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Teenager being replaced

(97 Posts)
Beachhutsally Sat 11-Mar-17 19:23:39

Today 19:09 Beachhutsally

I'm fuming and sad .
My Dd - 14 has a small group of friends she hung out with for years.
Last Nov we went to Centre Parcs and took the four girls including Dd. It was around her birthday but wasn't a birthday trip. We had booked a three bed villa and had beds free. School had occasional day and we thought it would be nice for them all. We booked the weekend in July.
Anyway come Sept a new girl joins the school and is friends with two of the group including Dd.
Said girl came to our house for a sleepover and asked if she could come in the weekend. I explained about beds and CP don't allow extra guests. But I said to her and her mum they were welcome to come both come for the day.
But I said we often do trips etc she could come another time; after all we didn't even know her when we booked it. Girl was a bit glum
but I ignored that, thinking normal
Teenager but expected mother to understand.
Anyway roll forward to November and mum rings me about her daughter going to CPs. I explained about Day guests and gave her our booking number so she could book in . She would have had to pay the fee I think £35 (not sure). I also said we were happy to have her as long as mum/dad came too. This was our holiday too and while we were happy with four teenagers - five was a bit much.
Anyway the mum declined in the end as her and her husband were busy.
Well roll forward a few months and i
Obviously have upset them. The girl is no longer friend with Dd and completely blanks me when she sees me at pick up etc. I saw the mother at a coffee event and she was rude. I ignored .
Dd is now being replaced in the group by says girl. She invited them
all to do a sport with her and they are all
Sleeping over at her house . Dd does another sport and can't do this new sport too.
Anyway rambling now and probably not explaining well.
Please advice mr how do I and Dd deal with someone like this ?

Annesmyth123 Sat 11-Mar-17 19:27:04

Why have you started 2 threads?

Teenagers friendship groups are fluid.

What I was trying to type on your other thread and didn't because it sounded rude is that I'd have been annoyed at your telling my DD she was invited to centreparks but Finding out on the day it would cost me £35 and I had to go too. That's not really an invite. It would piss me off and I'd feel like my DD wasn't really welcome.

But my advice, fwiw, is not to get involved in teenage friendship spats like this

Beachhutsally Sat 11-Mar-17 19:28:37

Sorry haven't ever posted before didn't mean to post twice.
The other girl was invited to Centre Parcs. It was our holiday and we were taking three friends .
She asked to come .

Annesmyth123 Sat 11-Mar-17 19:31:07

You invited her for one day and asked her mum to come and pay for it

You'd have been better just saying no.

Your DD does another sport - that's your DD's choice, is there any way she can change her days for that sport to fit with the new sport?

Beachhutsally Sat 11-Mar-17 19:31:30

And it's not the other teenager I'm annoyed with it's her mother. She has invited the other girls several times now and left my daughter out. My daughter is still friends with the rest of the group . They have been friends for years.
I'm have never come across someone like this mum before to be honest . It's difficult to explain Ina thread.

Beachhutsally Sat 11-Mar-17 19:33:13

She asked to come I didn't invite her and initially I said no and we would take her to something else. Then the mother rang me and asked if she could come .
And yes the sport is my daughters choice , she is 14 she wouldn't do it otherwise .

Annesmyth123 Sat 11-Mar-17 19:37:38

You can't make her ask your daughter.

Beachhutsally Sat 11-Mar-17 19:41:49

I know I can't but she has invited the two other girls she is not friends with. It's hard to explain on here. I probably sound loopy.

Annesmyth123 Sat 11-Mar-17 19:43:02

But she can invite who she likes?

I'm sorry but I don't think there's any thing you can do and I don't really understand what you want them to?

Karmin Sat 11-Mar-17 19:52:16

You don't deal with it, you come across as overly involved in the friendships tbh

Just because your daughter and the other girl have mutual friends doesn't mean that they even need to talk to each other. If they are not friends she won't be invited by the other girl.

Step back and encourage your DD to find other non mutual friends

Beachhutsally Sat 11-Mar-17 19:56:35

Yes she can invite who she likes. But I would never leave one girl out on purpose when we booked the trip in July she wasn't at the school. We didn't know her. Had she given us a chance we would have included her too in future events.
Two of the girls in the group are not in her circle/classes at school but she has gone out of her way to invite them but excludes my daughter.

Annesmyth123 Sat 11-Mar-17 19:57:54

But she doesn't like your daughter ? So of course she's not going to invite her!

All you can do is encourage your DD to make other friends.

GatoradeMeBitch Sat 11-Mar-17 19:58:05

The thing is, even if your dd changed sport - would this girl allow her to sleepover?

You tried to accommodate her and it didn't work for them. It's petty for them to be angry with you - what did they expect you to do? But it is what it is.

