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Should I try another attempt to resolve things with my sister?

(12 Posts)
checkin Sat 11-Mar-17 10:35:06

Namechanged here.

This is a bit long but I will try and give as much information as possible.

Me and dsis fell out 8 months ago. Previously we spoke daily and I considered us very close. It was a petty argument and very much 50/50 blame. After a week I called her to try and resolve but she did not want to. Over the following weeks and months I tried several times but every time that I contacted her she had a reason to blame me for something and bought up past events, much of which I was unaware of. Her adult children also began to blame me and kicked out at me during this time. I blocked them all from my phone contacts during this time as I didn't want to be abused further via phone but this gave my sister extra fuel that I had blocked them and it started another argument. I finally apologised completely and asked her what she needed me to do to resolve the whole thing. At which point she started pointing the finger at my husband and his attitude hmm the poor bloke had stayed out of the whole thing and was now being targeted. At this point I stopped trying to apologise and she kept up the silent treatment.

My mum at first acknowledged that I had apologised and admitted there was nothing else i could do. My Christmas presents were returned uncollected. She did however reply to my text messages of happy christmas and new year but she did not instigate any communication with me at all or send a card/present/message to any of my children.

It was a really hard Christmas.

The breaking point came after Christmas on my teen daughters birthday when my sister put up a facebook message saying "happy birthday I love you". This really upset my daughter as my sister has not contacted her direct at all or sent a card for her birthday and she felt that if she cared she would have done something other than a FB message.

I decided enough was enough and text my sister that from now on there would be NC. She didn't reply to me at all and just blocked me on FB.

Anyway since then all I have had is my mum saying how my NC has meant that even if sister wanted to resolve it then she couldn't. I have had to set boundaries with my mum talking about it and told her that if it was all my fault it would have been resolved 8 months ago. I have made it clear that the NC is to protect my family from the upset of her silent treatment games and if she wants to stop this then a letter or something indicating so would be enough for me to take the next step. My mum does understand this but still says "but you actually said NC so what can she do?" I should say that I amc considering reaching out because my mum is suggesting that she has done the whole "she doesn't want to talk to me" although I am 60% sure this is her playing the victim with my mum.

So here I am now. I miss her terribly, I wonder if I should reach out to her as I hate the way this has impacted our family. I am also aware that in the 8 months since the initial argument, she has not shown any signs of wanting to resolve this. I am not sure I could take the rejection again. But if I do not reach out I have to live with the fact that she most probably will not either.

checkin Sat 11-Mar-17 11:31:52

Also wondered if anyone has been in this position and chosen NC if you have any advice?

altiara Sat 11-Mar-17 11:41:38

I honestly don't think you can do anything else. Don't apologise anymore, she seems to enjoying you being the one to make the running. Yes you miss her but protect your family from her games as she won't change now.
With regards to missing her, is there a friend or friends you could organise some nights out or in with so you don't feel you're missing out on socialising with

Allthebestnamesareused Sat 11-Mar-17 11:48:15

Send her a letter saying Mum says you may now be in a place to have a chat to try to resolve things. If this is the case I'd be happy to meet up.

Then leave the ball in her court but don't fret if she doesn't contact you. You'll know it is for show/pity if she doesn't.

DrinkReprehensibly Sat 11-Mar-17 11:48:32

What did you originally fall out over? Surely it must have meant more to her than you realised. Perhaps she felt it wasn't 50/50 blame and it's still an issue for her that she feels you won't accept?

LilacSpatula Sat 11-Mar-17 11:51:37

My sister has completely blocked me from her life. She's 13 years older than me and I'm sure she has mental health issues as well as complex health problems. After months and months of tying I've now given up. I've decided I need to respect the fact that she doesn't want me in her life at all.

As a result she's missed my wedding, has never met my husband or my daughter. So sad, but if that's what she needs then I have decided to respect that. Maybe she'll decide to contact me again one day but it is entirely up to her.

TeethDrama Sat 11-Mar-17 11:52:27

Tell your mum you would be happy to talk if your sister reaches out to you, seeing as you made major effort to mend things for 8 months with no joy so understandably you have had to cease contacting her. Its her turn now, if she want to build bridges. That's fair, surely. I'm not sure why you should reach out to your sister first again.

DrinkReprehensibly Sat 11-Mar-17 11:52:36

Just wondering because she then brought other past events up, maybe it was the straw that brings the camel's back in her view?

checkin Sat 11-Mar-17 11:53:57

hello, thank you for your reply. I feel like NC was my only option to protect my family from the emotional torment but I am the bad guy in the eyes of everyone else now that I have done this. My mum asked me to always be there for her when she was ready to speak and at first I agreed with and my mum now feels I have ruined any prospect of this.

I do have friends and continue to socialise. Something is missing though, I do not know how to explain it. My sister and adult niece pulled apart my whole character and it has left me very insecure and second guessing myself when I am around other people.

Yoksha Sat 11-Mar-17 11:55:44

Look, it takes two to tango. You decided despite unresolved past issues to move forward. Your sister used your past foibles to beat you with. When this is used to justify their toxic behaviour it's a pointless exercise. Fuck their fandangled reasons to justify their shit attitude

Both of you should keep other's in the family dynamic out of this. I know it's difficult, because we need validation.

Your DSis is coming across as a drama lama by hoiking in her children.

Leave it for now to look at your own thought processes. Stay off Fb. Utter shite in most cases. It's got a lot to answer for. The fact that she wished her niece happy birthday via Fb tells me she's shallow. "Look at me world. I'm the caring aunt here. She's the one with an agenda ".

My mums sister didn't speak for over 20yrs. Even when my mum developed Alzheimers. She made no contact. She didn't even come with the rest of the family when she was dying. She was an utter cunt in my book. I never liked her. She was awful to me even when I was a toddler. I can remember it clearly.

Don't try and fix this. Manage your expectations.

LilacSpatula Sat 11-Mar-17 12:30:06

Agree with Yoshka here:

"Look at me world. I'm the caring aunt here. She's the one with an agenda "

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 11-Mar-17 14:21:48

"Anyway since then all I have had is my mum saying how my NC has meant that even if sister wanted to resolve it then she couldn't."
I think you have to gently suggest to your mum that she needs to back off. As pointed out, your sister could contact you with a letter. I wonder if she's working on you because she knows you can be reasoned with? As in, she knows your sister is in the wrong.

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