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To not want to go to EX's family party

(38 Posts)
Crappyatnames Fri 10-Mar-17 11:42:09

Left DH 3 months ago. Have DD, just turned 2. He is absent even more so than before I left him. Choosing to work all hours, go out at night and stay in bed at the weekends until 6pm, yes 6pm. DD and I have our own place now which is much better. His nieces birthday party next Sat, we both received an invite to take DD but he has put down for overtime that day. I really dont want to go, his family hate me for leaving him but they've been in touch to see if I am taking her. AIBU to not want to go, as he should be taking her plus I really cannot be around his family yet.

sillypussy Fri 10-Mar-17 11:44:06

Don't go. Why would you put yourself through hell when your ex can't be bothered? His family, his DD, his responsibility.

Newtothis2017 Fri 10-Mar-17 11:45:33

Don't go

Penfold007 Fri 10-Mar-17 11:45:36

If you don't want to take her then don't. Just decline the invitation. It's up to him to facilitate contact between his family and his child.

Ticketoutofloserville Fri 10-Mar-17 11:45:56

Can you say you have an appointment or plans already?
Tell them your dd can go but someone will have to collect and drop her off.

Ticketoutofloserville Fri 10-Mar-17 11:47:25

Id just like to add, my parents were similar to you and your ex and I would have hated to miss out on my cousins birthday party but I totally understand YOU not going

Crappyatnames Fri 10-Mar-17 11:49:34

Thanks. I guess I am in two minds as my Mum keeps saying how it will be harder to see his family the longer I leave it, and that it looks bad if I dont go, but I really dont want to go and I shouldn't care what they think.

TheStoic Fri 10-Mar-17 11:51:27

Would you be comfortable with them picking your daughter up and taking her to the party? Or you dropping her off there for an hour or two?

You know they don't actually want to see you. And they know you know.

Crappyatnames Fri 10-Mar-17 11:51:28

Yeah, plus DD will have a really good time!

Potentialmadcatlady Fri 10-Mar-17 11:52:31

His family, his responsibility.. Would you expect him to take your child to see your family if you were busy? You need to lay down the ground rules now- been there, it's a long haul you are in for until she's old enough to organise it for herself.

Crappyatnames Fri 10-Mar-17 11:53:56

True. He seems to think he has zero responsibility, need to nip this in the bud

aginghippy Fri 10-Mar-17 12:05:26

it will be harder to see his family the longer I leave it

Why do you need to see his family at all? As pp said, It's up to xh to facilitate contact between his family and his child.

QueenofallIsee Fri 10-Mar-17 12:07:53

Fuck them. Their useless son/brother can take his DD - you don't have to have anything to do with them, enjoy your freedom from twattish folks

Crappyatnames Fri 10-Mar-17 12:09:08

My Mum is from the generation where women did everything with their kids and men are there to take in the money. Extremely annoying at times as she actually justifies his behaviour!

MusicToMyEars800 Fri 10-Mar-17 12:11:24

Yanbu, don't go if you really don't want to or alternatively drop your dd off and pick her up a couple of hours later, it is entirely your choice.

SaucyJack Fri 10-Mar-17 12:11:59

Would it be a practical solution for them to pick her up/drop her off again afterwards?

This situation isn't going to be a one-off, so you may as well set the ground rules now for how you'd like contact with the extended family to go when she's in your care.

Northend77 Fri 10-Mar-17 12:12:07

No. If you got on well with his family then I'd suggest taking her however she has only just turned 2 so she' won't really be missing out and I guess hasn't yet really bonded with her cousins at this point so I don't think you need to go

SaucyJack Fri 10-Mar-17 12:13:17

PS: obv. YANBU to not want to go yourself.

coconutpie Fri 10-Mar-17 12:13:21

YANBU. Don't go.

pamplemoussed Fri 10-Mar-17 12:14:33

You don't need to go but it would be good if your dd could go to her cousin's party. Your ex needs to arrange for another family member to collect her and escort her and return her if he cannot. Not your problem.

msrisotto Fri 10-Mar-17 12:23:58

YANBU this shit is no longer your problem! And watch what kind of precedent you set. If you do this, both he and they will demand more and more of you. This really is his responsibility, don't do it for him. He sounds like a lazy twat.

Wolpertinger Fri 10-Mar-17 12:29:27

My Mum is from the generation where women did everything with their kids and men are there to take in the money

Seriously, how old is your mum? My mum's 75 and she wouldn't stand for that shit.

You have no reason to see any of his family again if you don't want to. Either he takes her to party, you drop off and pick up or you don't bother.

I would go back with
"I had assumed exH was taking her, if another family member is available to take her, then I am happy for her to go."

Make it their issue if they want her to be there.

SpringerS Fri 10-Mar-17 12:40:47

I don't know. The way I see it, I'm my son's only proper parent and it's my responsibility to ensure that he benefits from everything in life that he is entitled to. It shouldn't be my sole responsibility but it is. And that includes doing all I can to ensure as full a relationship as possible with the other half of his family. If my ex can't be counted on to do it, it becomes my responsibility because I'm my son's mother and they are his family.

Now I'll be honest, it's somewhat easier for me because my in-laws understand why I can't allow my husband to live with our son or have any sort of responsibility for him. (He was an alcoholic and is now a drug addict.) But that also means that the only way my son and his paternal family can have any sort of relationship is through me. And my son deserves to have his grandad, aunt, uncle and cousins as part of his life. He already misses out on a lot by having a crap dad, I'm not going to let him miss out on the love of close family even if it is a bit awkward for me.

GatoradeMeBitch Fri 10-Mar-17 12:41:48

You don't NEED to see him or his family at all - 'longer you leave it' doesn't apply. Your DD can see them through her DF.

His social calendar no longer affects you. If he wanted his DD to go to the party, he should have arranged that. If his family wanted you to continue bringing her to them, they shouldn't have been hateful to you. All of this is their problem, not yours.

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