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I hate (former) FIL giving my daughter gifts

(79 Posts)
user1489260705 Sat 11-Mar-17 20:02:47

Widowed Single Dad to 10 year old daughter.

Basically, former FIL gives my daughter 3 or 4 gifts every time he sees her and it winds me up.
Last time I got very annoyed about it and it upset family that I was annoyed - AIBU or is this a battle I need to fight?
I feel 1 small gift maximum would be a good compromise

Thanks in advance for advice

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sat 11-Mar-17 20:04:41

Why don't you approve? Are the gifts tat or gifts you would like to buy but maybe are out of your budget? Or do you feel he is trying to buy her affections?

StarlingMurderation Sat 11-Mar-17 20:05:21

I think you may be being unreasonable. Presumable ex-FIL has lost his daughter, since you're a widower? It's probably a mark of his grief and need to connect that he spoils your daughter. I know my dad is much the same with my dead brother's daughter - it may annoy her mother but she keeps it to herself if so.

onthettcbus Sat 11-Mar-17 20:07:05

I think you need to let it go, unless there is something wrong with the gifts. I wouldn't upset him, he's lost his daughter for gods sake, why shouldn't he spoil his grandchild? Your attitude is very strange.

ButtercupChain Sat 11-Mar-17 20:08:15

I am very sorry for lost your wife but i think YABVU. This is the man's grand daughter, I don't want to be harsh as you lost your wife and kudos to you for looking after your daughter, but cut the guy some slack! She's probably the only link he has to his daughter. sad

HirplesWithHaggis Sat 11-Mar-17 20:08:26

How often does FIL see his dgd? Every day/week, the gifts are excessive. Twice a year, not so much.

Kewcumber Sat 11-Mar-17 20:08:27

Does he see her once a week or once a year?

I assume he has lost his daughter as you have lost your wife - I can see the temptation to want to spoil his daughter's daughter.

Children aren't that easy to "spoil" if that's you're worried about. But saying "I worry that she will start to look forward more to the presents than to seeing you if you keep buying her so much" and suggest an activity together just the two of them which he could spend his money on would be better for both of them.

Single parent here too with similar age child and my mum takes DS to the football once a month(and no she doesn;t like football!)

EsmeeMerlin Sat 11-Mar-17 20:08:53

I think you are being a little unreasonable. Assuming he lost his daughter is understandable he wants to be close to her child and perhaps spoil her. Is it every week? How often does he see her?

Rainydayspending Sat 11-Mar-17 20:09:05

Suggest (gently) that he reduce to a gift and a savings fund (even just a £1 at a time).
I do sympathise. It can be overwhelming and multiple gifts she's likely to struggle to give the right level of thanks etc as stuff can lose meaning when you're swimming in it.
I imagine you're all overwhelmed by the loss and there's some attempt to compensate?
Focus on his time and how much you value that. Take the conversation slowly so it builds. Maybe he could "gift" a hobby/ enthusiasm (gardening, walks ) together?

SookiesSocks Sat 11-Mar-17 20:09:09

He is her grandad!
I think you need to let this one go.

troodiedoo Sat 11-Mar-17 20:10:42

It's understandable that he wants to spoil his granddaughter but also understandable that you find it annoying.

I don't think you can really ask him to cut down though.

How often are we talking here? Perhaps you could suggest outings/experiences rather than actual gifts? Going into the teen years these gifts are going to get pricier.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 11-Mar-17 20:11:41

How often does he see her?

Trifleorbust Sat 11-Mar-17 20:16:47

'Former' FIL? Bit harsh, like.

Sorry about your wife.

SaucyJack Sat 11-Mar-17 20:19:56

I'm waiting for the dripfeed.

RebelRogue Sat 11-Mar-17 20:24:05

It depends why you hate it,what the gifts are and how often.
On the info you provided YABU as this is a man who has lost his daughter,is also grieving and trying to connect with and spoil his granddaughter. While gifts aren't necessary maybe it gives him comfort or it's the only way he knows how.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen Sat 11-Mar-17 20:26:13

More info please as above

user1483387154 Sat 11-Mar-17 20:27:52

Sorry for your loss, I do think you are BU regarding the presents from your father inlaw for your daughter.

Lynnm63 Sat 11-Mar-17 20:27:58

Former fil? he's still your fil. Put yourself in his shoes imagine 25 years from now your precious 10 yr old is dead how much would you want to spoil her daughter? Unless there's a massive drip feed coming I think YABU. If it really annoys you could ask him to put the money into a savings account for driving lessons or Uni.

MycatsaPirate Sat 11-Mar-17 20:28:42


Your child should be wanting to see grandparents for seeing them not looking for gifts, which is what will end up happening.

How often does he see the child? And what sort of things are we talking about? I mean a small bag of sweets and a book or a punnet of favourite fruit is fine in my eyes but if it's every week and more than that then it just becomes ridiculous.

Maybe have a word with FIL and say, it's really kind of you, but you don't need to keep buying her things. She sees you because she loves you not what you can give her. If you really want to then why not open a savings account for her and put the money in there instead for her future?

Mrscaindingle Sat 11-Mar-17 20:29:47

Unless there is a huge backstory to this YABVU, how can anyone possibly comment without more facts? confused

steff13 Sat 11-Mar-17 20:29:56

Not exactly the same, but my dad died two weeks after my eldest son was born. My mom bought my son so many things. Clothes, toys, diapers, everything. It helped her to grieve, so we let it go. Which is what I think you should do, unless it's genuinely causing a problem.

ClaryIsTheBest Sat 11-Mar-17 20:38:38

Unless there is a backstory....? YABU.

Yes, he's your "former" FIL. But he is her dgrandfather...!

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 11-Mar-17 20:40:37

He is her grandfather,and it's incredibly harsh calling him your former FIL

WateryTart Sat 11-Mar-17 20:40:48

He's her grandfather. He's lost his daughter and is grieving. Wind your neck in, you sound horrible.

dowhatnow Sat 11-Mar-17 20:41:17

Some good advice above. Talk to him, express your concerns and channel his expressions of love in a different direction.

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