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WIBU to tell DSS why I don't think he should hang around with this boy?

(25 Posts)
HanShotFirst1 Fri 10-Mar-17 23:34:32

Sorry this is long and quite weird but bare with me. Basically, 16 years ago my sister fell pregnant. I was at university at the time so do not know the ins and outs but basically my family moved cities, she fell for a lad from the local 'bad family' and quickly got pregnant. Initially she was excited then towards the end of the pregnancy became really anxious and was saying she did not want the baby.

The father, who was at this point an ex, said he would look after the baby. My family thought great, initially there would be someone to look after the child and my sister would be able to see him etc.

After the birth of the baby (a boy) it became apparent that this was not the case. My sister was quickly stopped from seeing the baby. She admittedly was using drugs and did, and to some extent still does, lead a rather chaotic lifestyle. She has made numerous attempts (admittedly some were half hearted) over the years to see the child but has been threatened every single time so has now given up. My parents have also been threatened so will not even discuss the child anymore. I have seen the ex out and about (my sister has pointed him out) but never seen the child. I know his name but his first name is a really common name. The child does not know that my sister is his mum.

So, fast forward to now me and DH live on the other side of the city. My DSS2 is 15. He said a few weeks ago that he has a new friend at school The lad came over tonight for dinner and seemed to be a nice young man. After dinner a car horn beeped and he said 'I have to go my dad is here' and I looked outside and it was 100% sisters ex in the car. I asked DSS2 the surname and it was the same surname.

I don't think it is a good idea they hang out. DH has said just tell him we don't wont him hanging round with him as he is trouble - he has just moved schools as he was asked to leave the last one - and leave it at that. DH thinks if DSS2 knows he could let something slip and that would make life difficult for everyone involved. However, I don't think that is fair. DSS2 doesn't have a lot of friends and I think that we should really tell him why he should distance himself from the boy.

WIBU to tell him the truth

gobbin Sat 11-Mar-17 00:45:03

No, you'd be asking a teen to then deal with information that he is unlikely to fully understand all the implications of and it would be grossly unfair on his friend too. Imwould do as your DH has suggested.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 11-Mar-17 00:50:25

Not allowing your step son to hang out with a friend because that friends father needed to protect his child from a chaotic uncommitted drug using mother is pretty piss poor.

Birdsgottaf1y Sat 11-Mar-17 00:53:54

My DD was in high school when another pupil changed her surname to the same as ours.

It came to light that she was the child of a close relative that had been bought up in Foster Care.

It's been messy, but not as messy for us as the side of the family that have lied. Five years on, their relationship with each other hasn't improved.

The truth will come out and the story from the other side will be different to yours.

Your denying your DS a relative. Your family have decided to abandon your Nephew/Grandchild, that won't be explained away easily, later on.

Does he already know about your Sisters drug use?

Pallisers Sat 11-Mar-17 01:03:17

I'm sorry but I am baffled by the idea that you would by chance meet your nephew for the first time and your first reaction would be that your step son shouldn't be friends with him because he is related to you.

Weren't you excited to discover you had met your nephew? Weren't you thinking "gosh he is lovely" not "nice enough young man".

Not allowing your step son to hang out with a friend because that friends father needed to protect his child from a chaotic uncommitted drug using mother is pretty piss poor.

And then there is this.

Your attitude is odd to be honest (and kind - I could say if differently).

I think this kid did well to be reared by his father and his family.

If it were me I'd be posting here saying

"DSS has just become friends with a young man I realise is my nephew. I thought he was lost to us forever because of my sister's actions. He is lovely. I would love to encourage this relationship so I can get to know him but think his dad might's like this. I can understand this. Should I approach his dad and see if we can work something out?"

Honestly if I were the dad and knew who you were and knew how you thought I'd be pulling my son from your company.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 11-Mar-17 01:06:10

I think the reason is because the family of said boy is the local "Bad family" who have threatened the OP's family on several occasions, not because she is related to him!!

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 11-Mar-17 01:08:08

I don't think you should put it onto your DSS, tbh, but it might be safer to discourage him from going to his friend's house if the family are still the local "bad lot". However, he might be a nice decent lad himself, so it would be a bit discriminatory to stop your DSS from seeing him for no good reason.

And in all honesty, I think I'd want to get to know my nephew, even though he won't actually know that's who you are!

Pallisers Sat 11-Mar-17 01:24:04

II think the reason is because the family of said boy is the local "Bad family" who have threatened the OP's family on several occasions, not because she is related to him!!

