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To ask about your parents and discipline?

(132 Posts)
Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sun 12-Mar-17 00:09:02

And how you feel about them/their parenting style?

I was a child of the 80s and my parents either locked me in my room alone (usually not knowing what I'd done wrong) or hit me - open hand, wooden spoon or belt. Not so that it left bruises but it was pretty unpleasant.

I resent them hugely for this now, don't have a good relationship with DM (DF isn't in the picture) and their discipline style didn't have the desired consequences - I rebelled a lot as a teenager.

How did your parents discipline and do you feel like this has changed your relationship in a positive or negative way?

Thanks for any sharing.

LoupGarou Sun 12-Mar-17 00:14:32

flowers OP its very hard to come to terms with having crap parents.

My parents were extremely abusive. I left home at sixteen and went no contact with them at the same time. I escaped as soon as I could, planned it for ages too. I haven't spoken to them since I left, a lot of years ago now.

gluteustothemaximus Sun 12-Mar-17 00:18:22

Smacked. Silent treatment. Put in a corner, not allowed to talk. Shouted at. Lots more.

Left home at 15. And NC now.

Never will I let my kids feel what I did. They are very well behaved, not a smack, or shout, or punishment in sight.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sun 12-Mar-17 00:18:31

Loup, that is so awful. I'm so glad you got out of there. I'll never understand how people can do that to their own children.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sun 12-Mar-17 00:20:33

I forgot about the silent treatment, gluteus. The other day I was at the drs office and there was a sign saying that's classed as abuse now. It's nice to see people spreading the word.

PickAChew Sun 12-Mar-17 00:21:06

Child of the 70s. Sometimes slapped with open hand, but never with an object and never locked in a room.

That never bothered me and it stopped when I stood up and glared back, aged 12. I did get really annoyed by my dad calling me lazy because I was actually knuckling down and doing a proper good job of O level and A level homework, instead of going out to work or doing loads of housework (I did housework, anyhow, ffs!) It was just so far out of his own life experience that he couldn't deal with the cognitive dissonance.

We're all getting on a bit, now and so much more chilled. He actually grew to fear me a little because I reminded him of his mum, who was very stern.

I think in my case, my parents were acting on their own generational and class based examples. In your case, it sounds plain abusive and there's no wonder you feel resentments flowers

Cantseethewoods Sun 12-Mar-17 00:22:43

Born 1976. Usually just got told off/ yelled at. Occasionally smacked ( open hand on butt cheek/ legs) but only for pretty major stuff. Always knew why I was getting punished and always immediate, then forgiven and forgotten. I don't think of any of it negatively now.

LoupGarou Sun 12-Mar-17 00:26:39

Thanks Iwas

TheUnicorns Sun 12-Mar-17 00:27:44

My parents were teen parents - I raised them more than they did me so don't recall a huge amount of discipline. They were busy amongst themselves with my mams mental health so I just kept myself to myself and then when old enough was just never in the house. Left when I was 15.

I do remember my dad smacking me on the arse a couple of times. Lost a lot of respect for him after that. I also remember him smacking my little brother once, he gave him three hits and my brother was only 3 or 4 at the time and sounded really distressed. I lost my shit, pushed dad away from us both and screamed he was a grown man and was hurting a child. He never did it again.

Generally they were fine, just inexperienced.

Miniwookie Sun 12-Mar-17 00:28:30

80s Lots of shouting. Occasional smack on the legs. I'm fine with it tbh. I was shown a lot of love and affection most of the time, but my mum was on a bit of a short fuse. I am too shouty with my kids and am working hard not to, but find it really, really hard.

Miniwookie Sun 12-Mar-17 00:29:46

Have an very good relationship with parents now I should add. They are loving and supportive.

Moreisnnogedag Sun 12-Mar-17 00:40:02

Child of the 80s. Dad had a fierce temper and we used to get hidings with open hand or slipper. Honestly though we have a great relationship and are extremely close as a family. I don't get any feelings of angst looking back at all.

Coastalcommand Sun 12-Mar-17 00:41:27

Sent to my room. Grounded. Very occasional gentle smack. Nothing bad really. The scariest was she'd count down from five if I had to stop doing something or tell the truth. I don't know what would happen if we'd got to 0 as I always gave in before she got to 3.That was in the 80s.

