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Am I denying my child a better future

(77 Posts)
LoriD Tue 14-Mar-17 12:43:16

I am very confused at the moment so back story been with DP 10 years, not married and have one dc. I currently have a degree but due to lack of experience in that area I've struggled to get a job from it. At the moment I'm in a comfortable part time job that allows me to live ok and see dc a lot. We currently private rent in a small 2 bed house which is a bit mouldy and needs repairing etc.

So I decided to apply to do another degree which includes lots of placements and will set me up with a career for life. I just attended the final interview and so will find out in may if I got a place. So I've a dilemma

1. Go to uni which may take 2/3 years, leave work and stay out in this rented house. However, will end up with a career I'll love and will benefit from in the long term.

2. Don't attend uni yet and have another baby, save for a wedding and buy our own house at the start of next year.

I could easily apply for uni at a later date but with two children it won't be so easy and the application process if so difficult that I can't believe I've just been through it.

My dp has suggested if I get into uni then he will get a house in his name only which i am strongly against so I said no, he has stated then he will go and get a house on his own name anyway ( I do not want to be in that position at all). Plus he won't get as good a house as if we both applied together.

So what do I do.

2.

TheOnlyLivingDeadBoyInNewYork Tue 14-Mar-17 12:47:03

I'd do number 1, for sure, especially with a "d"p like that.

Maxwellthecat Tue 14-Mar-17 12:48:54

do you currently live with your partner?

BarbarianMum Tue 14-Mar-17 12:50:17

Would it really be cheaper to do a second degree than to get the experience (as a volunteer as necessary) to allow you to use your first?

Get married before you have any more children and ensure your dp contributes his fair share (ie 50% of childcare, plus 50% of parenting and 50% of housework) to the life you have now.

No offense, but you appear to be sleepwalking into an extremely vulnerable position.

Maxwellthecat Tue 14-Mar-17 12:50:22

Go to uni 100%

why would your partner only get the house in his name?

smythe55 Tue 14-Mar-17 12:52:54

Go to uni. Will your course lead to a high earning job? If so, you may be best staying unmarried. If not, marriage would make the name on the house issue irrelevant, and would probably be advisable if planning another baby.

But go to uni regardless.

Stickerrocks Tue 14-Mar-17 12:52:56

Definitely 1. If he's muttering about getting a house in his own name, you may need more qualifications and a good career in the long run far more than you need a wedding, house & another baby.

LoriD Tue 14-Mar-17 12:53:38

We've been living together for the past 5 years private rental. He very supportive of me but we are both fed up living in private rental and in a years time as long as I'm still in work we can afford to buy our own home. My daughter doesn't have a proper bedroom here as we can't decorate too much and there's big doubles beds taking up all the space.

At he same time I really want to do this course as dc is not at school yet 2.5 and so realistically now could be a good time. I'm so torn as to what is more important at the minute.

Bleu2 Tue 14-Mar-17 12:54:11

I'm a bit confused about your DP?
Is he very against you starting this new course?
If so, can you do the course without support from him? Childcare etc?

bibliomania Tue 14-Mar-17 12:55:46

If you've had student finance for this degree, are you sure you'll get finance for another degree?

goinglocomoto Tue 14-Mar-17 12:55:51

Number 1 no doubt.

Coincidentally my cohabiting dp told me he's planning to get a mortgage in his name only yesterday. Like you, I find that unacceptable so have decided to leave him.

LoriD Tue 14-Mar-17 12:57:05

If I move out I want a forever home so both us need to contribute financial.

My degree is in sociology which doesn't get me anywhere and the one I'm currently applying for is social work basically. As I want a career in social work I have to go this route.

I've been with dp 10 and he probably does more at home and childcare related as I do as he is really hands on. I've no worrys in that department just more we are both def up living here so he said if I want to do the degree then great he will support me but he will continue on with a house in his own name and we can all move in. Although I trust him
For security reason I will not live In a house in which my name is not on as this leaves me vulnerable

winnybella Tue 14-Mar-17 12:58:13

Number 1. Why doesn't he want to buy a house together with you?

LoriD Tue 14-Mar-17 12:58:41

He's supporting me 100% with the degree and childcare is no issue.

Yes I will get student finance and social work is a funded degree.

LoriD Tue 14-Mar-17 12:59:31

He does want a house with me but if I'm at uni then I won't have a job, no proper income therefore can't do a joint mortgage application

LoriD Tue 14-Mar-17 13:00:33

I won't find out till may if I'm in or not so he said we will just take it as it comes and decide from there.

If I get in I won't want to let the opportunity go but as I've said I really want my own home and another baby etc before my daughter starts school in few years.

ALittleMop Tue 14-Mar-17 13:01:08

"if I get into uni then he will get a house in his name only "
Why?
What is his reasoning?
Does he not want you to go to Uni?

Maxwellthecat Tue 14-Mar-17 13:01:20

Get a house in his name then get married

LoriD Tue 14-Mar-17 13:02:28

Maxwellthecat will this give me some sort of right then if we get married after

LoriD Tue 14-Mar-17 13:02:51

Can I be added on years later or does anyone know what way that works

pinkdelight Tue 14-Mar-17 13:03:03

I wouldn't be having another baby with a partner like that. That stuff about buying a house you have no rights to is no way to behave when you've been together 10 years and are the mother of his DC.

That aside, I'd do the degree now. And personally I'd get married to get yourself some security. Seen too many friends get fucked over in this kind of set-up, having been together longer than 10years and with more than one DC. It's not good. Think long-term and be wise.

JonesyAndTheSalad Tue 14-Mar-17 13:05:21

Your problem lies in your partner not putting your name on a mortgage which you will be eventually contributing to.

If he can get one in his name...then he should put you on it immediately.

His reluctance rings alarm bells.

pinkdelight Tue 14-Mar-17 13:05:22

"He does want a house with me but if I'm at uni then I won't have a job, no proper income therefore can't do a joint mortgage application"

Not doing a joint mortgage application doesn't mean the house can only be in his name. You can still own half of it with the right paperwork.

JonesyAndTheSalad Tue 14-Mar-17 13:06:19

If he's happy to have a child with you and live with you all those years then he SHOULD trust you enough to put your name on a mortgage.

It's not something you should put up with OP. Really, really wrong.

lindsey077 Tue 14-Mar-17 13:06:35

Have you seen the think ahead scheme for graduates that want to go into social work? You get paid a bursary which may enable you to move as well as study?

thinkahead.org/about-the-programme/how-the-programme-works/

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