To leave?(68 Posts)
Bit of background info. I am a single parent and currently have quite a good job. I'm not particularly well off but I am comfortable. I have one DD who is currently in year 11. We live in quite an affluent area (got a mortgage at the right time!) and I have worked extremely hard to put my daughter through private education. She is in the process of doing her GCSE's and has recently informed me that she wants to get a job instead of doing her A levels or going to university. I informed her that she cannot leave full time education until she's 18 to which she replied that she will just do a health and social course. I am not a snob by any means but health and social courses are notoriously easy and looked down upon. She plans to just go into full time office work which she believes doesn't require many qualifications. I keep encouraging her to take a more ambitious path but she does not have the motivation. I cant help but feel disappointed as like I said, my neighbours and friends are affluent so their children are all aspiring to go to oxbridge or other universities, and want to take A Levels. To add an extra layer of complication, she wants to live with her Dad 2 hours away. I have never liked the idea of her moving in with him but am starting to think that maybe she should go. I have just recently paid off my mortgage and am thinking of selling if DD decides to move out. I lived in Malaysia for 2 years when I was 25 and am thinking that I may try to sell my house and move back there as I loved it.
Advice please xx
I wouldnt leave my 16 year old daughter to live thousands of miles away.
She is a teen. Teens dont always make the best decisions. What if it doesnt work out at her dads? Do you really want to rarely see her?
It sounds like you want to run away so you don't have to tell your neighbours that you dd doesnt want further education.
I informed her that she cannot leave full time education until she's 18 to which she replied that she will just do a health and social course
I thought you could leave before 18 so long as you have a job to go? Has that changed?
YABU, btw. It's tough when you've made a lot of sacrifices for someone but there's no point trying to force her down a path she doesn't want to follow.
She can always take A levels later if the spirit moves.
Wait until she's 18 before considering leaving the country, even if she does make choices you don't agree with/lives with her dad. I made a bad choice regarding my education at that age, I still have a degree in a 'good' subject when I chose to go. She's still a kid really, be there for her as much as possible until she's actually an adult.
If I moved I would still see her quite often, especially for the first year. I have lightly mentioned the subject of moving abroad WITH her to which she has refused. Her dad is happy for her to stay but I have not told him that I may move abroad. If it doesn't work out at her Dad's then that's her fault as she has chosen to move, but it is highly unlikely to not work out as she sees her Dad every weekend anyway and they are very close.
If she's desperate to leave full time education now, could she consider an apprenticeship? I think you can do one in accountancy. Might be worth it.
I was pushed into going to college at 16, which I didn't want to do, and I made a complete mess of it and left with next to no A-level qualifications. Despite the fact I got 13 A*-C GCSEs so was perfectly capable of studying - I just didn't want to.
I later studied to be an accountant at evening classes whilst working and got my qualifications that way. It's really suited me and increased my job prospects and earning potential.
With regards to moving... could you maybe take a long trip first instead? Take a 3 month rental out there or something and get a taste of the life?
Could you afford to move to Malaysia without selling the house?
The problem is that I can't really take a longhaul trip when my DD is living at home as if she stayed with her dad she would not be able to get to school as he lives so far away.
You do realise that if she goes to live with her dad and you immediately sell up and emigrate that she'll see it as your totally rejecting her?
She's a teenager. They're (often) hard work & make poor decisions. But that's part of their growing up process. It's your job as a parent to support her, advise her and be there. Not walk (miles) away when she tries to assert her independence.
I'd hang around for a bit yet. The grass is always greener when you're 16, she may well be back.
Go for it when she's a bit older though.
I could probably just scrape by without selling our house, but I could not live comfortably as Malaysia is very expensive. It makes more sense to sell if I know I am going to be moving permanently. My parents (DD's grandparents) are actually currently living in Spain so I wouldn't really be leaving my parents behind. DD's other grandparents live near her dad so she would still have a stable family unit even If I decide to leave. The only thing that is holding me back is my daughter and she wants to leave so I feel like this is a good opportunity?
You sound really hard.
Your daughter needs now - in just two or three years' time you'll be free to do whatever you want.
How are her GCSEs going? Just because you've paid for her education it doesn't mean she's brighter than students in state schools. Is she likely to get the A and B grades she needs for A levels?
Why did you think she might want to go to university? Has she shown any interest in academic work?
What are her interests and talents?
Let her decide. She may well come back round to it. I know lots of people who weren't ready for uni etc straight out of school, including me! I went in my 20ies instead.
Tbh your post is all about you, what you want to do with your life and what your neighbours will think of her career choices. Fine, but that can't be her main influence...It isn't fair and you can't expect her to understand.
There's a big difference between health and social courses and office work - why did she mention both of them?
I really can't imagine moving that far away from my 16 yr old. What's wrong with waiting? And as for 'if it doesn't work it is her own fault'...Just wow.
She has time yet to develop motivation.
But remember - the most important people in society are the people lower down the ladder. The farmhands and fruit pickers and delivery drivers and food processing plant workers and shop assistants and, yes, care workers. The people that do the work that supports the entire society that we are living in. Break that chain and we are fucked.
Good bless the people that work in these and similar areas so that you can live your ambitious life knowing you will have your needs met.
Don't you think everyone in society is valuable, Bewty?
She mentioned the health and social course as she sees it as a bit of a doss course that she can use to just waste time with. I know I'm coming across as harsh but I'm in a very emotionally draining situation at the moment. My daughter up until year 9 was strongly academic - she considered dentistry and excelled at pretty much all of her subjects. Other students were a very positive influence surprisingly. She is doing 10 GCSES and at the start of year 10 she was predicted A*'s in all of them (except for Maths) but in her most recent school report the teachers have told me she is unlikely to attain these grades. She has refused to attend revision sessions and intervention sessions, rarely revises and rarely does her homework. I do not feel that she is smarter because she is in private education - she is quite naturally intelligent and academic which she has proven in the past but she has not been applying herself. I have tried everything to encourage her. When I ask her why she isn't revising etc. she just says that she's 'sick of school' which to me is very immature. She has a solid friend group so I don't think there's any issues in that department. Her main hobby is dance (which she does not want to pursue as a career) but she does very normal teenager things like going out with friends etc.
What are her strengths? What does she enjoy? What is she good at?
Bewty, I am not trying to undermine the people who do these jobs. I come from an EXTREMELY working class background which is why I want my daughter to make informed decisions about her future.
I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket regards Malaysia. It's a long way home if you need to get back for your daughter. Your UK passport should let you stay out there for 6 months at a time. You could still sell your property here and buy a smaller place in the UK and a holiday place in Malaysia that way if the political or economic situation ever changes in Malaysia you still have something to come back to in the UK
This was one of the reasons I never considered private education for DS - it would have been doable but only just and my biggest concern was that it would put pressure on him to excel - I honestly knew I would be disappointed if we had spent all that money and he ended up with the attitude of your DD.
Agree with other PP's, please don't leave now, your DD will see it as rejection and confirm that she is a disappointment to you - it could end your relationship
Can't you table moving for a couple of years? Let her go live with her dad and get a taste of 'the real world' without qualifications. I have a feeling she'll be ready to move back with you to go back to school or start school near her dad.
I just think you should wait until she's had time to try what she wants and sees if the grass was really greener.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.