AIBU to think that repeatedly turning up over an hour late is disrespectful(29 Posts)
Particularly when the reason you are visiting is to see a baby and you know that your going to fuck up their bedtime routine??
Usually we don't see PIL on a weeknight for precisely this reason (they are always late) but MIL asked to come round at 5pm for 10 mins as she is away this weekend. She then turned up at 6:15pm, stayed for 45 mins and seemed upset when DH told her that the reason our 5m/o daughter was overtired and grizzling and the dog was going apeshit about not being walked or fed was because her being late had completely messed up our already adjusted evening... She then proceeded to say she got chatting to people at work and acted hurt when we didn't reassure her that this made everything ok....
We make sure we see them every weekend - and normally have to work round their busy social lives (and still they're normally at least an hour late) it's driving me insane and my husband feels very conflicted as he wants to defend them but finds their behaviour frustrating.
I really want to be understanding - but I've just spent an hour and a half soothing a screaming overtired mess of a child to sleep for no reason and am dog tired and not feeling very charitable right now.
Please tell me this drives other people insane too!! And does anyone have any strategies for dealing with this that don't cause drama/make me come across as a completely controlling bitch??
What time would you have put the baby to bed if she wasn't there?
If she arranges to come again, tell her that you will be starting the bedtime routine/dog walking at X o'clock and if she turns up late just say 'I'm afraid you've only got a couple of minutes with the baby because, as you know, I'm about to take her up to bed' - your MIL will just keep doing it if she knows you'll accommodate her regardless of the time she shows up.
Assume they're going to be late and request an hour earlier (4pm) next time so they may turn up on time (5pm) or just plan for them to be late. So if they say 5pm, assume they'll be round at 6.15pm.
We usually aim for DD to be in bed by 7 - but we usually start to lower the stimulus by about 6 to start bedtime routine....
Plus she's off colour at the moment (which MIL is aware of as she slept through MIL's visit at the weekend) and is much tireder than usual.
TBH - tonight is more just an illustration & reinforcement of the issue... I wouldn't be so frustrated if it was a one off. It's more the fact that my PIL frequently inconvenience us by being hugely later than they say and don't even ring to say they're running late let alone check that new timings are convenient, despite the fact that we've highlighted the issues that this has been causing us.
URGH! This is one of my pet hates. People CONTINUALLY turning up late. Because their time is so much more important than mine, clearly........ ! And an HOUR late! Oh FFS! No way. Even if she IS your MIL. Let her bitch and piss and moan. IT'S STILL NOT ALLOWED!
If I were you, I would be tempted to not be in/not answer the door, if she is more than 15 minutes late, or not let her in. Just tell her that the kiddie has gone to bed and you are just about to have your evening meal, and that being so late is not acceptable.
Why don't you just carry on regardless. Put the baby to bed. Take the dog for a walk. Let her sit there with nothing to do, she'll soon learn....
If you like your routine just stick it. "Yes come at 5, we take the dog for a walk at 5:30 so if we are not here when you come we will be at x park."
At 6:15 " hi mil dd has a bath at 6:30 would you like to do it?" No, go up yourself at 6:30
7 " I'm taking dd to bed now, see you next week"
She will learn your routine and learn not to be late if she wants more time with you all
I wouldn't invite them at that time of day if being late has such an impact on bedtime. Just stick to daytime, never 4pm onwards.
It's hopefully just thoughtlessness and not deliberate. We've often had guests coming for dinner arriving any time between 5 and 7 and it doesn't have any impact on bedtime. They are 3 and 5 now but we've done this since they were tiny.
It sounds so frustrating.
I echo PP and arrange to meet an hour earlier than you actually want to. For weekday visits (assuming you can't use the 'come earlier than I really ant' trick) work just carry on with your routine as normal. Sorry MIL, got to get DD too bed before she becomes a screaming mess. Give DD to MIL for a quick cuddle, then take her off to bed.
I would just start the bedtime routine while she's there. Dh could walk the dog anyway. Just do what you would normally do rather than entertaining them and dropping everything.
