AIBU to feel nervous about DH being away close to my due date?

[HowcanIearnthis]

I suspect I'm probably being a bit daft, aren't I? DH wants to do a charity cycle race through rural France for a long weekend when I am 36 weeks pregnant. It's not a compulsory work trip but is something organised for people in a particular industry so he says it would be an excellent networking opportunity. To be fair, I am a SAHM , so his job is our only income, and it is an industry where networking is very important. He says that he took his foot off the gas to come home early from work to look after DD when I had bad morning sickness and he thinks I am being unreasonable not to be over the moon about it.

DD wasn't hugely early - she arrived at 39 weeks, but that's not statistically significant enough to draw any conclusions. However, she was reasonably speedy - I was at 10cm within 3.5 hours. I have had a loop diathermy procedure since she was born (where part of your cervix is chopped out) so there is an increased risk of prematurity, but the consultant says that she doesn't think that is going to be a particular problem and that my cervix is holding up ok at the moment (at 21 weeks). I just feel that if anything did happen, it is extremely unlikely that he would get back in time. It's one of those low-probability-but-high-impact situations. I would be really sad if he missed it.

I don;t usually kick up a fuss about this stuff. I know I'm a SAHM and have accepted his difficulties in leaving work for medical appointments etc as the price that we pay for the luxury of being able to afford for me to stay home with DD. He had a major presentation on the day that I had to go to hospital to have a miscarriage confirmed; I went on my own and we just got on with it. I am feeling a bit sad, though, that he wants to do this. He's a grown man, you know - I can hardly tell him not to do it - but I wish that he felt it was more important to be here just in case.

I am probably being ridiculous and hormonal, right?

[Somerville]

It would be a big fat no from me, if my DH suggested going to another country when I was 36 weeks pregnant.

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable.

[HowcanIearnthis]

Why, thank you, Somerville - I always think you give very sensible advice, so that's made me feel a bit less mad!

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

DH had similar ideas of doing a cycle event in France around the same time in my pregnancy (just a jolly, no excuse about networking!). I didn't ban him but was a bit , talked about what he (and I) would do if I went into early labour then I left it to him to decide how he would feel if he missed the birth. He let the idea drop and has done some more local events get his cycling fix.

Statistically the chances of giving birth on any particular couple of days a month out from your due date are very low, even allowing for your increased risk of delivering early. But you can't rule it out.

What would happen if he was away and you did go into labour? Do you have anyone else who would be your birth partner? Do you have people who can look after your DD if you needed to be admitted to hospital for any reason?

[HowcanIearnthis]

I'm hoping that my parents can come; my Dad could look after DD and my Mum could come to the hospital with me. We can cover the logistics. I was just sort of assuming that he might want to be there himself, you know.

[Chasingsquirrels]

My ds1 was born at 37+0, 2 hour labour.
My then H said when I was pg with ds2 that he might have the chance to South Africa for a week at the point I would have been 36-37 weeks.
I made it very clear what I thought about that.
Ds2 was born at 36+6.

I wouldn't be happy in your position, regardless of whether you actually go into labour you will be heavily pregnant with another child to look after.

[corythatwas]

My second was born at 36 weeks.

I think your dh needs to accept that he "took his foot of the gas" the day he decided to become a father. His life can never now be exactly as it would have been if he had never taken on that responsibility. He may still have a career and a very good one, but it will never be a career that he doesn't have to factor his family into. He should have known that.

[ChinUpChestOut]

I also think you shouldn't outright 'ban' him, as that will likely cause resentment. Just say you're not totally happy about it as you're a bit concerned that you might go into early labour and your baby is born without him there, but you get that this is important for his work.

I would then ask how and when he wants to be notified so that you can make contingency plans for him to return in a hurry. Eg., first twinge - phone call to him or ignore it until it's every 10 minutes? Distance from the airport at all points on the route - what are the flying times, and flight departure times to your nearest airport?

He'll soon realise how likely it is he'll miss the birth of his 2nd child.

[mmgirish]

I wouldn't be happy about that at all. I have had 2 emergency c sections at 37 weeks.

[corythatwas]

Chin, why exactly should the OP pussy-foot around the father of her own child in this way? Supposing they had both been career people (as many couples are), could she expect to carry on her life in exactly the same way and nobody ever be allowed to suggest that maybe sometimes the family has to come first? To me, your approach sounds pretty infantilising: mustn't upset the poor little things.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I don't think yabu to wish he weren't going.
It's not just yourself you're thinking of, it's DD too.
Do the best you can to plan for anything happening in his absence.

At 38 weeks onwards I would definitely be anxious at DH being away.
Btw calling a jolly 'networking' to make it sound vital is an old trick for someone fancying a nice little treat.

