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To think lots of MNers don't really know what it's like to raise a child with NO support network?

(124 Posts)
notanothernamechangebabes Sat 11-Mar-17 17:57:50

I've read a few posts lately (and I do understand the POV of the posters) with people being annoyed by small children being taken to parties/ the hairdresser/ lunches/ weddings etc etc

I'm not arguing that they have a right to be annoyed - of course they do- but lots of the responses seem not to understand that for some people, they are parenting with literally NO day to day support network- family far away, no friends with kids, DP working all hours ... I'm one of them. I'm also breastfeeding and can't express- so can't leave DS with a babysitter at the moment.

I don't dispute that yes, there are some places it would be nice to get a break from kids... but AIBU to think MN could show a bit more compassion for women who have no choice but to cart their kids everywhere- or basically cut themselves off from their old lives, and never go to a pub/ wedding/ hairdresser/ naice restaurant etc again?

(Donning hard hat)

I don't know if it's lots of MN but I do know what you mean. When the DC were young DH worked weekends so the DC had to come with me. My parents lived 200 miles away and DH's on another continent.

notanothernamechangebabes Sat 11-Mar-17 18:06:20

For us, DP is an orphan and all rest of family incredibly old or dead. My family are 300 miles away. I'm the first of my close friends to have a baby, and living in London, childcare is just extortionate- and unaffordable for us until I go back to work .. (-and even then....)

I would LOVE to go to the pub without DS, or for a mani:pedi etc, but there's literally nobody I trust in a 300 mile radius, I can ask to babysit. And paying for childcare would immediately make that glass of wine or whatever unaffordable.

TheOnlyLivingToyInNewYork Sat 11-Mar-17 18:06:57

I don't think one persons lack of childcare is everyone elses problem though.
If you have children and no-one to look after them, you need to accept that there are some things you simply can't do for the moment. We all know that.

notanothernamechangebabes Sat 11-Mar-17 18:10:15

By that reckoning, for four years I shouldn't have a haircut, glass of wine in a pub or whatever, because other people don't want to a child in they eyeline for 40 minutes

And they say women can have it all...

shoofly Sat 11-Mar-17 18:10:59

I grew my hair from short crop to long bob because I couldn't get to the hairdressers once DS2 was born. My uncle died so I managed to get someone to look after DS2 for a morning, so I could go to the hairdressers and the funeral. I totally understand where you're coming from. I've had a meal out with DH and no children once in the last 5 years. Bil babysat just before his son was born, so that we'd have a night out.

notanothernamechangebabes Sat 11-Mar-17 18:11:04

Uph that was riddled with spelling mistakes!!!

If only I had a nanny to watch DS while I posted on MN blush

Floggingmolly Sat 11-Mar-17 18:14:27

I do know what it's like to have no network.
But your examples are a bit strange. Your partner doesn't work 24/7, surely? Why can't you have a haircut? And gong to the pub for a glass of wine, seriously?
If you can't leave your kids with a babysitter, you stay out of pubs just like the rest of us, sorry.

FarAwayHills Sat 11-Mar-17 18:14:35

I agree OP. It's also true that on MN that even if you have family and friends that could help out occasionally you must NEVER ask for their assistance. Even if you've got flu, a DH that works long hours, you haven't slept for a year it is selfish to ask your mum to help out and save you from a full breakdown as she has done her child rearing and must be free to live her own life. Your child your responsibility apparently. You can't win.

Crunchymum Sat 11-Mar-17 18:16:06

I posted on one of the other threads and made it very clear I have a friend who is not a single parent and she has a fab support network who likes to take her kids to places I would never have dreamed of taking mine. Pubs, restaurants, hairdressers, theatres (adult productions), girls nights.

My friend is an amazing mum but I would have not enjoyed these experiences with my child in tow and I do feel they impinge/d on her quality of enjoyment too. I've been to a few evening meals with her and her older child (when he was younger of course) and it's been a bit of a waste of time.

I get that if you don't have a partner or support network you are limited. I don't get bringing a child to adult events when his dad is sat at home???

MatildaTheCat Sat 11-Mar-17 18:16:07

Depends. Family friendly, casual pub, no problem. Upmarket, spendy restaurant,no, I my book it is inconsiderate to take young DC along ( many others will disagree but many people don't enjoy listening to crying and whining whilst fine dining).

I'd find the hairdresser stressful TBH, maybe try a mobile one?

And join an babysitting circle when your baby is a bit older. And get dh to put his family before work occasionally.

DesignedForLife Sat 11-Mar-17 18:16:16

YANBU. I feel very blessed that PIL live 40 minutes away and are happy to come and help out now and parents are 4 hours away, and again help out when they can. We know a couple people locally who we can ask to babysit now and then. It's not much, but it makes a big difference.

My mum didn't have any of that. She knew no-one in the area when we were little, no family help whatsoever, and my dad worked 8am-9pm, with some nights. And weekends on top. With 3 small kids. Frankly she deserves a medal, and I understand now why she used to shout a lot.

