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Genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable about this.

(43 Posts)
AchingBack Sun 12-Mar-17 12:50:44

Dh's friend's mum has recently died, funeral later this week. Dh just dropped into conversation that he is planning to go to it to support his friend-normally I wouldn't bat an eyelid however he's currently on a fixed term contract with work, finishes at the end of this month, works several hundred miles away and has to drive down every week (we're Yorkshire, job is not far out of London) which obviously costs quite a lot in petrol.
We've got hardly any savings as we used them when he was out of work before taking this contract, coupled with us literally having less than £400 in bank to last us until his next (and last) payday.

When he told me he was planning to drive home for the funeral my immediate reaction in my head was wtf surely we can't afford that?! Surely he doesn't need to drive the 3.5 hours back home to go to the service and then the 3.5 hours back to be a good friend...purely for the fact we can't afford it and the money he would spend on the petrol getting there and back would be better spent elsewhere. I could and would attend the funeral in his place to represent him (I'm also friends with his friend, albeit to a lesser extent) but am I being unreasonable thinking this?

KoalaDownUnder Sun 12-Mar-17 12:53:19


Funerals are important and if your DH is the closer friend and feels he should be there, you should respect that.

ChasedByBees Sun 12-Mar-17 12:58:33

You can't send a delegate to a funeral! Sorry but YABU.

BlondeBecky1983 Sun 12-Mar-17 12:59:34


Justwantcookies Sun 12-Mar-17 13:02:48

Yanbu. Your husbands friend is a grown adult and I'm sure will have plenty of family there to support him. It's not usual to be given time off to go to your adult friends mums funeral.

Only reason it would be reasonable tbh is if his friend was literally the only person going.

WhisperedLoudest Sun 12-Mar-17 13:03:27


PageNowFoundFileUnderSpartacus Sun 12-Mar-17 13:04:58

YABU but I sympathise with the money worries. I know when I've been panicking about making ends meet then it's dangerously easy to slip into the mindset of giving everything a monetary value, not because you're mercenary or heartless but just because money worries become all-consuming.

If it's a case that the petrol money would make such a difference that you literally wouldn't be able to eat or meet mortgage/rent, as opposed to having to do a bit more belt tightening, would he consider looking at a cheaper alternative method e.g. Megabus, if the timings would work?

youwouldthink Sun 12-Mar-17 13:09:06

Somethings are far more important than money

ZilphasHatpin Sun 12-Mar-17 13:10:52

Yep YABU. Funerals are rarely convenient! It's just one of those things. He should go. It's for his friend.

Isadora2007 Sun 12-Mar-17 13:12:30

Did he grow up with his friend? The reason I ask is that my best friends mum was like an auntie to me growing up and her funeral wasn't just about my friend but also my own respect and love for her...

ZilphasHatpin Sun 12-Mar-17 13:12:52

How much will the journey cost in fuel? Could he or you do/ find a bit of extra work to make up the cost?

JustSpeakSense Sun 12-Mar-17 13:15:20


CashelGirl Sun 12-Mar-17 13:17:07

I am with the YABU crowd. If he has made that choice then you you will have to support it. Be thankful that you have a man who is emotionally intelligent and ready to support his friend.

AchingBack Sun 12-Mar-17 13:17:22

Thanks everyone. I had a feeling I was being unreasonable guess I'm just hyperfocussing on the money like Page said, with the extra cost of getting to interviews and the like we're really stretched and I'm starting to panick about it all but we'll just have to put the extra petrol on the credit card. Glad I asked on here.

Unfortunately the megabus suggestion wouldn't work for him page but thanks for that suggestion too.

Iwantausername Sun 12-Mar-17 13:17:42

You're genuinely not sure if appointing yourself as his delegate at a funeral would be unreasonable? :s :s :s

AchingBack Sun 12-Mar-17 13:18:02

No he didn't isadora, he's never met her.

SharkInTheSurf Sun 12-Mar-17 13:19:35

Your husbands friend is a grown adult and I'm sure will have plenty of family there to support him

In the nicest possible way that is an ignorant comment. Not everyone has any family at all, let alone plenty

PageNowFoundFileUnderSpartacus Sun 12-Mar-17 13:19:41

No worries OP, hope your DH finds a good job soon and your money worries ease off ASAP. It's a horrible situation to be in.

AchingBack Sun 12-Mar-17 13:20:11

Iwantausername I wasn't appointing myself, I'll be at the funeral either way, I just wasn't sure if it was necessary for him to duck out of work too considering the distance and cost.
Obviously it's about more than money and I was very close to loosing sight of that.

AchingBack Sun 12-Mar-17 13:22:19

Thanks Page, it took him ages to get this fixed term one which I think is making me more panicked about it all. We had our savings last time but havent been able to build them back up which is making me worry more I think. It'll all work out in the end though I'm sure.

Thanks again everyone.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 12-Mar-17 13:24:07

I don't think she is bu.

If they can't afford it then they can't afford it.

EdmundCleverClogs Sun 12-Mar-17 13:26:34

Well I don't think your unreasonable OP, especially since he never met her.

Of course your husband wants to support his friend, but on the day itself I'm not actually sure how much he could do. Immediate family usually are busy with other people on the actual day, your husband would probably be better supporting his friend after the day itself (I found afterwards your emotions 'crash' as you've been holding it together until after the funeral).

I can see how it's a difficult situation, but I also know how one bad day with money can hurt you for months.

Bottlesoflove Sun 12-Mar-17 13:35:24

Having lost a brother myself, and having had a good friend lose a brother you are bu.

I didn't "expect" or anticipate people travelling great distances to support me but many did, and I was so grateful for their support.

Also if your dp actually wants to go, I really wouldn't try and stop him. Work were funny about me taking the day off at first for my friends dear bro's funeral, but there was no way they were going to stop me going, as she was a lifelong friend and I wanted to be there for her. If your dp wasn't fussed about going, then fair enough. But he actually wants to go so I think you would bu to try and stop him. As pps have said, some things are more important than money.

Sgtmajormummy Sun 12-Mar-17 13:51:31

You are absolutely NBU. DH's friendship and support in the coming months are what he should be considering and something his friend will remember, not just his face among others at the funeral.
If you go and tell him gently that your husband "would have wanted to be there but couldn't" it might be a kind gesture.

I say that as someone who has had two important funerals recently. I couldn't tell you half the people who went.

AchingBack Sun 12-Mar-17 13:54:01

Thanks Needs and Edmunds, that was kinda where my thought train came from. He'll have his wife, adult children and brothers and sisters there plus wider family. Dh helped him clear out the house last week and I've spent time listening to him talking about things too when dh was away so we are supporting him and will continue to do so. If things wasn't so tight financially and if his job wasn't finishing I wouldn't have thought anything about it.

Bottlesoflove I too didn't expect or anticipate friends coming to support me when my sister died, and I was really touched by those of whom who did. I would have hated to think that they did so using money that they couldn't afford though.
Regardless though I've already accepted it's about more than just money for dh.

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