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To lie to go out of going to this event?

(17 Posts)
MsMarvel Sat 11-Mar-17 13:54:51

I have a tendency towards social anxiety, which I've discovered can be made a lot worse by hormones when I'm on my period.

Dp is generally understanding (bites his tongue if I'm trying to pick a fight at a certain time of the month etc etc. But he doesn't understand why I dont go to the doctors about the social anxiety issues.

Tonight we are meant to be going to an 18th for family on his side. I'm feeling like crap, nothing actual pain wise, but just like I want to lock myself in a dark room and not talk to anyone....

its not usually as bad as this but all my other period symptoms (cramps, heaviness etc) have been worse after getting a new coil fitted last week. So to a certain extent I'm not worried about this as I know it will settle down.

I'm worried that dp won't understand so I've told him I have bad stomach cramps, and might not be able to make it. He will have plenty of ways to still get to the event himself, with other family traveling from near ours.

WIBU to lie about why I don't want to go? I just find it difficult to explain how I'm feeling when I get like this, so I know it would come across as trying to make excuses to get out of it.

NoraDora Sat 11-Mar-17 13:57:09

I'd be annoyed if you were my dp. It's a pretty rubbish excuse, especially when you won't get help. Periods aren't supposed to be like that. Get to the docs and get sorted

PastysPrincess Sat 11-Mar-17 13:58:37

You need to go and get help.

helpimitchy Sat 11-Mar-17 13:59:57

Your social anxiety is causing this and it's easy enough to seek treatment from the GP. I'd be honest with your dh, social anxiety is horrible and very debilitating.

Thingiebob Sat 11-Mar-17 14:00:32

I understand where you are coming from. Having bad cramps is not an excuse. It's a reality. Also Nora she is going to the doctors about her cycle. Read the post.

NotAPuffin Sat 11-Mar-17 14:03:03

I suffer from social anxiety. The day I spent half an hour crying in the car outside Lidl because I couldn't bring myself to go in and be seen by people, I went to the GP about it. He prescribed medication and it's been life changing.

Your DH is right, you need to get help with this. Tell him you're not going to the party but you'll ring the doc on monday and get this sorted.

TheElephantAndBun Sat 11-Mar-17 14:04:36

Anxiety or similar are as valid a reason for not feeling able to go somewhere as a physical reason. Given that you find it hard to explain to DH when in the midst of a bad patch, and you feel it will improve soon, you could explain it as coil related stomach cramps.
But only if you will seek advice for managing your anxiety when this patch is improving. You would seek treatment for a broken ankle and this is no less restrictive for your life.
Why do you feel unable to see your GP?

MsMarvel Sat 11-Mar-17 14:09:05

Its normally pretty manageable, this seems to be a one off.

I don't want to go to a doctors because it is usually so minor. Maybe once every month or so I get like this , but even then , its not normally this bad at all. Its usually just a case of being aware that I need to put a lot more effort in to get through normally daily tasks/interactions. Sometimes it builds up and I need to decompress, but usually I can cope.

I just feel I need to take tonight 'off' and detach from normality, just for the evening. And I have the luxury of being able to. But just think I would struggle to explain this to dp. He understands cramps and knows I get them quite bad so is understanding about that.

AFierceBadRabbit Sat 11-Mar-17 14:43:57

I can relate to you, and I hate feeling obliged to go anywhere that isn't an emergency situation. I like to feel that I am free to decide what I am comfortable with, and prefer it when my partner will accept that this is just a part of who I am.

However, I don't have social anxiety.
I can somewhat see his point of view, that if shared experiences are ruined for the two of you by this anxiety how he will wish that you got some help for it. But he does seem to be understanding generally, so try not to be too hard on him.

Would I lie to get out of an occasion?
I've done it once or twice in my life, either through embarrassment or just not wanting a giant discussion about the real reasons. I don't admire or encourage lying, but if it isn't a massive deal, and no one will get hurt, a one-off isn't the end of the world.

You obviously do not want to go. This is absolutely ok and please don't let anyone make you ashamed of that - to me this makes social anxiety even worse, and won't help in the long run.

Ultimately I would encourage you to seek some help. At least then you would be making an effort to ensure future occasions can be enjoyable for you both.

I used to be a people pleaser when younger. Not any more. I find people treat me much better now that I have the confidence to just say 'no' whenever I want to.

AFierceBadRabbit Sat 11-Mar-17 14:47:37

Basically, My DP has always known that I may not want to go to a given event, not matter how important it is. He doesn't make me feel obliged to do it, and accepts that I am a part time introvert.

He never used to, when we first met (20 yrs ago) and it caused so many issues. Acceptance of each others quirks is essential to moving forward. I have to be able to say no sometimes, maybe not in a crisis, but these days I often don't turn up to big events and people have just got used to the fact that I am who I am and we're all happy.

Oblomov17 Sat 11-Mar-17 14:59:13

Nothing about this is ok. The lying, the not going to get help, the fact it gets worse around your periods. This really does need to be addressed.

AFierceBadRabbit Sat 11-Mar-17 15:15:19

Let me just clarify - If you really did want to go (underneath it all), and the anxiety is putting you off, then I agree that finding help would be the best thing.

It's when you are perfectly comfy not going and truly want a night on your own that I would suggest standing by your desires.

MsMarvel Sat 11-Mar-17 15:16:53

Oblomov what makes the fact it gets worse around my period concerning? I'm not disagreeing with you about any of your points, but hadn't thought of this as concerning and thought hormone/mood changes is normal at this point?

Polarbearflavour Sat 11-Mar-17 15:19:16

I have got out of events when I'm having a bad skin and taking ibuprofen because I have a spot that hurts and can feel it constantly. I'm on medication but it still flares up occasionally.

MsMarvel Sat 11-Mar-17 16:44:03

Whenever I take a dip like this I think that I should go to the doctor. But then I very quickly bounce back, so I start to think that it isn't as bad as I thought.

Dp spoke to me about my mood, he's picked up on the fact that I'm a bit off. He's put me to bed for a sleep while he does the housework ❤

He said that i don't have to go tonight if I'm not up to it. But ill see how I feel. If I do go I won't be drinking as that would excarebate the mood which would not be helpful.

AFierceBadRabbit Sat 11-Mar-17 16:54:59

He sounds lovely!

It doesn't sound that big a deal really, not to me. Only if it really starts to impinge on your quality of life together. We're all different and it's so nice that he appears to support you as an individual.

I don't think the period element is so important, perhaps it's jut heightened at that time, not so unusual. I cancelled a bonfire night party on last minute in November due to feeling premenstrual and just not in mood. They all had a great time and when DP got home we had a cosy supper togethersmile

RestlessTraveller Sat 11-Mar-17 17:10:27

I think you're being unfair. I had an ex who had depression and anxiety that he refused to get help for and would frequently pull out of things at the last minute. It was excruciatingly embarrassing for me to have to go on my own and explain to everyone that he wasn't there because of this, but I refused to lie about it.

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