apparently needs more sympathy and understanding!
I'm normally really understanding and supportive when friends and family are going through troubled times but I'm finding his behaviour really self indulgent and I just want to shout at him I'm doing everything I can't take on anymore!
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Why is his income so low if he is leaving the house at 630am 6 days a week (or vice versa)?
Is it his parents or yours that are coming to your house?
I would be furious that he'd taken a friend instead of me to the appointments. Is this a lifelong friend who he can talk to about anything at all?
He's self employed so if he takes ages to do a job his income is really low. I've even given him the option of being a SAHD and said I will find a really good job but he wont.
If he's working 6 days a week and gone all day why is his income so low? What does he do?
Don't take him taking a friend to the Dr's personally he may just need a bit of time and space to deal with things and figure out how to tell you how he feels.
You are not a bad person to be resentful it sounds relentless and you have alot on
This is a friend he's had for about 10 years. My dad has suffered with MH all his life so I am very understanding and know how the MH system etc works. I've told him how upset I am and his reply was "now you're making me feel worse and putting me in the middle of you and friend" I wanted to shout at him You're my husband!
Have you explained to him how he is coming across and the impact he is having on the other people in his family?
Have you reminded him to be greatful for the things he has?
Im gonna get slammed for this but I feel (not speaking for anyone else) but unless something huge has triggered depression sometimes people just need a bloody good good kick up the bum.
There is a difference between getting stuck in a rut and depressed, Op you shouldn't have to be dragged down because your DP says he has depression. If he is unwilling to let you help him (go to the doctors with him) but happy to let it affect your life / marriage then id be seriously considering letting him sort his own shit out. You have two under 3's to concentrate on. A marriage / husband should be helping you in life, not adding to your worries. He seems to think your wonder woman, shame wonder woman hasn't got a wonder man to help her!!!
I would say differently if he was letting you to the appointments but he is picking and choosing when he wants his family involved .
I honestly don't know how to answer this.I think that everybody has their own way of dealing with the illness.It is great that he has been to see the GP,has he been prescribed any medication?
It is a horrible illness which does make you become detached and self centred.It also hits your self esteem and causes you to push those you love away.
I can fully understand your hurt though,who is the friend that is supporting him?
It's good that he's at least seeking medical advice but pretty rubbish that you don't seem to even have any expectation of him pulling his weight at home.
I suspect he won't allow you to go to the GP because he needs to say things that would hurt you. That could well be due to his depression so try to look on it positively that he is protecting your feelings and still getting support.
I hope things improve for you soon, it sounds grindingly tough.
It think its quite unfair of him to rely on you do heavily to keep your lives together and all the plates spinning and NOT involve you in his treatment. It may be that attending the appointments would help you too.
We had rough time last year where DH was depressed and I was carrying all the bills... and I mean all, I was burnt out working long hours, while he just shut down and descended further and further into a rut. But - he sought help, involved me in his treatment and now we are back on an even keel with us both working and are much kinder to each other all round....we really were at the point where I just resented him so much for just abandoning his responsibilities and leaving it all to me...and like you I wanted to scream that I COULDN'T DO ANY MORE.
I now try to be mindful of 'triggers' and support him.... he now see's that we'll both drown if he just shuts down and leaves it all on me and now takes a lot of pride in tackling life head on and supporting his family. My respect for him has really rocketed.
I really feel your OP should do you the courtesy of involving you where he can... its not fair for you to take it all on your shoulders and be in the dark.
It sounds like he may have relationship obsessions, very common with anxiety. He's maybe not wanted u to go because he's ashamed of them. It's basically a fear of not feeling, loving enough those who mean the world to you. I say fear, as that's what it is.
Who is this 'friend?' Not a female by any chance is it?
Depression is an awful, crippling condition. It affects your thought processes, mood, feelings and how effective you can be.
He may be ashamed of his feelings even though he had no control over them. I certainly was when I was ill. Taking a third party may be his way of protecting himself from his shame and fears, whilst simultaneously confronting them with the doctor.
Going to the doctors at all is more important than who he goes with. Please don't dwell on this. He is not processing things in a normal way, because he can't. Please don't add to his fears.
It is hard to support someone with depression, so maybe have a look at it from a fresh perspective and understand what is actually happening to him. This is a nice article on supporting a spouse:
We hear so much about depression from the suffer's point of view...it's widely researched and is obviously see as a serious MH condition.
