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To think I can't be lesbian if I don't like the idea of sex with a woman

(90 Posts)
Bewildered29 Thu 09-Mar-17 19:06:36

Sorry if this is too much information.

I enjoy the idea of sex with a man. All my sexual encounters have been with men. BUT, I've never been in love with a man. Doubt I ever could be and although I feel sexual attraction for men, there's no emotional feeling there. I would be very surprised if I could ever be in love with a man. Even though I enjoy great friendships with men, and have found men sexually attractive, I've never met a man who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with or even date.

Women it's the complete opposite.

I'm not as sexually attracted to women. I don't look at a woman and go phwoar! grin but I have definitely been in love with a woman. When I think of who I want to spend my life with, cuddle on the sofa with, get old with. It's a woman.

But, while I could happily have a woman do 'things' to me, I hate the idea of doing anything back. I hate the look of vaginas and whenever I've met a girl and have started chatting I've always backed away as I just don't think I can do it.

I've been single my entire life except from fleeting relationship with men. I do have a child.

I feel I'm lying to myself saying I'm straight. I don't have any emotional attachment to men.

But then I'm not sure I'm lesbian as I find the idea of having sex with women unpleasant. Sometime so wonder if it's my catholic upbringing coming into play. I was brought up in a staunchly homophobic environment and my parent still hate gay people.

At the moment I class myself as asexual. The way I feel towards makes and females is so different. I don't think I could consider myself bisexual. Also I don't really feel emotional attachment to
Makes so that kind of rules me out of being bisexual too.
So AIBU to say I can't be lesbian and I'm asexual instead?

Bewildered29 Thu 09-Mar-17 19:09:19


Birdsbeesandtrees Thu 09-Mar-17 19:11:28

You might be gay but asexual ? But you did say you liked sex with men.

Do you honestly enjoy sex with men ?

VestalVirgin Thu 09-Mar-17 19:11:53

Can you stand the sight of your own vulva?

If not, I think you might have a problem with internalized misogyny rather than not being lesbian.

According to the new labels, you would be homoromantic and heterosexual, but I am a bit sceptic about those. hmm

I hope you can find a woman you can grow old with and who won't have a problem with your lack of sexual attraction.

MiniAlphaBravo Thu 09-Mar-17 19:12:00

Surely you can't be asexual if you're sexually attracted to men? Does sound like you're not a lesbian either though....not v helpful sorry!

pinkdelight Thu 09-Mar-17 19:13:18

Maybe don't worry about genitals so much and just focus on the person and see what follows. How old are you? My best mate had lots of boyfriends when we were at uni, fancied them more initially, but she is a lesbian and has only been in relationships with women as she's 'grown up'. Including some relationships where sex has played a very minor part and some quite the opposite. It really depends on the relationship. Guess I'm saying don't label yourself if you can help it. See what happens. Life can surprise us, all the time.

Bewildered29 Thu 09-Mar-17 19:15:06

I seem to like the idea of sex with men and seem sexually attracted to men. But no, I've never enjoyed the sex. It's okay but I could happily live without it.

I've not had sex with anyone in over 5 years!

brasty Thu 09-Mar-17 19:17:22

It sounds like internalised lesbophobia. Not uncommon. Basically means even if you don't realise it, you do have negative internal feelings about lesbians.

Toobloodytired Thu 09-Mar-17 19:18:03

I spent 5 years of my life with a woman, even married her. I'm in no way a lesbian though.

Yes we did things but more often than not, I didn't give!

She's the only person I whole heartedly loved with everything I had.

We split because I wanted a baby but she didn't.

I haven't given myself a label.

Sex with men I prefer, however, I have deeper connections with women.

Bewildered29 Thu 09-Mar-17 19:19:25

I grew up to hate gay people so I definitely have feeling of shame about being lesbian. Lesbians are promiscuous, wild, masculine etc was all I was ever told.

But I know I'm none of those things.

I just feel if I was truly lesbian I wouldn't mind all that and would know.

Birdsbeesandtrees Thu 09-Mar-17 19:25:17

I ask because I had a cousin similar - she had sex with men and women but wanted to marry a man one day.

Basically it was social conditioning/ mild homophobia that she couldn't accept that she was a lesbian. She's out now and very happy.

I think it's possible you are gay but struggling with your sexuality and or asexual.

VestalVirgin Thu 09-Mar-17 19:27:17

I seem to like the idea of sex with men and seem sexually attracted to men. But no, I've never enjoyed the sex. It's okay but I could happily live without it

Doesn't sound like you are really heterosexual, then. hmm

It seems perfectly possible your homophobic family brainwashed you.

Perhaps take a break from all homophobic media and immerse yourself in lesbian romance literature, and see how you feel in a couple of years.

