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to be feeling like i have no say in my life

(135 Posts)
bluespringtime Sun 12-Mar-17 07:30:19

A lot has happened this last year, first of all can I make it clear I do sort of love my child, any issues I have with parenting him are my fault not his and so I don't show it. He is happy I think and well cared for and in any case my husband is a brilliant dad.

So a lot happened this last year, I had been in my job a year when I got pregnant in June 2015 and I loved it, really sad though that sounds but we had just moved to the area so didn't really know anyone. So work colleagues became good friends, we would have nights out and coffees and chats. I was a teacher, it was a lovely school, lovely children.

Obviously once I was pregnant there were no more nights out, I was very ill and went on maternity leave early. I found it all very difficult, the days were long and I was so lonely. Husband worked long hours. I think I was a bit depressed.

I went back to work in September but there was a new head, department had changed, it was different. I was sleeping badly and felt on the back foot all the time as I was part time, keptmissing important information. Had a bad lesson obs in October, what followed felt like I was constantly on alert people "dropping in" children saying they had been asked how much homework I set. Another bad lesson obs in November and the head asked me if I wanted to leave at Christmas, or go on capability, I obviously agreed to leave. Hubby very supportive. Said I was stretching myself too thin.

He thinks next month to try for another baby and wants to emigrate. I am torn. I've no real reason to stay but then I don't feel I want to go either. I have to ask formoney all the time I hate it. I just feel like I'velost everything that made me who I was and I don't feel I like this new me. I am grumpy defensive tired and angry. But I don't know how to stop!

Alaia5 Sun 12-Mar-17 07:35:16

Sorry you're feeling trapped OP. Whether you stay here or go abroad, you should not have to be asking your husband for money though. You have a child together. Do you not have joint accounts?

bluespringtime Sun 12-Mar-17 07:37:54

We do but I can't just go out and buy clothes or makeup, knowing I put some of the money there, I have to ask first and I hate it.

Alaia5 Sun 12-Mar-17 07:46:13

Does he ask you before he spends money though?
Why does he want to go abroad?

hiccupgirl Sun 12-Mar-17 07:47:44

If you're feeling trapped by your current situation then I really wouldn't have a second baby and emigrate as you will be even more reliant than you currently are.

I know you might not be able to get a permanent teaching job after leaving under a cloud, but can you find a short term contract or look at one to one tutoring? Something that means you are earning for yourself again and don't feel so trapped.

sabzii Sun 12-Mar-17 07:48:02

I was in a similar position to you. Difficult, lonely pregnancy due to illness (housebound for most of it). Then PND and felt overwhelmed when went back to work PT.

We then moved (to different part of country) and it was best thing could have done! I also had a new GP and went on Sertraline. My mood lifted and the stress/anxiety/irritability faded away.
I went to lots of groups and mums meet ups in new town, now have an active social life. My new friends are more suited to current lifestyle than my old work friends, as they're all SAHMs with toddlers, lots of free time for day trips, walks, coffee mornings etc. We help each other out a lot.
I work one day a week, in a less stressful job.

Where does your DH want to emigrate to? How do you feel about that? Do you have any local friends or a support network where you are?

bluespringtime Sun 12-Mar-17 07:49:56

No. We would struggle to afford childcare. even teaching part time I was only just breaking even with childcare and other costs. We have a big mortgage. DH wants to move to Canada. I have no one here. So might as well in some ways. Just feels like I have no other choice.

thethoughtfox Sun 12-Mar-17 07:59:04

You could do tutoring out there or look for a part time or other post out there. Look into if it is feasible now. If you don't like not having your own income, don't move to a country where you will find it hard to ever work.

Imamouseduh Sun 12-Mar-17 08:01:28

What's an obs?

bluespringtime Sun 12-Mar-17 08:08:24

I can't thoughtfox. I've no one to look after DS for tutoring and, part time posts are never advertised, ever.Obs lesson observation.

isthistoonosy Sun 12-Mar-17 08:09:57

Obs is observation class

Can you look for tutoring work maybe even using skype?

Will your teaching cert be useable in Canada? What will or could improve by moving?

pluck Sun 12-Mar-17 08:12:56

Leaving the emigration aside for the moment, please don't have another baby. You are not enotionally or socially ready, and it will put you further "behind." Have a coil put in if you think it will be difficult to stay consistent. (In any case, your existing child is only tiny!)

You need time and space and care to "catch up."

bluespringtime Sun 12-Mar-17 08:13:35

I can't tutor, I've no one to look after DS. Anyway it's not just that. I'm not really looking for work solutions, realistically theres not much I can do about that. I just feel I've no sort of say in what happens. DS has to just go along with what I decide, and I feel like that with DH.

WipsGlitter Sun 12-Mar-17 08:22:13

Will you not be able to work as a teacher again?

I think you need to
See your gp re depression
Talk to your DP re money - maybe have a wee pot just for you
Does your union offer careers help?

bluespringtime Sun 12-Mar-17 08:24:08

Well I haven'tbeen struck off or anything but Id have to get a newjob, it would be full time as like I say part time jobs just aren't really advertised, snd I don't think I could manage this, so realistically it will be a while before I can work again.

Headofthehive55 Sun 12-Mar-17 08:24:51

I think your confidence has been knocked. Can you find another job to rebuild your confidence? Even if it's full time and outside teaching. It will help in the short term. You are struggling from loss of power in the household.

Bansteadmum Sun 12-Mar-17 08:24:53

Sorry you left your job in those circumstances.

Given your MH at the moment your H is very wrong to be pressuring you to do something as huge as emigrate. Getting well again, and back to WoH if that's what you want, seems the priority.

You should have full access to family money: if your H won't set this up he is financially abusive.

Bansteadmum Sun 12-Mar-17 08:26:09

It's a shame you agreed to leave, as it sounds like you might have been discriminated against at work.

Headofthehive55 Sun 12-Mar-17 08:26:22

Sometimes heads just don't want part timers. It may have been an easy way to remove you.

Bansteadmum Sun 12-Mar-17 08:26:58

Your H could look after DS, or he could help organise childcare.

bluespringtime Sun 12-Mar-17 08:27:04

Head, the problem is childcare sad another job wouldn't pay as well and tbh we were only just breaking even with teaching 3 days a week as then we had to run 2 cars, petrol costs, working wardrobe etc.So we're no better off.

bluespringtime Sun 12-Mar-17 08:27:34

How Banstead,hes working?

Bansteadmum Sun 12-Mar-17 08:28:48

You need to take account of the medium and long term, not just short term childcare costs. Teaching is good re childcare costs because of the holidays, but you could do other things too.

Do you want to be financially dependent on your husband? If not - many women do not - then looking into WoH options seems important.

Bansteadmum Sun 12-Mar-17 08:30:18

Your H is a parent too, so is equally responsible for parenting. Many couples manage working hours - often compromising (eg number of hours, limiting travel, starting early ir staying late) to share parenting, or organise childcare together.

bluespringtime Sun 12-Mar-17 08:30:30

Don't know where I'd start working from home, honestly. Allthat seems available is that awful unique stuff and I'm not getting into that. The point is I feel like my life ran away from me somehow and I don't know how to get it back!

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