Don't buy this. First of all are we really condemning children/teens on the basis of their family. But even if we are - do we do this to our own nephews? The OP is really bizarre. She finally meets her nephew and has an opportunity to meet him again but she expresses no curiosity about him, no joy in meeting him - just worry he might bring the "bad family" into her life - not because they are bad (there is actually no evidence) but because they are related to her nephew.

I think the crap here was in the OP's family and I think she is afraid that by letting this teen into their lives it will expose her sister's issues and maybe even her family issues.

BastardGoDarkly Sat 11-Mar-17 01:30:42

The fact is, your sister didn't want this boy, your family were delighted that he was taken hmm

He probably would've ended up being adopted, and the new family wouldn't have allowed access either.

Its a bit rich for you to look down on this kid, wouldn't you say?

Do you really want no contact now you've found him?

SchnitzelVonCrumb Sat 11-Mar-17 01:41:37

I read this as the OP not wantinf DSS to hang out with her nephew because the nephew didn't know the association and OP wasnt sure if it was her place to let slip the fact she is his Aunty

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 11-Mar-17 02:36:31

Did you not read the bit where the OP's parents and sister were threatened by the boy's family?

Pallisers Sat 11-Mar-17 02:53:12

Did you not read the bit where the OP's parents and sister were threatened by the boy's family?

Threatened with what? Not allowing contact (I could see why they would)? Calling the police? Did they threaten to beat them up? The OP didn't say. Why do we presume the worst.

The reality is we have a mother who is a drug addict incapable of rearing her child. The father reared his child with the help of his family. this child is now a nice enough young man and his aunt meets him as a friend of her step son and has no problem with him personally.

But she isn't thrilled she finally met her nephew. No. She is is concerned about cutting off contact because ... he is trouble.

I think it is damned cold to think like this about your nephew.

sibys1 Sat 11-Mar-17 03:10:31

It's understandable that she's not thrilled. It's a difficult situation. The OP's sister is the boy's mother and he doesn't even know who is mother is, let alone that he just dined with his aunt.

I would be tempted to try and speak with the boy's dad to explain what has happened and ask him his opinion on where it goes from here.

Graphista Sat 11-Mar-17 03:57:11

I'm not convinced op is the aunt I think she may be the mother and doesn't want dss finding out about her past. Does the dh know the full truth? I'm not so sure.

There's no explanation of why this family is 'bad' as they've produced a 'nice enough' young man I suspect that's prejudice rather than fact.

Agree re 'threatened' too, if I was raising a child that was given up by a drug addicted, uninterested, 'chaotic' person and they tried (while high?) to contact the child or demanded to see them etc I'd bloody well 'threaten' too - court, police, social services.

Plus if op and her dh tell dss this young man is a 'bad lad' and that's why they don't want him hanging around with him

A that's a lie! There's no evidence he's bad at all and that is an awful thing to do to a kid.

B it's compounding the lie by omission that the lad is related to op

C it will trigger curiosity in dss anyway meaning he could well find out the truth himself

D he could put his foot in it with the lad by trying to find out what the situation is or worse spread unfounded rumours about him and his family at school!

E how exactly do you propose keeping them apart AND keeping the secret?! Especially as they're at the same school presumably the same year!

Honesty is the best policy. If you really are the aunt then you need to speak to the mother (is she properly straight and sober now?), the father and work out together how to move forward.

Your attitude shocks and appals me. You will have as is natural, tried to have portrayed your family in the best light. But in this they are NOT the ones hard done by, you speak disparagingly of the father of this child and his family yet THEY are the ones who have fed, clothed, sheltered, nurtured and raised this 'nice enough' boy - they seem pretty good to me!

C0dy Sat 11-Mar-17 06:49:36

Sorry it wasn't clear in the OP but it has been made perfectly clear to our family that we are to have nothing to do with this kid. At the time my sister was not able to look after him and yes it was the best thing that he went to live with his dad... however since then he has denied my sister contact. She is clean now and has sent multiple solicitors letters requesting contact. My parents have also been in touch (many years ago) regarding seeing him. As a result of these attempts they have been threatened and told that if they approach him and tell him the truth then the implaction is they will be hurt.

I don't know the family personally however I am aware that the vast majority of them (including sisters ex) have lengthy criminal records and in the aware where they live they are well known for violence and intimidation. Like I said, the boy seemed lovely and I am so releived that he appears to be well looked after and happy and I am greatful that his dad and his family did look after him, however I feel that contact with my DSS is going to potentially got a lot of people in trouble and cause a lot of hurt.