If you want to smooth things over, maybe take your dd and this girl (if they are still friends) away overnight in Easter? Somewhere "braggable" like London? Of course it depends on budget/available time, etc, but with this girl's personality it will almost definitely pacify her.

Otherwise just leave it alone and see how things shake out. Teenagers change all the time, they might find something new to bond over next week...

booellesmum Sat 11-Mar-17 19:59:10

I completely get where you are coming from.
I have a 15 year old DD and the friendship traumas can be awful.
Unfortunately there is little you can do about this girl being petty and driving wedges.
All you can do is help your DD to cope with it. I would say try and stay friends with her old group but if they are not interested then they are not worth it.
At this age friendships do come and go.
She will find another friendship group given time.
Hope she is ok.

YouTheCat Sat 11-Mar-17 20:00:12

Leave it.

The mother and the girl are incredibly rude to try and invite themselves to your break in the first place.

Encourage your dd to find better friends.

Annesmyth123 Sat 11-Mar-17 20:01:24

I can't stand DD's best friend and I can't stand her parents. They were nasty to me at a time when I could have done with support, and their DD has done some things on my daughter and some other things that I am not happy about.

I'm cool with her parents if I see them at any social events and I won't have the DD in my house. If DD wants to see her and be friends with her that's up to her but I won't have her in my home.

I don't stop DD going out with her to events and I don't stop DD sleeping over at her house but I won't have her here.

I suppose you'd have issue with me too.

Underthemoonlight Sat 11-Mar-17 20:05:45

Sounds like shes a Wendy. That being said if your dd close friends had anything about them they would turn round and say what about "Jenny" surely we should include her in our group or they wouldn't go if the girl said she didn't want to include her.

Girls can be bitchy especially with a lot of hormones floating about. I would take a step back don't involve yourself with this mother and encourage your dd to extend her friendship circle.

errorofjudgement Sat 11-Mar-17 20:10:15

How horrible for your daughter.
And how kind of you to try to find a way for the other girl to join in the CP trip even though she (& then her mother) put you in the difficult position by asking if she can come.
If your DD is friends with the rest of the group then my advice would be to encourage your DD to continue those friendships and to have sleepovers etc as before. But not invite the entitied madam.
Hopefully the group will shake down next term, I assume your DD will be going into Y10 in September? IME (based on 3 DC) GCSE options often mean that classes and friendships change. Plus the girls do mature emotionally, so give it a little time.

Astro55 Sat 11-Mar-17 20:20:47

I was just going to say she's been kicked out by the cuckoo- this isn't so much about friendships as feelings - this girl and her mother know exactly what they are doing and will oust anyone who doesn't put their DD first! Her friends are excited by a new face and may or may not get bored by her!

Let DD continue the friendships but advise her not to say anything bitchy about the other girl - stay nutria

Beachhutsally Sat 11-Mar-17 23:14:01

Thank you everyone some good advice .

EyeStye Sat 11-Mar-17 23:18:49

So she joined school in sept and invited herself on planned holiday in Nov? Brass neck her and mother. Not nice but nothing you can but encourage DD to have a wide friendship group

CaspoFungin Sat 11-Mar-17 23:26:38

Well you said you would never leave just one girl one but you did when you didn't invite her to centre parcs. Because that's what happened, you "invited" her but only for one day and said her parents had to come probably knowing full well her parents wouldn't agree to that. If there were already 4 then 1 more wouldn't have made a difference. I You're getting a taste of your own medicine and I suspect you didn't invite this girl because you liked the friendship group as it was and were trying to prevent this girl becoming part of it.

Also, she's 15, surely it's her who decides who comes not her mum??

Nanny0gg Sat 11-Mar-17 23:37:29

Well you said you would never leave just one girl one but you did when you didn't invite her to centre parcs.

They didn't know her when the OP made the booking! She wasn't at the school!

Did you read the OP?

BlackeyedSusan Sat 11-Mar-17 23:44:16

you can only deal with your daughter. what can you do to help her? build up her confidence? teach her to look elsewhere for friends and widen her friendship circle, teach her how to deal with people who do react in different ways. etc, etc. It is really hard when your child is left out. sad

(i know the other girl was left out but that was because she arrived to the group late and the place was already booked?)

JoJoSM2 Sat 11-Mar-17 23:52:35

Since the girl only just joined the school, I think the mother has been anxious about her daughter and herself fitting in. I think it was kind of you to offer for the girl to come along despite only having met her weeks earlier. They girl and her mum are probably a bit too proud/anxious/have no manners/low self esteem, whatever... They behaviour has been poor. Not sure that you'll ever be civil with you. Do you know why the girl changed schools? Did they antagonise everyone at the last place?

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