YANBU my sister is always late, drives me insane! I always give her an earlier time and she somehow still manages to be late!
Ughhhh our landlord does this constantly. He's a lovely man and very keen to do a few home improvements, but I also have a baby and when he turns up an hour or two later than he agreed to come WITH HIS POWER TOOLS it drives me crackers. The day of the circular saw still gives me shudders. He even asked if we could wake bubs when she was 4 weeks old as he'd come over with some paperwork and wanted to see her (and he'd missed her awake time). It's trickier with PIL as you have a more personal relationship but I do now text landlord things like, "Hi, if you can arrive between X and X time that would be great. If not, please can you give me some notice as I'll need to be out of the house? Thanks".
don't let them in "sorry but you said you would be here an hour ago so we thought you weren't coming/are getting baby to bed"
I've had this prob tonight too, we had some unexpected visitors at 7 tonight just as I was about to head upstairs to start the already too long bedtime routine, as dh was opening the door " that's it you've had all day but come at fucking bedtime" actually slipped out of my mouth it's ok though they didn't hear me! After providing them with drinks and snacks my dc were running wild taking advantage by sneaking extra goodies before bed and showing off I just took them all up to bed and carried on as normal - let dh make the small talk!!
Can DH send MIL a text 10 minutes after the agreed time (when she should be arriving but clearly won't) and say something along the lines of, "Hi, looks like you're running a bit late. If you think you'll be coming after 5.30 can you let us know as we'll have to reschedule for another evening? Thanks." Would be interested to hear what her response is!
You've just got to carry on with your baby-bathing and dog-walking routine at a time that suits you. If that means that later-arriving visitors miss the baby, then that's tough. Bet they'll be on time next time.
how does a five month old have such a good routine :O I am in shock and awe!
Lateness drives me bananas too! I find it a form of disrespect if repeated and obviously causing the other person disruption. Definitely set some boundaries and just get on with your routine if they are late. The choice will then be quality time with you and the family or they amuse themselves whilst you get on with your evening. That or greet them with 'oh great, you're just in time to walk the dog whilst we put the baby to bed.....' 😉
I that they keep doing it because they know that you will always work around them.
You still go round to theirs, you still entertain them when they arrive late, you alter the babys routine so they get time with her....
Stop doing it and they will stop being late! At the moment you are giving them no reason at all to be on time, so make sure that they get actual conequences for being late...so when she is an hour late baby is ready and on the way to bed "Oh dear, its such a shame you are late as DD is ready for bed. Night night Granny!" and take her away to your room/bathroom whatever. Same with visiting them. If they are not in, not ready whatever then leave and dont go back. Meeting them out? Wait 15 minutes and then leave/order food (or whatever) on the assumption that they are not coming.
Stop running around after them and you will find that they will suddenly manage to be on time after all.
Note the word aim... it's not perfect but we usually manage to have her asleep relatively painlessly between 7 & 8 as long as we've had a chilled hour before while getting ready for bed. She may or may not have a dream feed at about 10:30 & overnight bets are off...
I think we'll still try sticking to weekends (but we'll use the DH texting idea after half an hour if they're running late). I had though about cracking on with the routine, but wondered if that would come across passive aggressive. I don't want her to perceive me as trying to stop her seeing DD - but as this seems to be the general consensus I'm not going to feel bad about doing this I'm future.
My exH was always late. He really did, deep down, believe that he was more important than other people.
Golden Child Syndrome. Such a relief to now be married to someone who is occasionally late when it can't be helped.
Agree with PPs, just don't accommodate them.
I don't want her to perceive me as trying to stop her seeing DD
But you're not, she is stopping herself seeing DD by her constant lateness.
I really wouldnt bother with the texting and I doubt it wil make any difference at all. Just stop pandering to it now, and let them deal with the consequences.
If you get moaning then "Well we tried to keep her up but when you are late every time it really throws her out so from now on, we will be sticking to the routine whether anyone is here or not."
If someone is more than 15 minutes late or so, I simply assume they are not coming and continue going about my day. This applies to everything, dates (previously) , visitors etc
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