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

chinup that's pretty much how DH was talked out of it - I started talking about hiring a doula so I wouldn't need him at the birth and talking about logistics of him getting back if he had to. That was enough to make it seem 'real' to him.

I think partners can be a bit late in feeling the reality of having a baby (even second babies!) - certainly my DH can. My DH didn't want to be in a position where he missed the birth but he needed to be reminded it was actually a possibility.

[Silentplikebath]

YANBU and your DH sounds selfish. He thinks he did you a favour by coming home early when you had morning sickness to look after his child? He'd rather go off on a non essential trip than be with his heavily pregnant wife and child?

Sorry to say, he sounds useless and you're probably being too nice about it. Tell him no, it's not even up for discussion as you need him at home to share the care of his child while you are preparing for the birth.

[IrregularCommentary]

I wouldn't be happy either. DD was born at 36+3 in less than 4hrs start to finish. DH has already said we'll need to be very mindful of distance if we have another as he'd hate for me to be alone or for him to miss out on anything.

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

Personally I think it's more infantilising to try to 'ban' another grown up from doing something - I'd rather have an adult discussion and reach a mutual decision.

[RiversrunWoodville]

I wouldn't be happy either Somerville said it perfectly for me. I had dd1 at 32 weeks but dd2 on due date although a couple of false alarms so I wouldn't have been impressed.

[IadoreEfteling]

I think your dh needs to accept that he "took his foot of the gas" the day he decided to become a father. His life can never now be exactly as it would have been if he had never taken on that responsibility. He may still have a career and a very good one, but it will never be a career that he doesn't have to factor his family into. He should have known that


^^ This x 1000. Sorry but birth is a really dangerous time, I think leaving you under such circumstances are cruel. Any number of issues can arise which can be emergencies, you don't know, he wont know....Its simply not a risk I would want to take unless it was utterly desperate ie sick relative dying in another country....

Its sad its not obvious to him and a discussion needs to be had!

[HerRoyalNotness]

My DH has been working abroad my entire pregnancy. Now 37wks and he's due back in 4 sleeps, hallelujah. Also have 2 other DC. However, I spoke to him about coming back a wee bit earlier, told him my concerns and left it up to him. He didn't change his plans and I made it clear he will miss the birth if I go early and that would be his problem (2 days of flying away). I have a back up plan to get the Dc looked after and am fully prepared to get myself to the hospital and do it alone.

All you can do is layout your concerns and preferences and tell him to decide, then he will have to live with that decision.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Looking back when DD was born, was he actually very supportive then or was he giving off vibes he'd rather have missed the experience?

[SprogletsMum]

I wouldn't mind if my dp wanted to go away for a weekend at 36 weeks. That's far enough away from your due date that it's unlikely you'll go into labour.
I'd just be thinking of all the extra space in bed!

[scaryteacher]

Mine was dived somewhere off the coast of Scotland when ds arrived early, but I had all my contingency plans in place, and in fact it worked well. He didn't know ds was born until 2-3 days after the event! The RN pulled out all the stops to get him home though once it was clear there were problems with both of us.

IadoreEfteling He may still have a career and a very good one, but it will never be a career that he doesn't have to factor his family into. Untrue in the case of Forces families - the job comes first, second and third!

[HowcanIearnthis]

Donkey, no, he didn't actively give off those vibes; I don't think he's actively trying to miss it or anything. He is usually a very practical person; he was there for all the nitty gritty of the physical stuff. I have vivid memories of us both sitting there at 2am trying to squeeze colostrum out of my boobs into a syringe to feed DD when my milk hadn't come in, so I can't say he shirks his responsibilities!

[ChinUpChestOut]

Cory I think the confrontational approach of telling the OP's DH that he can't go or shouldn't go would likely lead to her being told she's overreacting or 'being silly'. You can tell that he's not thought it through - as another MNer has said, he's just a bit late in feeling the reality.

"OK you want to do this - how do we make it work?". Why go for a full on "you're being an idiot" approach when 4 minutes of a reasonable discussion shows the total and utter fucking idiocy of his idea that his little bike ride idea is a no-go. Drama averted and he's on board with the imminent birth of his 2nd child.

[Biscuitsneeded]

I think the "you want to do this - how do we make it work?" tactic is the best one. Explain to him that you wouldn't feel comfortable being left alone in case something happened, especially as you already have a DC, so if he wants to go you'll need to arrange for a friend or relative to stay for the duration, in addition to having a plan for childcare. Hopefully spelling it out like this, without refusing to let him go, will bring home to him that in the grand scheme of things it's better if he lets this one go.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I am relieved to read that OP because after seeing that you were left to go to the hospital by yourself when you had the mc I was wondering how he usually is.
I think having spoken up you can only wait and see if this trip goes ahead, there's a good while to go yet.

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

Also if networking is important in his work, does he really want to be known as 'the guy who left his heavily pregnant wife to go on a work jolly'?