A lot of people just don't get that.

notanothernamechangebabes Sat 11-Mar-17 18:16:29

Sorry, I was just using the examples that I'd seen on MN (kids in pubs/ hairdressers etc)

Actually for me, the dilemma is nobody to look after DS while I have cervical ablation next month.

Screwinthetuna Sat 11-Mar-17 18:18:03

I have 0 support network either and it does get on my nerves when people moan that they never go out when they have parents who babysit once a week, etc.
I do have a husband though so massive hats off to all those single parents with 0 support wine

lavenderandrose Sat 11-Mar-17 18:18:09

I feel this way about LTB, to be honest.

TheOnlyLivingToyInNewYork Sat 11-Mar-17 18:18:31

By that reckoning, for four years I shouldn't have a haircut, glass of wine in a pub or whatever, because other people don't want to a child in they eyeline for 40 minutes

It's time and place though. Get a mobile hairdresser to your house, go to the pub in the afternoon etc. But you can't expect to sit in a hairdressers for 2 hours getting highlights with a one year old, or rock up to the bar on a Friday night with a baby in a car seat.

Does it suck for you that you can't do certain things because you have kids? Sure. That doesn't mean you can make it suck for other people instead!

bloodyteenagers Sat 11-Mar-17 18:19:12

Why can't your partner have his child whilst you have a haircut, pedi whatever?
You do have support. You have a partner.

The only time I have issues with children in bars is the ones that run and jump around the place.

notanothernamechangebabes Sat 11-Mar-17 18:24:01

DP is working 7 days a week, 7-7 at the moment. He has a very strange job (can't say what) and is on a ridiculous project at the mo which he can't takes day off from. I know it's not forever- and I'm not particularly bemoaning my lot- but more the overwhelming assumption I see on MN that motherhood, for all women, is backed up by a flawless support network, making all things possible (whether it's leaving the kids at home with hubs while you go to spin class, or LTB because your family will step in). It just isn't like that for all women.

wheresmycake Sat 11-Mar-17 18:24:30

No problem with kids being in pubs /hairdressers etc sometimes - as long as they don't ruin the experience for others by behaving inappropriately - noisy, disruptive etc. If parents can't watch their kids they shouldn't take them there. If you know DCs won't behave &you won't be able to entertain/discipline as needed (eg having a haircut) don't go. Maybe look for local childminder/neighbour willing to do the odd couple of hours. Or find other local mums and share /exchange babysitting

notanothernamechangebabes Sat 11-Mar-17 18:26:02

Also my DS is a remarkably well behaved 6 month old- I'm v lucky - and don't yet have to basically cage him to contain him. No idea what I'll do when that day comes.

See if I can swap him for a hairdresser friendly, small yapping dog probably.

PuntCuffin Sat 11-Mar-17 18:26:24

But you say you have a DP. Where is he in this? If you need an op, he needs to take holiday or parental leave. Surely he doesn't​ work 24/7 so should be able to free up time for you to get a haircut at least.

Trips to the pub do tend to reduce somewhat once you have kids. That's life. As they get older and you can let them play in a pub garden, it gets easier again.

And just because none of your friends have kids yet doesn't​ mean they won't help if you ask.

Sarahisthename Sat 11-Mar-17 18:27:46

YANBU OP ... However I think this opinion is much more prevalent on MN than it is in RL - ditto the strong feelings MN has on never asking Grandparents to babysit ... Help out ... It's not like that in real life . I suspect that real life people are more tolerant... Those that get very het up about the presence of children in public to the extent they post about it on a parenting site Might not necessarily have their own real life support friends

WorraLiberty Sat 11-Mar-17 18:27:49

Most of the threads I see moaning about people bringing kids to those places, are about the behaviour of the kids or the apparently lax parents.

TheOnlyLivingToyInNewYork Sat 11-Mar-17 18:28:20

* but more the overwhelming assumption I see on MN that motherhood, for all women, is backed up by a flawless support network, making all things possible (whether it's leaving the kids at home with hubs while you go to spin class, or LTB because your family will step in). It just isn't like that for all women*

I don't know ANY women who its like that for, and it sounds like you have a giant and unreasonable chip on your shoulder.

You made your choices. You've got one small baby and a partner, you really don't have shit to complain about here.

Fruitcocktail6 Sat 11-Mar-17 18:28:35

I don't think it's fair to say that others can't have a moan just because they occasionally have a babysitter or have helpful parents.

The grass is always greener, at least you have a child, some people can't even conceive in the first place.

You made the decision to exclusively breastfeed so you now can't leave your child with anyone else. There are loads of family friendly pubs, go and have a Sunday lunch somewhere and have a glass of wine.

Your partner seriously works such long hours they can't look after the baby while you get a haircut? That sounds unlikely.

It's no one else's fault that your in this situation it's just the way it is, other people have the right to have a moan, even if they have a nanny confused

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