Pallisers Sun 12-Mar-17 00:46:47

I grew up in the 60s/70s. My parents never hit us (I think my dad would have felt he was disgraced forever if he had hit a child - he walked out of the room when I yelled at my son because he couldn't bear it - my dad was a lovely gentleman) and we didn't get punishments much either - we were told if we did wrong as in my mother would really tell us and then that was that and we did it better the next time. I think my mother would have felt herself disgraced forever if the power of her personality wasn't enough to discipline a child.

Probably more conflict during my sister's teenage years (I was an easy teen) but still more a bit of shouting/confrontation/arguing. Don't remember any consequences like grounding etc.

I rear my children in the same way. I don't punish anyone. I don't want to punish anyone. no slapping, no naughty step, just occasional outbursts when someone had to be put in their room to be quiet because they were hurting other people, a bit of shouting to get people to put on their clothes, that kind of thing.

They are teens now - one is 20 actually - and are basically nice, decent, well mannered, love us, love each other and still battle some crap in their lives just like everyone does.

It isn't perfect and I think parents with more standard discipline etc might be doing better - or not - but I hate the words punishment and discipline and could never imagine using them with one of my children. I was reared without punishment and I was fine.

FreeNiki Sun 12-Mar-17 02:36:06

smacked an awful lot. The same punishment was given for every misdeed even where no fault was there.

Things like spilling a drink on a floor, not hearing the door bell because I had a walkman on and mum had forgotten her keys, things like that got a slap around the head. I might as well.have behaved badly as I got slapped for nothing anyway.

the rage was bad too. when not hitting she would get right up in your face, snarl at you through gritted teeth or scream and point right in your face. She would invade your personal space and charged up to me to scream and point in my face and i was against a wall as she did so. i told her to get out my face and she screamed no.

she was utterly useless.

GenerationYmember Sun 12-Mar-17 03:02:20

I got smacked a lot by my dad, often a clip round the ear (i.e a smack on my forehead...) and I suffered a lot of verbal abuse. I was only born in '94 so this happened well into the 2000s hmm

I didn't deserve any of this, if he was in a foul mood he would take it out on me (I'm an only child) especially if I did something minor wrong like forgetting to take the bins out.

Dad was pretty much a stay at home dad (he worked nights during the weekend) so he always abused me when my was mum at work during the week. He died when I was 13 and I know this sounds awful but I count my blessings every single day that he died then as I no longer had to live my life in fear of his temper.

My mum doesn't know any of this, I can't tell her because it will ruin her good memories of my dad and I can't take that away from her, she loved him dearly.

My mum was the best mum in the world, she never laid a finger on me and I have an amazing relationship with her.

0urKid Sun 12-Mar-17 03:12:26

My dad died when I was 9. I loved him but didn't miss the open hand hard smacks he handed out for any minor offence. My mum rarely hit us but when she did she would go way OTT. She once battered me with a can of soup about the head as it was the wrong kind. I'd been to get the shopping after the birth of my sister. I was 10. I also rescued my baby sister from her on more than one occasion and locked us in my room as she pounded on the door to get to us. Looking back now I know it's because of the abuse she suffered at the hands of my (now ex) stepfather. Not that that excuses it but for my own sanity I've had to forgive her. She could be tyrannical.

ElizaDontlittle Sun 12-Mar-17 03:12:51

I was smacked a lot, mostly by my mum. Usually in real rage and multiple times. And a few other things that I still struggle to talk about. The worst was if she felt I had criticised her. She shouted a lot.

She's dead now - and our relationship was close and really complicated. We never really discussed things and I became a very secretive and at times dysfunctional adult.

Am doing ok now, time and space have helped. Tho I miss her, I'm glad not to have to deal with her. It does feel like (very mild I'm sure, I've not been in a warzone or an abusive relationship) trauma.

RaeSkywalker Sun 12-Mar-17 03:58:00

Occasionally smacked with an open hand on my bum, always warned first. Usually sent to my room (never locked in). Also had things confiscated/ thrown away. I feel ok about it now, but am very anti-smacking.

flowers to those who have suffered. The only 'discipline' incident that still affects me is when my uncles watched DB and I for a couple of hours. One of them smacked me around the back of the head, very hard, with no warning- for a minor misdemeanour. I would've been about 7. I still feel awful about it now and would never leave DS with him. The other day, he made a comment to my grandad about how I haven't made an effort to visit him since DS was born!