Jellyhanging555 Thu 09-Mar-17 19:29:09

I could be completely wrong but I think from what you have said you are probably heterosexual and you just haven't met the right man yet. I know relationships are not always about sex so if you found a woman to love who was not interested in a sexual relationship then this would work for you. Sometimes "labels" are constricting things! Maybe you don't need a label and just need to find a life long partner who you love and who loves you back- good luck OP- very contradicting advice from me but sometimes I think it just isn't clear until you meet someone who you fall truly and deeply with!

Birdsbeesandtrees Thu 09-Mar-17 19:32:31

I don't see anything that suggests OP is heterosexual.

GatoradeMeBitch Thu 09-Mar-17 19:32:48

My teenage DN informs me you may be a bi-romantic asexual. Maybe look it up?

Birdsbeesandtrees Thu 09-Mar-17 19:33:40

I don't know many lesbians but the the two I do know are not wild, promiscuous or masculine in the slightest btw.

Bewildered29 Thu 09-Mar-17 19:40:24

Of Course they're not wild or promiscuous. All I meant was that's what my parents told me from a young age and it was evil and any children brought up by gay people would be psychologically damaged.

I love my parents and grew up believeing it until I was about 15 and thought for myself. I don't think it anymore but it takes years to get out of that way of thinking completely.

I don't think it's a case of just not having met he right man yet. I've been asked out on many dates over the years and spent many hours with different male work colleagues over the years. I've never been in love with any of them. I may have found several men sexually attractive on a purely sexual basis. But I know if any of them had asked me on a date, I'd almost certainly have lost all interest after the first date once they showed an interest in something more.

Catsize Thu 09-Mar-17 19:40:41

OP, this was me. Had a long relationship with a man and other brief encounters with men. Then worked in a bar. I felt very attracted to a woman who was a regular. Very confusing. After a few drinks we kissed and I confess I went off to be physically sick. Only six months previously I'd seen two women kissing in a club and thought I could never do that (but had fancied women in the past).

I went out with the woman I kissed for a year, then another for two and I've been married to a woman for 9 years.

It just kind of clicked but I know exactly how you feel.

Bewildered29 Thu 09-Mar-17 19:43:24

I do enjoy sex. Just the foreplay bit. No actual sex. Sorry tmi I know. So that means I don't fully
associate with being asexual.

I'm not bi/romantic. I have romantic feelings for women but not men.

And sexual feeling for men not women.

Although if you gave me three glasses of wine I'm sure I'd shag a woman 😂

Leggit Thu 09-Mar-17 19:43:43

When you meet the right person it will all fall into place. Take the pressure off and stop looking for a label.

For years I knew I liked women but at the same time the thought of touching a woman intimately left me a bit ewww. Then I met the woman. Can't get enough of her, literally LOVE intimacy. It's incredibly different and I think it's about the depth of our feelings.

jessplussomeonenew Thu 09-Mar-17 19:43:48

By the sound of it your upbringing has given you a whole lot of guilt/baggage on all sorts of sexual matters which can't be making things easy for you. Would exploring this in counselling help? If you can get to a mental place where you no longer feel that being a lesbian would be shameful, I think you've got a much better chance of being able to figure out what does and doesn't float your boat romantically and sexually.

Bewildered29 Thu 09-Mar-17 19:45:17

catsize that's how I feel.

If I came out though I would lose everything. So don't want to immerse myself into anything. And don't want to rule out the chance of meeting a guy if one ever turned out to be right for me. Being heterosexual would be so so much easier.

Obsidian77 Thu 09-Mar-17 19:45:43

Genitals look like genitals. I'm not with DH because I think his scrotum is beautiful, it's because of the good, kind, decent person he is.
I think you have a lot of pre-conceived ideas about lesbians and their sex lives. It might help to do some reading on gender and sexuality.
Fwiw a good friend of mine says she doesn't think she's a lesbian, it just happens that she fell in love with a woman. They've been married a while now and are a lovely, happy, supportive couple. I think they did have to deal with some issues round my friend's attitudes towards being gay. Most of that came from her anxiety about societal expectations and disappointing her family. I know it's easy for people who aren't in your situation to hand out advice and I understand that it's not always easy in real life. It just seems as though you need to accept that the person you are might not be the person you want to be.

ClaryIsTheBest Thu 09-Mar-17 19:48:47

I seem to like the idea of sex with men and seem sexually attracted to men. But no, I've never enjoyed the sex. It's okay but I could happily live without it.

Right... I mean. It's possibly that you're just so used to the idea of sex with men that you think it's perfectly alirght/fine. But are actually asexual?

Or maybe it's just a lot of internalised homophobia?

You could try dating. It doesn't need to include sex. OR read some steamy lesbian erotica to see if there's any kind of interest?

ClaryIsTheBest Thu 09-Mar-17 19:50:24

Btw, I'm bisexual.

And I agree with a previous poster. Genitals look like genitals. I don't look at a vagina or a penis and am like... OH WOW!!! (Actally, I don't mind the look of vaginas. But penises are a bit weird.)

Anyhow. I like having sex with DH. But I'm not especially attracted to the optics of his penis.

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