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AIBU?

Disappointed with boyfriend's proposal

101 replies

FeelingAshamedAgain · 13/03/2017 16:48

I should feel so happy and lucky right now, but instead I feel really guilty and ashamed of myself, and very ungrateful.

My boyfriend proposed when we were visiting my parents, on a really busy day when we had lots to do so we didn't really have time to enjoy the moment.

This would be okay, except I know that when he proposed to his ex, he arranged a special day with lots of surprises, had a ring specially designed for her, and whisked her away on a glamorous holiday for a week to celebrate.

I feel so sad because he told me months ago, when we discussed getting married, that he wanted to propose to me properly. So because he'd been so romantic with his ex, I thought he would make it lovely for me too, except in a different way, of course. (NB she ended up splitting up with him before they got married; he's still not entirely sure why).

Don't get me wrong - this isn't about money. I didn't expect a holiday, or a bespoke ring or anything, we have more important things to spend our money on, but even a night away in a hotel somewhere, or candles or something . . . just SOMETHING to show that he'd planned it and thought about it.

I feel second-best; like he loves me less than his ex. I'm worried that he isn't motivated to be romantic or do special things for me, whereas with previous girlfriends he seems to have been very thoughtful and sweet.

Yes, I feel lucky that this man loves me enough to want to marry me . . . but I'm disappointed that he didn't make more of an effort with the proposal. I'm going to try to put it behind me because I know it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things . . . it just hurts a little!

OP posts:

Report

Cloudyapples · 13/03/2017 16:50

More details please - you haven't actually told us how he proposed to you

OutnumberedbyFurchesters · 13/03/2017 16:53

How did he propose?? Except on a busy day? You haven't actually said...

MrsHathaway · 13/03/2017 16:53

I think it's touching that he is making your marriage part of everyday life already. He's drawing a line under his previous non-marriage by shedding all the showing off - all the perfect princess illusion and Instagram perfect choreography and Kodak moments - and going to the core of it, which is you and him and your busy life together.

He's a keeper.

ThermoScan · 13/03/2017 16:57

How often to you see your parents? Did he feel that he needed to do it when they were around?
I was a bit disappointed with my proposal too (I was given a wrapped up ring but not actually asked ) but am happily married.
Try not to dwell on the actual proposal,the commitment is obviously there .

Rainydayspending · 13/03/2017 16:57

I think a massive "look at me being amazing" proposal is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Really in a strong relationship 1. You already know what the answer is and 2. You don't need it to be a story wirth telling. Maybe he's just more comfortable with you.

EatSpamAmandaLamb · 13/03/2017 16:59

Maybe he was just excited?
If you want to marry him focus on the marriage, or the proposal or day of the wedding. The real special moments are those we barely even register at the time not those hyped up by media and social media.
The proposal is he special part, not where or how he did it.

Leggit · 13/03/2017 17:00

He proposed. That means he wants to marry YOU. That is the important bit.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 13/03/2017 17:04

It sounds like he reflected on the experience with his ex and decided he wanted to do the polar opposite because the big gestures don't always mean a happy ending. Maybe doing it properly meant doing it in a family context and making it more personal to you two. It's hard to.to say without details but I would concentrate on the fact he wants to marry you and loves you not his ex.

FeelingAshamedAgain · 13/03/2017 17:06

Sorry, I should have said, he proposed in the living room just before we all started getting ready to go out - my parents were there, and my brother. So I think his logic was, "her family are important to her, so I'll do it when they're there".

Which I DO appreciate, and I love that he asked my dad's permission a couple of months before, but I would have preferred it to be a private moment, just the two of us, with a wee bit of romance . . . !

OP posts:

sm40 · 13/03/2017 17:13

He did all the romantic stuff before and it didn't work out so maybe that's why he did it differently. Sounds like he had thought of you and very brave in front of everyone else! You never know he may do it again 'properly' now you've said yes. He wants to marry you, that's what matters.

picklemepopcorn · 13/03/2017 17:13

I had a rubbish proposal, but we are still here, 25 years on.

I feel your pain though. And there has been absolutely no romance in our marriage!

Stickerrocks · 13/03/2017 17:16

After nearly 30 years together with my DH I can't remember when we decided to get married. He still hasn't bought me an engagement ring. It's actually the rest of your lives together which is the important bit, not the engagement, stag/hen do or wedding ceremony. I think your engagement sounds lovely, but surely you can work out something between the two of you now to celebrate the great event.

FeelingAshamedAgain · 13/03/2017 17:17

I think it's the comparison - maybe if there hadn't been precedent, I wouldn't know that he's capable of being romantic and not miss what I never had, I would just accept that this is how he wanted to do it.

I think it's because there's SUCH a big contrast between the two proposals, effort-wise. I feel hurt and worried that he doesn't value me as much as he did his ex.

