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to be very upset by this comment?

(163 Posts)
TiredyMcTired Sat 11-Mar-17 19:10:30

Back story...My son is adopted, we love him very very much and he's our world. We suffered infertility and after years of ttc and 2 cycles of IVF we started our adoption journey. We were very open and all our family and friends know our story. He has so far been the only grandchild in the family.

My sister has just had her first child and we are all delighted at the arrival of our new family member. I was out today buying cards and some presents before we see the new baby (I love babies and was so excited) I bumped into a family friend. Friend asked about the new baby, and commented that my parents must be delighted at the "birth of their first grandchild". I was speechless, had to just walk away and go back to the car to cry with shock and anger sad This person knows our son and I am beyond devastated that they obviously feel like he isn't a legitimate family member.

I want to call the person who made the comment to tell them how insensitive it was, but DH doesn't want me to. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to let this person know how much they have upset me? I don't want them repeating this sort of comment to anyone else and implying that my much loved son is second fiddle now that the new baby is here

Topuptheglass Sat 11-Mar-17 19:14:20

You should've said something there & then.

I'm sorry they said that & I'm sure you know your family don't think your much wanted & loved son isn't a family member.

Shakirasma Sat 11-Mar-17 19:15:18

YANBU I would ring them and politely but firmly let them know that your DS is the first grandchild, you were taken aback by their comment earlier and ask them to be more considerate in what they say in future.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sat 11-Mar-17 19:16:08

YANBU. What an insensitive are holey thing to say.

Toobloodytired Sat 11-Mar-17 19:17:26

I'd be extremely angry by that comment, it's insensitive & rude!!

Whether your child has your DNA or not, does not mean he isn't your child or a part of your family

highinthesky Sat 11-Mar-17 19:18:35

Firstly the problem is theirs and not yours. DS is 100% yours and not some stray that you have taken in out of pity.

And yes I would let her know in no uncertain terms. Make sure you're calm before you pick up the phone, and then say "there's something that's really bothering me...".

I bet she doesn't even realise she's articulated her true perception of DS. I hope she's mortified by her own stupidity.

KoalaDownUnder Sat 11-Mar-17 19:18:50

That's an appalling thing to say.


user1471467667 Sat 11-Mar-17 19:18:51

I'm so sorry, I'm an adopter, what a hurtful thing to say. Depends how close the friend is whether I would say something I think.
There are a few people that if they implied that about my son, I would definitley say something. If they are not that close a friend and your family fully recognise your son's place in the family I might let it go.
There are plenty of idiots in the world who think such things and you can't educate everyone.
Go and give your precious boy a big hug and kiss

ImperialBlether Sat 11-Mar-17 19:19:03

I think your husband should actually phone this person and tell her straight. There will be other times when you have to stand up for your child and he should be prepared to do this.

I'm suggesting he does it because it's much easier for someone else to tell her how much she's upset you.

Screwinthetuna Sat 11-Mar-17 19:19:50

It's a very insensitive thing to say, no wonder you are upset.
I'd like to hope they didn't think/didn't realise the gravity of what they said. Idiot flowers

KoalaDownUnder Sat 11-Mar-17 19:19:51

And yes, I would tell them.

Sometimes people need to be confronted about their insensitivity.

user1483387154 Sat 11-Mar-17 19:21:16

YANBU They were extremely rude and being ridiculuous.

Littlepeople12345 Sat 11-Mar-17 19:21:18

What a shitty thing to say. Did you just walk away as soon as they said it?

UpWithPup Sat 11-Mar-17 19:21:45

I'm so sorry they said something so unkind. I wonder if they meant the first birth of a grandchild. Rather insensitive either way.

insomniaat4am Sat 11-Mar-17 19:22:51

Really insensitive but perhaps they meant the actual birth of a first grandchild if you adopted your little one at a slightly older age? Some people don't think before they speak that's for sure.

wizzywig Sat 11-Mar-17 19:23:15

Jeez what a horrible thing to say to you. Hopefully all of our responses will show you that that person was out of order

HookandSwan Sat 11-Mar-17 19:23:33

Insensitive so and so!!! I'm so sorry that happened to you xxxx

CatsBatsEars Sat 11-Mar-17 19:23:56

What a shitty thing to say flowers

SchnitzelVonCrumb Sat 11-Mar-17 19:24:07

That is a truly horrible thing to say.

I would be more inclined to say something cutting next time I saw them.

Whiterabbitears Sat 11-Mar-17 19:28:27

I'm sure you didn't say anything at the time because you were upset and shocked OP, rightly so what a horrible thoughtless thing to say. I can't imagine anyone thinking that an adopted child is less than a biological one and if they do they are a disgrace. I would make sure when you see them next that you point out your son is the first grandchild and a valued and equal member of your family.

LurkingQuietly Sat 11-Mar-17 19:28:45

Definitely phone them, if only so they know what they said is disgraceful and they don't upset another family in the same way. So sorry you've been on the receiving end of this.

Kewcumber Sat 11-Mar-17 19:28:53

Adoptive parent here.

It's shit and things like this do happen from time to time to all of us. But the important thing is... do you think your parents think like this?

My mum is devoted to DS and certainly doesn;t think any differently of him that any of her others.

So sorry, people can be insensitive,

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 11-Mar-17 19:29:21

Awful. I probably would tell them how very upset and shocked you were at that comment.

flapjackfairy Sat 11-Mar-17 19:30:36

I am an adoptor and fc and i have 3 bc 1 fc and 1ac
Some people just dont get it and dont think you can love a child that is not yours biologically as much as a birth child.
You and I know different !
I would have to confront them when i next saw them and clarify what they meant by that comment ? All you can do is try to educate them on the issue but really dont let it drag you down.

I am sure your family love your son and make no distinction which is all that matters in the end but i totally get your hurt .

Mathena Sat 11-Mar-17 19:30:37

So stupid. Are they a frenemy? sounds like they were trying to get a dig in.

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