Oblomov17 Sun 12-Mar-17 04:45:53

Child of the 70's. Was never smacked. Was never shouted at. Just because I never needed to be: I was a happy, compliant little thing and it never occurred to me to answer back because I never needed to. My mum is still the most loving, grounded, sensible person I know. We dont argue because there's nothing to argue about, but we are both strong people and enjoy having a difference of opinion!

I don't recognise most of the others posters situations. I find it hard to believe that such a huge % of the population lived this way.

In RL, none of the, say 40 people I knew at school lived that way. None of the 50 people I knew at uni did. None of the 100 or so people I've met, and know a tiny bit, in the last 10-15 years did.

A few had a very very occasional smack. When much younger.

I feel like I'm the odd one out on this thread. And that's a bit sad.

nursebickypegs Sun 12-Mar-17 04:57:14

I'm a child of the 80s (born 1985) and my parents were really reasonable in the forms of punishment. I was never spanked or grounded, rather we sat down and had a conversation about what I did wrong and why, and how I can make it up to them. However my mum had a huge temper and would often fly off the handle for the littlest of things!

RonaldMcDonald Sun 12-Mar-17 05:10:05

Mine were violent, changeable volatile thin skinned.
My father was domestically highly abusive.
My mother unable to control her rage and at times seemed feral almost - and is still today if she feels trapped - even by her own actions, words, deeds, lies.
Her violence was harder to reconcile. Any slight mistake or slight she took personally would end in a really truly violent beating. She prided herself on her nails and manicures and therefore only beat us with 'things' as she didn't want to hurt her hands - her words.

I say hers was harder to reconcile because when she left him she got a huge amount of sympathy for having been an abused spouse.
We, as the children, were never asked or considered and we had no ability to leave. We were of course then left with her. She continued unchecked.

I am a talker. My children have never and never will be smacked or frightened by an out of control adult.
We have clear rules and boundaries. Actions and consequences are discussed and acknowledged but we rarely get there.
We listen to why or how things come about
We talk about feelings and emotions. My kids are thoughtful and make connections. I waited until I had a handle on my anger before having kids as I would never put that on someone else. Ruin something and someone else in that way.
I am lucky and so are they

HappyEverIftar Sun 12-Mar-17 05:31:46

Another child of the 80's and beatings were not irregular. Dad was in the forces and used to whack us with one of his marching boots if we'd stepped out of line. Once or twice a year he'd get so wound up by something me or DB had said/done he'd punch holes in the sitting room door/wall.

I don't really hate/blame him for this, what had more of an impact was on how we were always told to speak up if something or someone was wrong to be told when we did speak out, that we were telling tales. That continual drip feeding of mixed messages has had a bigger impact on my life as even now, I 'freeze'' when I have conflicting information and don't always understand the best way to process it, iyswim?

Other school friends had similar upbringings (one friend's mother used to turn her rings inwards before slapping her round the face) which still makes me feel shock.

EmeraldScorn Sun 12-Mar-17 05:49:41

I was born mid 80's and I was never smacked or abused in any way at home. My mum was (is) gentle and kind and the most in way of "punishment" that we ever got from her was being told off calmly but firmly.

My mum was born in the early 1950's and her parents were quite harsh and lacking in affection towards their children, a different generation I suppose.

School though, I'll always remember my first day of P1 and getting smacked by a nun - I was in an awful state and when I told my mum what had happened she was furious and not-so-gently informed Sister Augustus that if she ever lifted her hand to me again there would be trouble. I was only 4 and the nuns were not the nicest; My mum was caned regularly in school by the nuns and her mum always told her that the nuns were justified in their actions - It's "funny" the difference.

Honeyandfizz Sun 12-Mar-17 05:56:25

Born in 1977, I think smacking was a lot more prevalent back then. I would get my dm back hand up my mouth if I was cheeky or a slap on my legs. If I had done something really naughty it was left to my Dad to give us a large whack on the backside.

Funnily enough they are the most wonderful, kind, devoted parents. They have 7 grandkids now and wouldn't raise a finger to them. I think smacking was far more socially acceptable back then. I have never raised a hand to my 12 & 13 year old and they are polite, respectful kids.

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