His dad does not know who I am (as far as I am aware) though if he knows who I am related to it could cause issues.

I do love this boy and I wish more than anything he could be a part of our family too however it has been made perfectly clear that this is not going to happen. As a result of this I have tried to distance myself as it's hard to think about a family member that you will never be able to express that you are related too. Again, he was such a lovely boy and I would like nothing more than to invite him round again and spend more time getting to know him however I really don't think this is a good idea.

My family made a lot of mistakes (especially my sister) and I do except this however I don't think it is fair she has effectively been written out of his life.

Graphista Sat 11-Mar-17 06:58:44

How are you 'aware' that they have criminal records, have 'a reputation' from sister? If so here's a shocker - addicts lie! And people gossip! Doesn't make it true.

She chose to give him up! She wasn't 'written out of his life'.

As for 'she's now clean and wants contact' how old was the child when she got clean? How long had she been clean for when she asked for contact? WAS she clean the first time she asked? How are they supposed to believe she's clean, did she offer any proof? How did she approach them for contact?

PLUS - ITS NOT ABOUT HIS MOTHER! It's what would be best for him and as his fathers family were the ones that stepped up and raised him surely they know what's best for him?

RedHelenB Sat 11-Mar-17 07:17:33

It should have gone to court,solicitors letters mean diddly squat! Not sure your sisiter has tried as hard as she makes out!

Graphista Sat 11-Mar-17 07:30:08

What redhelen says too

picklemepopcorn Sat 11-Mar-17 07:30:32

OP is writing with the belief that the boy's dad is from a 'bad family' that threatened her family several times and refused to allow contact with the boy's mum. Op isn't denying her SS relatives, the other family did that when they wouldn't allow contact. They may well be again, if they realise who the boy is.

I would be reluctant to encourage a friendship between my son and a boy who has been excluded from school and whose family are aggressive and threatening, even without the risk of his family finding out the connection.

You might need to talk to the other family and see what their take is. Either they acknowledge the relationship and allow the boys to be friends or they discourage it too.

picklemepopcorn Sat 11-Mar-17 07:31:52

Oops, missed OPs update.

Mombie2016 Sat 11-Mar-17 07:35:24

Currently raising a child that has been abandoned by his chaotic alcoholic drug addicted father. Who's made zero effort to get clean/live normally etc. His family have twice turned up on my doorstep crying asking to see my DS. Each time I've let them in and allowed them to see DS at my house under my close supervision. ExH is nothing like his normal stable family. However both times they lost interest within a few weeks and I have since discovered that they only came to me when ExH had disappeared on a bender (they last weeks at a time) and that when he came back he guilted them into not seeing DS.

They haven't spoken to me since last October and now tell people I'm a cruel bitter cow who won't let my ExH see DS.

Of course I won't let him see DS he's a fucking mess hmm They however could have been. They chose not to. ExH also chose not to as I've not heard from him since last April. But should any of them try damn straight I would now point them in the direction of court.

Makes me angry to think that in 14 years time my DS could be tarred with the same brush as his father. Despite me doing my utmost to raise him a safe stable environment.

You should be thanking her Ex for stepping in and raising this child with zero help from his "mother", it's so hard being a single parent when the other parent is an absolute deadbeat, how bloody dare you have such a condescending manner towards him.

Sundance01 Sat 11-Mar-17 07:38:07

You are being very naive to believe this will not all come out in the end.

These kids have met by accident - no one has gone looking for anyone.

Many years have passed and you have no idea how the family feel now

I would give it a couple of weeks to see if the friendship develops and also double check this is the same child. Then I would approach the other child's family and explain the kids have become friends out of the blue and you cannot lie to your own child and felt it appropriate to let them know.

It is then up to them how they deal with it with their child

None of this is your fault nor either of these kids. Do the right thing for them.

Mombie2016 Sat 11-Mar-17 07:38:33

Oh and as for solicitors letters, utter crap - he doesn't have to respond to those but he does have to respond to mediation and if he doesn't your sister would have been given a form to enable her to apply to court. Any half decent solicitor would know this so I don't believe it for a second.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 12-Mar-17 00:33:27

Give over op, your sisters a shitty parent who just wants to blame everybody else for her own lack of interest and crapness

APlaceOnTheCouch Sun 12-Mar-17 00:44:38

None of this is ideal but if DSS and this boy are friends then you are going to have to speak to his dad. It will come out at some point and they may then think your DSS deliberately befriended him so he could spy and carry tales back to your DSIS.

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