From personal experience, living with and trying to support a person with MH problems/depression is absolutely exhausting. The impact on a family can be devastating.
My view is that we all have a responsibility for ourselves ultimately: a person suffering from depression needs to get to the point where they acknowledge there is a problem with their MH and take steps to get help. The person living with a depressed person has the right to live a happy life and in an environment without conflict and anxiety.
You're between a rock and a hard place OP.
Talk to someone - friends/relatives and build up YOUR support network. You need support and remember we are not responsible for orhers entirely. We can help, support, advise but at the end of the day, your DH is going to work damn hard HIMSELF to take steps to manage his depression.
All the best OP.
Looking after someone with mental health problems is hard work. Even being arround someone with depression can be draining. The most important thing you can do is to look after yourself, find a way to take a little time out for yourself even if its just a bath. If we go under we cant support those we love. It is not unreasonable to feel as you are though.
Don't take it personally its the depression speaking not your DP. Depression can hit even when everything in life seems to be good objectively. DH doesn't like me to go to his psychiatrist or CPN appointments and I respect that as I wouldn't want him in my appointments with my councellor or CPN. Not because I can't talk to him or don't want to involve him. More that sometimes it easier to talk to someone with some diistance.
The important thing is that he is getting help and if hes been started on ADs hopefully things will start to get easier in the next few weeks as they start to kick in.
Thank you everyone, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.
His friend is another man, he's not gay or anything, no worries at all on that count. But I find his friend really toxic. His friend has MH problems himself, severe MH problems but he's cured himself by stopping all medication and finding god! Every time they work together my DH changes, his mood goes down, his anxiety goes up, the hours he spends at work just go off the scale (leaves home at 6.30am gets back anytime up until around 9pm and whereas up until recently it was my DH talking to him about his problems it's now the other way around.
I've cut him some slack and accepted he wanted his friend there for his first Drs appt because DH said they're together all day and his friend sees what his like during the day but I cannot accept him taking his friend for his follow up appt. There is no need for his friend to be there, the next appt is to discuss how he has felt during the last 2 weeks.
After his first appt I had to sit and listen to his friend tell me how my DH is feeling about me, about our children and how his Drs appt went! I really feel like there's 3 people in my marriage.
We discussed it again last night and DH is still adamant he wants his friend there and not me. I told DH we've been together 9 years, have 2 babies and yet you feel the support of your friend is more important than me. He is without doubt prioritising his friendship over his relationship with me and I can't for the life of me work out why. I've spent the last 2 days in tears, unable to even go to work because I'm also trying to deal with redundancy consultation meetings and feel completely unsupported in everything in my life. Our rent and bills are due and once again it's down to me to pay everything. Just like it's been down to me to make sure we have childcare in place so we can both go to work.
What really scares me is his friend is not mentally well and I honestly believe the time he has with my DH is making my DH worse. He seems to have a hold over him and DH seems to be frightened of upsetting him and losing his friendship.
Today, I confided in his sister and I've told her I feel like packing my things and my babies and walking away. I'm thinking of telling DH I've had the last conversation I'm willing to have with his friend regarding how my DH is, he either lets me come to his Drs appt and starts talking to me or I'm moving out with our babies whilst he sorts himself out because this situation is starting to make me feel ill and I have to make sure I'm ok for our children.
One more thing
DH doesn't like taking my phone calls or texting me when he is with friend....please tell me this isn't normal because I'm starting to feel like I'm going mad myself!
Oh, I shuddered slightly when I read the part about God! Is this friend excessively consumed by religion? That's obviously not even the point of your thread (sorry) but that would concern me.
You sound like you're in a very negative situation and I wish I had some profound advice for you but unfortunately I don't, so instead I'll wish you luck, strength and send you all of the best!
His friend was diagnosed with schizophrenia and given medication which he stopped after a while and has cured himself since finding god! My sister is a MH nurse and that is classic schizophrenia! Sufferers often believe they're misdiagnosed and will often stop meds and find god!
This all sounds very difficult. Your husband earns very little so as you say could be at home which would spare the poor grandparents who have all those hours of care of very small children. Although if the husband is depressed perhaps he could not look after the children?
I divorced and everyone was better for that including our children. In my view my husband was depressed although he would seek no help.
For a start your husband needs to reduce his working hours until he earns more. Could he not go into work at 10am and leave at 3pm? As he hardly earns any money surely that would be no big loss for him to be in work less.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.