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aibu to feel driven in to depression?

(13 Posts)
doingmybestneverenough Tue 14-Mar-17 13:24:41

I have a husband and one dc with another due in June.

I have zero support from my own family, very few friends and certainly noone i feel i can talk to.

My husbands dm and i dont get on. I feel she is emotionally abusive. She makes very little effort with us and our dc whereas she falls over herself for my husband's brother, his wife and his child (same age). My mil is very sneaky in her ways and my husband makes me feel like its my fault. The reality is she has favourites and its not us. My husband has no relationship with his brother because mil has pitted them against each other all their lives and are now so competitive and resentful of each other it is crazy.

Anyway, my husband also has emotionally abusive traits. He was physically abusive earlier in our relationship until i called the police. The physical abuse stopped and he got counselling and things improved so much that we got married...then had dc. I am now a sahm and feel trapped. He critacises me constantly. I am called lazy, slovenly, a cun£ and more several times a week. Because my background was bad (2 alcoholic parents who do nothing for anyone and live in dirty house with no care for anything) this is thrown back at me constantly.

He says things like 'i dont want an argument but because you are used to living in dirty houses you dont know how to clean properly/cant clean properly' and throws it back in my face all the time.

I do my best in the house but im not a professional cleaner and i never aspired to be a housewife. I had a successful career prior to dc1 arriving and with dc 2 on the way i now feel trapped.

Aibu to feel that this constant critacism plus zero support and a horrid mil could be driving me into depression?

Shoxfordian Tue 14-Mar-17 13:27:01

It's not ok for your husband to treat you like that. If you're unhappy then you shld look for ways to leave the relationship

TheOnlyLivingDeadBoyInNewYork Tue 14-Mar-17 13:45:17

It's not depression as in clinical depression, its a normal reaction to being in an abusive relationship, which you are.

Call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Tue 14-Mar-17 13:49:12

Tell him he needs to pay for a cleaner as your standards ob aren't to his specifications. .

BeachyKeen Tue 14-Mar-17 14:00:07

For the sake of your children, if not for yourself, walk away.
They deserve to see you treat yourself with respect, that is how they learn their own self respect. The standards you set for yourself are an example to your children of what you think is ok.

Happyfeet1972 Tue 14-Mar-17 14:57:42

One way or another OP, yes it will break you. Please get out. You do not have to put up with this..You deserve better.

DesignedForLife Tue 14-Mar-17 15:07:34

Your husband is emotionally abusive.

DesignedForLife Tue 14-Mar-17 15:08:02

And you deserve better!

Roanoke Tue 14-Mar-17 15:10:28

OP, this is not what relationships are supposed to be like. He has deliberately targeted you as a vulnerable person for him to treat like a servant and punching bag.

You don't have to get on with his mother (she isn't related to you, ignore her as you would a stranger) so stop taking her calls/visits. Put her to one side.

It is far more important you seek ways to exit this relationship. He will only escalate, especially if you begin to try and reclaim some power back for yourself.

doingmybestneverenough Tue 14-Mar-17 16:39:02

Thanks everyone.

He makes me feel like im going mad. He keeps saying he is comcerned about my mental health and that im not reacting normally to things. 'Things' including being critacised all the time.

I used to feel so strong. Ive lost who i am.

He isnt awful all the time, obviously. He threatens to leave me a lot and telks me i need to get my act together and that once dc2 is born we will need to talk as he is fed up.

I dont know what im meant to have done but i find myself asking myself daily.

I love my dc and know i will love dc2 but in a way i wish i had stayed at work, to retain financial independence. My office closed down when i was on mat leave so no option to return and id have to find another job and start from scratch.

I bf dc1 and intend to bf dc2....but i feel like its just another stick to beat me with. - mil hated me bf as she couldnt get her head around feeding on demand and the fact she couldnt have dc1 for more than an hour or so....So when her other child's girl was born 5 weeks later she dropped our dc and honed in on that one as it was bottle fed and she could 'have' that child all the time (that child's parents are very hands off whilst im very hands on....but my husband says my bf and wanting to bring our child up without passing her out all the time has caused the issues with mil).

DesignedForLife Tue 14-Mar-17 21:39:20

He makes me feel like im going mad. He keeps saying he is comcerned about my mental health and that im not reacting normally to things

That's called gaslighting. He is deliberately making you question yourself and your sanity in a bid to make you more dependent on him.

You say you feel like you've lost who you are - that's exactly how I felt when I was in an abusive relationship. Best decision I ever made was to get out of it.

I don't really know what to advise, other than he is abusive and crushing you, you need to get out and have a fresh start. I would strongly suggest reposting this on the relationship board as you'll get some fantastic advice from people who know a bit more. I would suggest to step up the job hunt as at least you'll have an easier step out.

Deedee3311 Tue 14-Mar-17 21:52:24

No relationship is perfect, my dh called me the c word on Sunday and in front of my dd. I sometimes wish I had the money to live alone and feel trapped etc. I don't know what to say to you really as I can relate to some of what you're saying. However my dh has never been physical with me, he wouldn't dare. Although you got past that and married I can see why you've mentioned it in your post, his emotional behaviour towards you must be making you wonder if he still has it in him and where I will go?

If things ever get so bad could you stay with parents or family for a while whilst you get yourself back into work, save some money, arrange childcare etc? If you haven't worked for a couple of years you may be entitled to some benefits that would support you financially whilst you live on your own.

Hope things get better in your relationship flowers

highinthesky Tue 14-Mar-17 21:55:52

OP, things are not going to get better with your DH and you need to help yourself.

Do you really want your children to witness this kind of behaviour? You know what you must do.

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