AIBU - husband going on holiday.(200 Posts)
Hello, loooong time lurker here but first post so apologies if this is rambling! I just need some perspective.
So, I am 24 weeks pregnant with DC2 and currently a SAHM to DS who is 2 and a half. My DH is a great dad and generally a great husband, he works long hours and does an hours commute every day. So anyway, next week he is going on a 9 day snowboarding holiday with his mates and the closer it gets the more I am feeling shit and angry about it. My son is very demanding, has eczema so doesn't sleep well and as I am getting heavier I am finding it quite physically demanding so I really look forward to Dh coming home to help me out for a bit every night. I am also quite isolated where I live, all friends and family a couple of hours away and I only see my mom or dad once a week. My DH originally told me to go and stay at my parents for the duration of his holiday but I've just got DS settled into a nursery a couple of mornings a week and my parents both work so it's a bit of an imposition. Plus they live in a mad house, thy go to bed in the early hours and I come back from there exhausted! DH is saying I should have said no at the time he booked it. He's been away with work regularly and I find it lonely and tiring but understand cus it's work, this just stings more cus he will be having a lovely relaxing break and I will be knackered. I've told him he can go as often as he likes in a few years when the kids are at school, DS is sleeping better and things are generally easier, but he said his mates might have kids by then so they won't be going!
Obviously it's too late now to change anything but do you think IABU to feel resentful and that he's being selfish here?
From what you say about how he works long hours and then helps you out as well I think you're being a little bit unreasonable. It does depend on when he booked it and whether you said anything at the time. Nine days I suppose is quite a stretch but other than that I'd let him go with good grace. I would try and arrange something for you and a friend, even if just a weekend, so you've something to look forward to.
He's a selfish prick, 'great' husbands and fathers don't take themselves off on 9 day holidays with their mates leaving a pregnant wife at home to do everything. I'm all for a weekend away with friends, I do it myself, but 9 days!! Plus the financial implications of that AND (and this is the deal breaker for me) he has used holiday from work that he could have taken when the new baby arrives, doesn't he think an extra week with his newborn child should take precedent over getting pissed with his mates?
Did he ask before he booked it? And did you agree to it at the time?
Was it booked before you were pregnant? Awfully selfish otherwise.
I suppose it's lots of money to lose if he cancels.
Do you have enough funds to buy in some help? I think he should try to sell the holiday on.
Fuck me, if only we could all live the single life whilst being married and having children.
So you'll be 'working' as a SAHP for 24 hrs a day x 9? No proper break? Selfish as fuck.
If you agreed it at the time, it isn't fair of you to turn round at the eleventh hour and say he shouldn't go.
9 days is a long time though, I think I would have asked him to go for a shorter time in your situation.
You're wrong to think it will be easier in a few years - two children are much harder than one, so this is almost his last/best chance to go for quite a good few more years.
A 9 day holiday when you are pregnant and have a two year old?? You need to learn to say no and he needs to stop massively taking the piss.
Were you pregnant when he booked this OP? If yes then he's an U idiot. If no, then he ought to have reconsidered and cancelled earlier. Also 9 days is a long time either way. A long weekend maybe .... remind him he's a married man with a family now, not still one of single/no-kids gang he seems to want to go out and play with!!!!. He should cancel and stay at home with you (or should not have booked it in the first place ...).
It's not ideal but if you didn't say anything when it was booked, I think you have to try and be as positive about it as possible now. There's no point ruining the trip for him at this late stage.
I would be making sure he makes up for lost time on his return and you get lots of lie ins and time to yourself.
9 days!! I would sulk for years if my DH done that.
YANBU. Take yourself away for a relaxing break once babies born.
Thanks for the replies guys. We did briefly discuss it before he booked it but it was months ago before I knew how knackered this pregnancy was going to make me and I just didn't want to tell him he couldn't go. We're usually a great team and support each other so i wanted him to make the decision and he obviously felt it was right. It's not so much the doing everything on my own that bothers me ( although I admit my post makes it sound like that) but I get a bit stir crazy as I have no one around. I spend hours and hours with just DS during the week, which is fine, I chose this and love being a SAHM but 9 days of this is daunting! Also I should add that in regards to my sons nursery, he's been going for a month he only stays for an hour at the moment and I sit in the reception cus he's been hysterical and it's been awful, so I don't get two mornings a week to myself like it sounded in my post.
Phew sorry, I tend to waffle on!
You should have said something before he booked it I'm afraid. It's unfair to complain about it now.
Personally I'd be banking the time and once dc2 is here and you feel able further down the line I'd be off for a nice weekend or two at the spa leaving him with the kids!
To salvage the situation now, i think he should still go, but in the near future he should book some days off work, take care of your ds, and yo can go off and do whatever you please.
It would be a lot worse if he was going later in your pregnancy, or if you were working full time or had a small baby and toddler.
I think 9 days is a long time but I think you're being unreasonable. Everyone deserves a break.
I was in your position 10 years ago and the way I looked at it my DH worked hard and deserved it but at the beginning he used to go for a long weekend and as the kids got older he extended the time away, the maximum being 1 week. Nine days seems a bit excessive unless he is going to America. I did used to go and stay with my parents for most of the time though when they were small. Just make sure you get a pamper weekend away with your mates after the baby is born.
It'd be a no from me. 9 days is unreasonable.
Yes I was 12 weeks pregnant when it was booked and chucking my guts up every day! I haven't told him not to go or cancel it. I have tried to be as positive as possible but he's started asking if I will be ok and I just broke down the other night and told him I thought it was selfish. I was knackered and emotional and it just came out and since then he's been a bit sulky about it which is winding me up further. Also when he complains about being knackered it's grating on me cus he's about to go on fucking holiday. I will just get on with it, that's what I always intended to but it is making me angry and resentful.
You didn't say no at the time because you didn't want to tell him he couldn't go. But now you resent that he's going.
You need to learn to say no. It's no good being resentful now.
You say he thought you were staying with your parents and that you don't see all that much of your family. Not his fault you now don't want to go.
At 36 weeks no he shouldn't go. But you're 24 weeks. Just make sure you get a break when he comes back. Can he add a couple of extra days holiday and take over with things at home?
I would have said no. Everyone does need a break but not if it means triple hard work for the other parent.
Dh is going away for 3 nights and I've planned it so it will be the least amount of 'extra' work for me.
I would have said why do you think your mates won't be going when they kids??
OP I'm like you, very good dh who (more than) pulls his weight. He's currently away for 3 days with friends. I really struggle with the kids (2 and 3 and very active). I don't think you can prevent him going, so try and have something planned every day. Can one of your parents visit in the middle to break it up? I hope you have a weekend (at least?) planned for yourself when he gets back!
a bit U to be annoyed now, you should have discussed that at the time of booking. All couples are different, some are perfectly happy for the mum or dad to go away with mates regularly, whilst others think family time should come first.
There's no right or wrong, it's just that if you are upset, you should have made it clear earlier. Look on this forum, people are going on holiday without kids, mums are going out or away on their own. It's not an outrageous concept.
It won't be that bad, being on your own sounds worst than it is. You organise things differently, but think that you only have to make diner for yourself and you can relax in the evening. You have a couple of mornings off a week, just chill! Don't use the time for housework, you need to rest.
Ask him to spend the weekend helping you out, doing all the cleaning/ ironing/ shopping so you start the week on your own without outstanding chores. It really is not that bad on your own.
Sorry but you should have said no from the start. It's not like you haven't been pregnant before and didn't know how tiring it can be.
9 days is an absolute piss take. He needs to change his travel arrangements and come back after 3 or 4 days.
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