Friend and money(67 Posts)
Probably a long and tedious story, but here goes.
Close friend owed me some money. She seems to be almost annoyed that I asked for it back and I'm wondering if I should have just let her off.
I took her DD out for the morning at the end of october while she andid her DH did some wallpapering. She asked me to pick up some bits from the supermarket on the way back- pull ups, snacks for DD, stuff for their lunches at work, Halloween candy and some other bits. She didn't have cash on her so instead of taking her card (I always get unfoundedly paranoid that I'll get arrested or something , I said I'd put it on mine and she could transfer me.the money. All fine andining when I went home the last thing she said is that she'd send it over.
It didn't materialise and to be completely honest I forgot for a few weeks. I remembered in December and mentioned it to her but told her to leave it till after Christmas if she was short. Fine.
TheNothing reminded her in January and the message I got back was 'erm, OK can do but I'm really skint. I'll try to scrape some together for you.'. I felt horribly guilty.
Couple of weeks later we were on town and she went to the cash point, she said her DH had transferred her some for me- but when she looked or hadn't cleared. Fine again but it still never materialised.
I've reminded her twice more since then both times she's been very apologetic and said she's got a lot on and forgot.
I genuinely needed the money this weekend so I asked for it agin on Wednesday and told her what it was for. She promised to do it later and offered to bring me someg cash. I said either was fine as long as I had it by Saturday. On Friday it still wasn't there and she hadn't replied to texts about other things on Thursday. I asked one more time (nicely!). She relplied to the other things I'd asked but didn't mention the money. She did finally pay it in though. It's hard to explain but I felt like she was annoyed that I asked again.
It's taken so long to get it back I can't help but wonder whether I should have just let it go? I consider myself a generous person and if she genuinely couldn't afford it I'd have left it, but she didn't say that. Also id have no problem buying things for her DD if she didnt have the money- but the thing is I didnt even actually lend it to her, it was just for convenience!
I just feel a bit guilty now for going on at her. It was my fault for forgetting at the time. Plus is true that she has a lot on- no more than anyone else to be honest but she's quite a stressy person and she feels things hard.
Should I have let it go?
Apologies for typos. My phone does some weird autocorrects!
No! She asked you to pick stuff up, knowing she didn't have the cash and was taking the piss. The "I'll have to scrape something together" for you is emotional blackmail. I've seen me give friends £5 or even £10 if they're desperate and I've got it and not expect it back, but I make that clear at the time. Tell her to give your money back and stop being a dick.
You have nothing to feel guilty about she sounds like she's trying to take advantage of you.
I'd cut back on favours for her in future. And definitely no favours around money lending.
"she feels things hard"? So her feelings are somehow more than other people's?
You did her a favour by getting things for her - otherwise she would have had to go and do it herself. IT shouldn't then take several months, and you being made to feel bad before she bothered to pay you back, it should have been there the next day, and probably rounded up to the next pound as a thank you for the effort.
Anything else is her taking advantage. Funny how she isn't feeling the shame of that, though.
YANBU she is! What she's done is really rude. I'd be mortified if a friend had to ask me more than once to repay a debt.
YANBU. She should feel bad, not you.
Please don't ever buy her stuff without getting the money in advance.
Sounds like she was deliberately avoiding paying you back and was then sulking that you weren't falling for her emotional blackmail. "I'll try to scrape some together for you" is so manipulative. She should be apologising for taking so long to pay you back not begrudging doing it (especially as you were doing her a favour in the first place).
I bet she doesn't 'forget' to pay her mortgage/rent, or her credit cards - because she knows there will be consequences if she does. She thought if she stalled long enough you'd let her off. You've got nothing to feel guilty about - she should have prioritised paying you back right away.
The fact that you had to ask her more than once for your money back suggests that she was quite happy for you to be put in the awkward position of being out of pocket and having to start the difficult conversation. She had no intention of paying you back IMO, if you hadn't been persistent you'd never have seen that money again.
No, you definitely shouldn't have let it go. DH has had similar issues with lending money in the past and it makes me really cross when people take the piss following his generosity.
If she's annoyed with you she's not your friend. Gf's you were doing her a favour not only with doing the shopping but for taking their DD out for them. I'd be willing to bet she takes the piss in other ways too if you think about it.
I've had this with a family member and now trot out "i'm not sure i've got enough in my account to cover that, if you transfer it now though i can get it for you" and there is no awkward asking for it repeatedly. I only "lend" money in that way that I can afford to not get back. My worst mistake was taking out a joint gym membership with a friend, that she had to transfer me £45 a month for. 1st month fine, never got another and got so so sick of asking her every bloody month for it. I'd never ask someone to get something for me without paying.
She has taken advantage of your good nature, funny how she's short of cash and then relies on you to pay. Next time try to nip it in the bud by replying that you haven't got any cash either and don't give in.
If I'd borrowed money I wouldn't conveniently forget about it - in fact it would be at the forefront of my mind and I'd want to pay it back asap because I'd feel awkward. Your friend has no such scruples. No need to be unkind but you mustn't be used in this way.
How much was it?
You are never going to get this money back.
She is completely in the wrong, even though she is making you feel like you are being unreasonably banks asking.
I would end a friendship over this, but I'm not sure if that's an overreaction (I just would not want to spend any more time with this person)
Thanks for the replies.
She is usually lovely, very caring and always emotionally supportive. I know she will have genuinely forgotten to pay at least once. I can be guilty of that myself- I forgot to pay another friend for a weekend away we'd booked before Christmas. She had to ask twice. I was mortified and it was a genuine mistake.
It was £40 quid so not a huge amout. I could have lived without it.
£40 quid is not a huge amount and I would be inclined to think that of I had lent that to someone and never seen them again, it would have been a good use of the cash.
You did her a favour and YOU'RE somehow in the wrong? Shes not a friend
We once loaned a so called friend £2000 for a business he was setting up. Gave us a story about waiting for a bank loan coming through and he would repay us in 2 weeks. Surprise, surprise, all a load of bollocks. We got dribs and drabs over the course of 2 months until I threatened him with the small claims court. He was really arsey when he gave me the balance, still about £1000, as if I had a cheek asking for it back!
It later transpired that he has a gambling addiction and had also borrowed £300 from each of 10 other friends with a similar cock and bull story! Moral of the story, never lend anything you can't afford to give away!
I think £40 is quite a bit to owe someone. I would expect it to be paid back- it's not like it's a fiver.
OTOH my bf borrowed £30 off my husband as she didn't have her purse at school...Unless he asks her for it, which is unlikely, I'll just write that off because we can afford it and she contributes to our friendship in other ways.
I have had friends like this. The only option is not to lend them money unfortunately. I'm very generous with friends and happy to lend if I have it or even gift money if I know they're short. But people who borrow then make it a chore to get it back or don't pay it back full stop I don't lend to again.
I could live without £40 but that's more than I'd be likely to spend on a Christmas/birthday gift for even a good friend. She's a pisstaker. After this length of time a decent friend would be repaying without complaint and giving you flowers to apologise.
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