I fully intend to try to forget about it, and I know that I'm being childish, but I'm just wrangling with a bit of disappointment at the moment. I'll kick myself up the arse and move on . . . in a few minutes . . . :-)

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 13/03/2017 17:17

I agree with MrsHathaway

WannaBe · 13/03/2017 17:26

IMO the flashier the proposal, the less genuine it is.

All this talk of bespoke rings and weeks away and big romantic gestures Just seems incredibly overkill and meaningless especially given they didn't actually get married.

When me and DP got engaged we had talked about it for a while then talked about it a bit more, then talked to DS about how he would feel if we got married. And all went out looking for a ring the next day. DP did propose in a way once we picked up the ring from the shop but we knew we were going to do it and that was enough.

EXH proposed to me on a beach in Florida and said he would never have dared to buy a ring in advance in case I didn't like it. Besides which shopping for the ring was part of the moment IMO.

It matters not what the proposal was like, what's important is what it represents. Do you want to marry him? Have you been together a while? Is it something you/ve discussed before? If you're right for each other then that's the important bit. The proposal is just one moment. Marriage is (hopefully) a lifetime.

Kelsoooo · 13/03/2017 17:28

I do understand. I get the disappointment. Its not unnatural to feel that way. And you're not being that unreasonable. Just, take on board the other posters advice. They're probably right.

NewPuppyMum · 13/03/2017 17:37

Natural to feel disappointment but it is going to be much better for you, and give your marriage a chance, if you stop irrationally comparing yourself to her and his feelings for her.

Forgottenshore · 13/03/2017 17:38

I'd been going out with my oh-to-be for two weeks when he said 'if we're still together in six months we should get married'. We celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary this year.

Your bf probably thought he was doing it the right way. Why not book a weekend away sometime soon, just the two of you, go out for a meal and a bottle of bubbly and celebrate xx

SauvignonPlonk · 13/03/2017 17:40

If he is a good guy and otherwise thoughtful, I would try to get over this asap and look to the future and your actual marriage and what that will mean.

My now DH turned to me in bed at about 6.30am, when I was half asleep, and said 'I think we should get married...what do you think?'. There was no ring. I said yes. We have been married years, are very happy and he is a truly thoughtful and romantic husband.

Lavish proposals mean nothing, really. Didn't exactly work out for him and the ex, did it?

MrsGB2225 · 13/03/2017 17:41

I understand why you are a bit upset. When you get engaged people always ask how it happened..
If you see it from his point of view, he made a big show of it last time and got dumped, he's probably a bit scared.

jamdonut · 13/03/2017 17:42

Maybe he thought, doing all that last time didn't have the required effect, so keep it simple this time?
The point is he has proposed and wants to marry you!!!

I never had the " on bended knee" proposal with a ring in a box. It was a matter-of-fact " shall we get married" , in the street, walking home after a cinema trip ( to see a film about a divorcing couple!!!).
We went to a buy a ring a few days later, and then broke it to our families that we were engaged. We didn't get married til 4 years later, when we finally got our first flat.
My DH had a brief marriage, before I met him, so it was my first marriage and his second. He didn't want the big white wedding again, so we had a lovely little register office wedding with immediate family, 'reception' in our little flat and a one night stay in a posh hotel near Windsor for our honeymoon. 27 years later we are still going strong.
I've told you all this because I want you to realise that the "trappings" are not necessary...It's what you make of your relationship that matters.

Alyosha · 13/03/2017 17:42

Well his big dramatic proposal didn't work out that well with his ex, did it?

I can understand you feel a little disappointed, but the most important thing is that you want to marry him for the right reasons. Is he nice to you, do you work well together, are you a team?

That matters much more!

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stephenisjustcoming · 13/03/2017 17:42

How do you know so much about how he proposed to his ex? Did he tell you about it? If he knows you know, iyswim, maybe he was trying to propose to you in as different a way as possible so you wouldn't be able to compare them. 'Oh, he took her to Paris but he only flew me to Dublin', sort of thing.

It's really not that healthy to be dwelling on the details of how he proposed to his ex. She's his ex. This is you, and this is the marriage he wants. My DH came up with quite a romantic way of proposing but he deliberately chose to do it at my parents' house, because he knew I had so many happy memories there. He could have whisked me off on a minibreak but didn't - memories are in your heart, not Instagram.

Cheer up, OP - you've got a lovely wedding to plan!

Fairenuff · 13/03/2017 17:43

I feel second-best; like he loves me less than his ex

If you really feel like that then I think that you should re-think the engagement. When someone loves you, you know they love you. They don't need to make grand gestures for you to feel it.

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 13/03/2017 17:44

The proposal means nothing tbh, a huge proposal doesn't mean you will last it means absolutely nothing

I think if I'd just proposed to someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and they were moaning about how I done it, I'd be fucked off to say the least

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